Randomings of January.

Nostalgia is the devil.

I'm serious and this is why. It seems so harmless at first. A little memory here, a chuckle about an embarrassment there and wham-o kablam-o you're on your face getting so mad that you aren't where you thought you'd be. And the thing is it doesn't matter how good or bad your past was! You can be nostalgic about the past when things sucked or when they were great but at the end of the day, you'll most likely end up on the train to "how'd I get here"-land and there are a lot of residents but NO ONE wants to stay there. Unfortunately, a lot of people do stay there, because they can't get out on their own.

I'm not nostalgic though...today, at least. It's only January 10 so it still feels like a new year; what is there to be nostalgic about? We just got here!

Anywho, I'm ready for something new. I'm ready for extraordinary. I used to be afraid that I was the only one who thought that way. That I was the only weird kid on the block who didn't believe her life was supposed to end in working the 9-5 job with a nice house and cute family. I thought I was the only one who couldn't picture a future of normalcy because it didn't feel right. Now, in talking with friends my age, I'm beginning to fear that everyone thinks that way. Is this a generational thing or do I just surround myself with people who are extraordinary dreamers? This isn't actually a rhetorical question either. Can someone please tell me if there are people in this world (20 somethings mainly) whose lives would feel complete if they simply worked a regular job and went home at 5 everyday to their nice little homes. Seriously, does someone still dream that way? I don't mean to make it sound trivial, it's a respectable desire, it really is. I guess I can't step away from the fact that it's totally not what I want, or at least I don't think it's what I want.

Wait.

Maybe at 20 something our parents thought this way? Are your mid-twenties the years where you're supposed to dream like that? And then eventually you either Peter Pan it and stay dreaming or you buckle down and grow up and start living a life of responsibility? Someone, anyone, help me out.

I'd like to take the time to apologize for my first statement and do a little revision. Nostalgia is not the devil. But if you let it go too far, I think it'll do more harm than good.

*Insert heavy sigh* I'm writing this blog on my break from my 9-5 job (that I actually do enjoy, but still). I know the answer at the end of it all is Jesus; I just needed to get it out of my head and onto [virtual] paper.

I can't believe I actually used the words "wham-o kablam-o".

I'm embarrassed and impressed all at the same time.

The obligatory end of the year post

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”

Goodbye 2013.

You've been good to me.

2013 was not, by any means, the easiest year but it was a year of so much growth for me.

I learned the freedom of vulnerability. I learned how to trust my instincts. I learned how to be a better friend (still working on it) and in turn gained some of the greatest friends I think I've ever had.

I learned a lot about my weaknesses and how far I still have to go. I learned how to accept grace. I learned how to lead others. I learned how to have a good attitude. I learned that I'm more selfish than I thought. I learned that I'm broken (and that it's okay). I learned how to worship. I learned how to genuinely love the presence of God. I learned how to heal. I learned that there is power in love. I learned that my life experiences, though slightly regrettable, are beneficial in relating to others. I learned how perfect God's timing is. I learned how to grieve with others. I learned how to be treated. And above all else, I learned that no matter what happens, God is ALWAYS faithful.

This year had it's ups and downs but at the end of it all, God was always there. I felt an abundance of hope this year. And even as a new year begins, I can say with certainty that I know God is faithful to complete all he said he would. It's easy to think of a new year as new hope, but I look with hope because of all of the good God has done in 2013. There's no 'wishful thinking' needed when Christ is at the center. Christ is hope. So here's to 2014 because it will be filled with the hope that Christ brings, his never ending abundance of love and the promises of his word fulfilled.

Happy New Year.

quick status

Well HELLO 6 months time. I haven't written a single thing in 6 months, and for that I am a bit ashamed but I'm here now so you can quit your yammerin.

I'm here to tell you that everything is alright. I'm doing alright. I'm not doing anything much different than I was 6 months ago. There are really no new developments. Sorry to disappoint.

