Find out who you are and do it on purpose.

The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose. ~Richard Grant

I don't know if its just because I'm getting ready to graduate or what, but I have been hardcore searching for...myself. It seems like such a weird thing to look for because in the past i think i always just assumed that I knew who I was. The funny, loud, black girl that people like to be around but don't necessarily take too seriously. And i think for awhile i was okay with that but at some point we all strive to be someone and mean something to someone.

I've come to that point.

Finding myself? Yuck.
it's crazy daunting and trust me, i don't think i'll ever feel up to the challenge.
but it's time i grow a pair and get on with it.
it's something i need to do.

God, I'm handing this one over to you. I mean, after all it shouldn't be that difficult since I'm just trying to find out the purpose YOU have for me.

it's like...i kinda feel like i know who I was made to be...but i don't wanna be wrong.
HELP!

dang it.

i'm struggling.

i am so scared for my future life.
i'm struggling with the fact that i don't know what i'm going to do with my life.
i'm struggling with money.
i'm struggling to know what's right versus what's easy.
i'm struggling to be who i was made to be.
i'm struggling to not feel worthless.
i'm struggling with trying to keep from being numb to everything.
i'm struggling to keep hoping for the better.

nothing that i'm struggling with is too hard for my God, though.
and although that gives me a bit of faith, it's still hard to see through the fog that has become my life.
i don't want to be too emo, but dang, life ain't easy.

i've come to the conclusion that i can't simply "get my feet wet" for Christ.
i've become too comfortable being comfortable and it's time for me to dive head first into the deep waters of Christ.
am i ready? no.
am i scared? yes.
do i know what's going to come of this? no.
will this benefit me? of course.
and knowing that WITH Christ, everything is better than it is without him, i am encouraged to keep moving forward.

Parental Units

I haven't written a blog about my parental units yet and I think it's about time.

Mommy: We argue like its going out of style but i think she secretly likes it. No one in my life could ever make me as mad as her but on the contrary nobody loves me more than she does and for that I am truly grateful. Even though I'm sure I make her mad beyond belief, it's only because I came from her and that's just the way things have to be. On the real though, I really do see all the things she does for me and even though i probably don't tell her enough, I love her with everything in me.
It's crazy weird because we are so much alike it's ridiculous. She's the best mother anyone could ask for and even though she's not the perfect mom, she's the perfect one for me.

Daddy: God knew what he was doing when he chose my dad to be my dad because I am a WHOLE lot to deal with and my dad seems to know the perfect way to handle me. Even though sometimes he makes me mad because he's too freaking quiet, I can't help but love him. Serio though, I love talking to him and he always makes me feel like I can do anything even when I most likely can't (i.e. drive stick shift...). I love him mucho and nothing could ever change that.

My parentals seriously love me and I can see it in everything they do and it's weird because I don't think every kid has that. I love them because they're my parents, but even if they weren't, I think I'd love em just as much.

.Roomies.

Sooo... Karissa and I are going to be roommates for this year in this new house and i'm so excited. We've already discussed that we know there will be days when we want to kill each other. It's weird because we are so much alike. Our personality types work very well together but we both have the same problem that could really end up in disaster if we don't treat them properly.
Fortunately, we're not worried about that at all.
What I love about Karissa is that I feel like regardless of what I tell her about my life, I don't feel like she's judging me but I also know that she will keep me in check (because she knows i would do the same for her). She's been there to for some of my big breakdowns and been able to help me more than i think even she knows.
Even though I've only known her for 3 years, one of which she spent hating my guts, I'm thrilled to see what this year brings. I'll keep you updated on the status of the rooming situation.

Summer so far

Summer: the period of finest development, happiness, or beauty.

I looked up the definition of summer because I wasn't sure how to define the season. I expected the dictionary to say something about the vernal equinox or some scientific term like that--i definitely was not expecting to find the definition i found.
Somewhat because the dictionary is boring but mostly because it felt as though my summer has been everything but my period of finest development, happiness or beauty.

I've gone through some of what feels like the hardest times I've ever experienced.
I've cried more this summer than i think I've ever cried in my life.
I've had to be such an adult this summer and i haven't exactly enjoyed it.

Then i got to thinking...

this summer has proven to be exactly what it claims to be.
I have grown so so much.
I've learned so much about myself through dealing with hardships.
and despite all my breakdowns and cry-fests, I have enjoyed the happy times at a more deeper level than I think i have in a long time.
My friends and I have come to a point where we have almost zero secrets amongst each other and we know that we can count on each other no matter what the situation is.

Although all this seemingly wonderful stuff has come out of my crappy situations, I have still not mastered the art of counting everything joy.
I'm working on it though, and I'm glad i can count on Jesus to love me in spite of my pitiful self.

*sigh*

My Girls

from left to right: Rebekah, Kendall, Kristin, Lauren, Karissa, Ciara.

i don't think anyone can possibly have friends that are as amazing as my girls. I live with the funniest, most generous, smartest, prettiest, craziest girls in the whole world. I love them each with all my heart. everything about them shows me that God was looking out for me when i chose Biola. they are the source of all my happiness. They're the BESTEST!!!

Rebekah: [regarding the movie Nights in Rodanthe] "I'm falling asleep just looking at the cover"
Kendall: "I'm sorry for calling your grandma a rich bitch..."
Kristin: "Not going in the blooooog!!!"
Lauren: "Oh my gosh. I would NEVER wear fur; leather maybe."
Karissa: For some reason I can't think of anything funny that she said. but i love her anyway :D
Ciara: "So uh, what do people wear to the gym?"

Bucket List

I've always had a semi-bucket list but it's been more of a mental one.
I mean i've always known there were things i wanted to do but now i would like to take the time to get them on paper/computer screen. i'll continue to add on to the list as they come to me.
bold* indicates something i've already accomplished.
so here goes--my bucket list is as follows:

1. perform on broadway
2. go to a beyonce concert*
3. meet justin timberlake
4. go to an american idol finale*
5. visit spain
6. spend a weekend in new york city*
7. go to a john mayer concert*
8. record a song in a recording studio*
9. be in a movie that's in theatres
10. meet raven symone*
11. meet leonardo dicaprio
12. audition for american idol
13. learn to play the drums and bass
14. eat a chimichanga/turkey leg from disneyland*
15. be famous
16. lose 5 dress sizes
17. attend a taping of Saturday Night Live
18. see a comedian perform at Gotham
19. own all of Michael Jackson's CDs
20. get married
21. own a great dane
22. be interviewed by ellen and dance while i enter
23. see a performance at madison square garden
24. tell S**** that i used to like him
25. kiss in the rain
26. have bilingual children
27. sign a poster with my face on it
28. have a paparazzi take a picture of me with shopping bags
29.
30.