I played my guitar for the first time in a VERY long time. My fingertips are sore but my heart is full. The guitar is still a bit dusty but it's tuned! I can't explain the sheer joy I get from making music; there is something that just clicks with everything in the world when I sing and I just don't get that feeling from anything else. When I sing, nothing else in the world matters. Stress disappears, anger dissipates, worry subsides and it is just me and my guitar/piano/instrumental track/silence and nothing else and it's perfect. There's a release that happens when I'm singing in my "sweet spot" that I can't even explain. Even if I could, I probably wouldn't for fear of sounding too cheesy. I have this secret love for all things cheesy and emotional but an I have an even bigger part of me that is embarrassed by people who put that cheesiness/emotion on display (mostly theatre kids or high school girls who think they're in love) so I'll refrain from the sappiness for the time being.

I realized something the other day that kind of shocked me. I'm afraid of A LOT. That's not what shocked me though, I already knew that. I was surprised that one of those fears includes hanging out with people for the first time one on one. I'm not just talking about romantically, I mean just regular old friendships or anything that includes just me and another person. I'm so afraid that the other person won't think I'm fun! I always feel legitimately uneasy about the first time and then eventually when I do hang out one on one, I just keep talking and act super awkward. I've just noticed it recently and I really hate it. Random and ridiculous, I know but I needed to get it off my chest and into cyberspace.

I have plenty more to share but I'm pretty tired and the old thinker doesn't do to well with exhaustion so I'm going to take my grandma self to bed and hopefully do some more blogging this week. I very much miss this. I'll be back though, I promise.

Goodnight <3>

WRITE IT OUT

I wrote a letter yesterday to myself as if I were to have written in 10 years ago. Some names have been censored to protect the innocent. Enjoy.

February 21, 2003

Dear Future Sabrina,

Teehee. It’s so weird to think that you’re going to be reading this! All I have to say is: you’re so lucky! You’re going to be 25 which means you probably live in your own really cool house and have a really hot husband. Hopefully. I don’t know about the boy department now because I’m more of the friend-girl. I mean, I don’t really care all that much, because I like hanging out with my friends but it would be kind of fun to have a boyfriend. Oh my gosh, it’s freaky to even think about! Whatever, I hope you’re enjoying your life.

Let’s see, what am I up to these days? Well, I’m a freshman in high school, but I’m almost done. I only have one more quarter after this and I’ll finally be out of the bottom. Ugh, oh my gosh, I just thought about the fact that you can DRIVE! How is it? I bet it’s the best. Sometimes I hate having to be dropped off places or even worse, having to take the bus! I hate it! There are NO cute boys to talk to and none of my friends take the bus I take! Stupid R*** and J*** are moving away soon so I won’t even have them to talk to or pretend to talk to. I’ll have to listen to all the crazy kids who, like drink and party, talk about their weekends where all they did was do bad stuff. I don’t do any of that stuff. I really want a “true love waits” purity ring because I’m going to stay a virgin until I’m married, I’m never going to drink or do drugs or smoke or do any of that bad stuff because I love God and I want to be obedient to him.

So what’s your life like? Well obviously you can’t answer me back so I’ll write what I imagine your life to be. I definitely think you, well I, have a really cool life. I’m sure I’m married, maybe pregnant, you have your master’s degree and I am working on becoming the boss for wherever I work. Do I end up marrying S****? I kind of hope so, and I actually feel like we would be perfect for each other. He’s nice and cute and well, he isn’t very nice but he’s nice enough and even though I haven’t seen him in awhile, I think we would work. I’m going to imagine that’s what happened. Sabrina A*****. I always used to write that name in my notebooks so it’s funny (though it makes sense) that that’s the name you (I) end up with. I’m sure I’ve seen Justin Timberlake a million times in concert and he probably fell in love with me because evil Britney Spears broke his heart. Yeah, that probably happened, teehee.

Is Jordan still really annoying? He probably is because I’m pretty sure it’s the purpose of brothers to be annoying to their sisters. I guess I kind of lucked out with my brother though. He’s not as annoying as he could be. He never tries to read my diary or fart on me nor does any gross brother stuff. I am pretty lucky (he’s still annoying though). He’s way better than B*** or S**; maybe not better than L*** or N***. Oh man, N***is so cute, but he’s always at his mom’s house. Dumb.

Anyway, I hope your life, well my life, has turned out exactly the way we’ve always wanted. I know God is in control and whatever I do, as long as I’m obedient, I’ll be doing his will and as long as I do his will, my life will be perfect. Thanks for being you/me. I’ll do my best to make it easier to have a good life when I’m older by doing good stuff now. Love us! Teehee.

Yours (and mine) truly,

Sabrina (well DUH)



...his grace is sufficient for me.

This is a little diddy I just wrote and posted on tumblr. Enjoy.

___________________________

I'm a screw up; a royal mess maker.

I am selfish, prideful, and have a bad attitude.

I do dumb things, i make rude comments and i think hateful thoughts.

I let my flesh take over, i ignore what is right and i indulge in negativity.

I am unlovable, intolerable and despicable.

I am imperfect beyond belief. I am CRAP.

⁸ "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Selah.

No seriously, think about it.

I am of NO USE to God. I could not be more flawed, yet Christ chose to die to save my insignificant, imperfect, unnecessary life.

WEEPING. literally every time i read that verse.

There is something I'm really good at. I am amazing at beating myself up for all the things i do wrong. I can honestly say, at the end of the day, I am my biggest critic. I can flaunt and act arrogant as if i could give two flying sh*ts about what mistakes I make or what people think about me but the truth is, i die inside. I carry ridiculous weights of guilt, doubt, insecurity and shame with me. Now, this is not to minimize the struggle of anyone else or to say that I am the only one who "deals with" whatever, but I am saying I am flawed and know it.

Do not misread this as a pity party or feel worried about my state of mind. For there is something in me that is stronger than any load I may carry.

⁹But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12

My skills and abilities are not enough. My faith and belief are not enough. My good deeds are not enough.

NOTHING I DO IS ENOUGH.

The only thing that is ENOUGH is God's grace. By God's grace I am free, forgiven and made flawless, that is, perfect. Only in Him can I boast.

Paul wrote 2 Corinthians. Yes, Paul who preached the gospel to millions. Paul who raised up influential leaders. (And yes, Paul, who pre-salvation dedicated his life to the demise of Christians). PAUL, said his WEAKNESS was his strength. Not his encounters with God, not all the time he spent preaching the word, and not his power or influence. He had no reason to brag on how great he was because he would literally be nothing without God's grace.

Holy crap. That's what I am.

Crap made holy by the grace of God himself.

I am weak and praise God I am because his power may rest on me and make me whole.

Jesus told me, his grace is sufficient for me.

gotta get back.

Where are my original thoughts?
Why are my posts lists of things i love or hate?
Where's the honesty and realness this blog used to posess?
So what if my writing sucked; this blog is for feelings, creativity and openness.
Where are my feelings?
Where is my creativity?
Where is the openness?

I'm gonna try to get back to that.
I'm better when I'm vulnerable.

OBSESSIONS.

The ukulele.

There's a huge part of me that just feels like leaving my old life behind, moving to Hawaii and starting over as an island girl. Until I'm able to do that, Hawaiian music will have to tide me over which is why I've been listening to a lot of Hawaiian music lately. There's just something so soothing about the ukulele. It makes me think of better days (which I'm assuming is still to come) and I feel like if I learn it, I'll be more successful at my island girl ways.

 

Local musicians.

You guys, I am totally serious about this right now. I've always wanted to be that girl that like, lives in a tiny little apartment downtown above a small boutique or coffee shop and spends all her time writing and playing music with random neighbors who live in the tiny apartment next door. Unfortunately, I chose the stupid route of college and now have to work an 8-5 job to pay off my student loans. Local musicians though, and especially the ones in Ventura actually are living out this fantasy of mine. I've been spending a lot of time watching Ventura musicians on youtube and have been going to the local coffeehouse that has live local music (Zoey's-my serious new favorite spot). I feel so cool being there and so inspired (and slightly jealous) of these people that get to spend their time doing what I love. 

Here's a local musician that I'm totally vibing with right now.

Jade Hendrix.