WOOPY DOO!!!

I DID IT! I DID IT!
I finally auditioned for a play and it felt soo good.
i've never been in a play that wasn't for church or elementary school and im so excited to finally be doing one.
theater is so much different from movies or television and i finally get to see that other side.
i most definitely miss being in front of a camera but those opportunities will arise again.
WHOO. it just feels good to finally be following through with things i've wanted to do for like 10 years.

so i'm in the ensemble and i'm kinda frustrated because my voice (not to sound cocky) is definitely more mature and better than the majority of the people I was up against. but to be fair, the part i was auditioning for didn't have much solo singing so I guess they were trying to find someone with "the look" which unfortunately in most cases, i don't have.
but it's cool because this is my first play!

I can't wait to be apart of the finished project and rehearsing and being so tired from singing and dancing but having to continue because not everyone is trying their hardest.
AHHH!
it's gonna feel great.

anyway...that's my exciting news for now.
(still single...but theatre mostly always cures that :D)
i'll keep you updated on my theatre-ness!!!

in other news...i LOVE LOVE LOVE John Mayer's new CD, Battle Studies.
I cannot stop listening to it.
it's uhh-mazing. He never ceases to amaze me with his music.

done.

BLAHgging.

i just realized the last thing i posted was a Christmas list.
how extremely selfish of me.

i also just read a draft that i haven't posted and it sounds really bitter so i'm gonna delete it.

anywho. let me tell you a little bit about my last couple months.
I haven't really had anything spectacular happen to me.
matter of fact , i've been sick a lot and practically every part of my body has been in pain over the last month. it hasn't been the best week either BUT despite my present situation, i am seeing the joy of the Lord in my life.
I'm not complaining, I'm praising.
and fo sho...that will make everything feel better. Just knowing God's goodness has been enough for me.

okay. yes i'm happy.
but there is one small thing that's been getting on my nerves.
EVERYONE is getting into relationships.
engagements, marriages, dating, EVERYTHING!
everyone except me (and i'm sure a lot of other people too, but just let me vent right now).
i was talking to one of my friends and telling her that i feel so left out.
i'm so tired of hearing, "when you least expect it it'll happen" or "When you're not ready, that's when it'll happen!"
okay no.
For 21 years I've not been ready.
For 21 years I have been least expecting it.
so now would be the time for someone extremely special to come into my life.
i'm just saying.

okay okay.
no more whining.
i know God's got someone so amazing waiting for me, that when i look back and read this, i'm gonna feel so lame.
i'm not gonna try to rush something that is God given.
sometimes i just need to be a girl and complain about it.
all done.

Christmas List

I know it's WAY early and kind of lame to be posting my Christmas wish list.
but there are some things i want.
most i don't need but I wanna put the list somewhere and this is my favorite place at the moment so here goes (not in any particular order):
1. Nikon D60 (or just really any Nikon SLR anything. I'm not that good of a photographer but i want to get better and do it more often)
2. Macbook Pro (they're sooo pretty and my laptop is FALLING apart)
3. All the Michael Jackson CDs I don't already own (anything before 1979)
a. Got to Be There
b. Ben
c. Music & Me
d. Forever Michael
4. Full Size Keyboard with touch sensitive keys (any brand will do. as long as there are recording features and it comes with a sustain pedal)
5. The Office Season 5
6. Perfume-not sure what fragrance yet
7. All the Disney classics on DVD (that'll be kinda hard...stupid vault)

that's all (i know right...it's actually ALOT) i can think of right now. I'll continue to add more as i think of them. I know it's an expensive list but they're all just wishes that i'm not expecting to get all at one time but i'd eventually like to have all of them at some point in my life.

THIS IS IT

I love this song.
and I miss Michael Jackson.
and I'm mad that I won't get to ever see him perform live.
and I'm sad that he never got to actually COME BACK.
but this is it. and i guess i have to be okay with that.

Thank You For The Morning

I should be getting ready for my presentation for class right now but i just have a few things to say.
I think the majority of the time I or anyone blogs, it's the negative things that I feel simply because that's the kinda stuff you need to get off your chest but today i'm feeling really good. so i have some things to be thankful for (and kinda in lieu of November being so close...)

1. I am so so so thankful for my family and friends. they really love me (most of the time) and i know i can count on them regardless of the situation and they will be there for me.

2. The weather, although ridiculously unpredictable, has been exactly what i need every time. I love the heat with a little breeze. and i like the cold. and i love the rain. and oddly enough, i've seen all three during the past 3 weeks.

3. I am so thankful that I'm about to graduate. I'm super scared, yes. But i am getting so tired of doing homework all the time. It's lame and i'm ready to finish.

4. I love my haircut. Vain as it is--i really like it. My hairdresser did an outstanding job and i've missed my bob so much and it's good to have it back.

5. Mostly, I'm just thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. I'm so thankful that i get to wake up fresh and am allowed another day to praise God (even if I don't always take advantage of that allowance )

middle of the ocean

Trust: Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

This morning in the shower I was thinking, as I often do, about my future. Many thoughts about careers and living situations flooded my mind, but before I could let the stress of not having a plan take over, I simply thought...I'll just trust God with it.
"What a good plan!", I thought. Then I don't have to worry about anything. God's got it and I'll just follow right on down his path and everything will be easy as pie. I'll do everything he asks and I'll end up right where he wants me to be.
and then she lived happily ever after.
NOT!
If only I really could think and act that way.
Soon as I thought of trusting God, thoughts of neglect and huge sacrifice came to mind. Do I really trust God? Or is it simply a cop out for me to not stress and fool myself into thinking that God's gonna believe that I truly trust him.

So my thoughts led me to Peter in Matthew 14:22-33; when Jesus was walking on water and had Peter come out to meet him, ya know, in the middle of the ocean...without a boat!
I was thinking how, so often, I look at Peter and I'm like "Dude, why didn't you trust Jesus? He was right there!" then ohmygosh, I have my own AHA! moment (as Oprah calls it...).
Peter trusts God when he takes that first step onto the water. He sees Jesus standing in the MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN and is like "Ya know, I got this. I'm good." and for awhile he is good, but then he gets distracted. The reality of the situation takes hold of what was once full reliance on Christ, and instead of staying focused on what was keeping him up in the first place, he looks to other things and starts freaking out.

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've been in Peter's situation (not walking on water, but you catch my drift)...

It's so easy to look at Peter and judge and say things like "Pssh, Christ already proved he was trustworthy when you stepped out of the boat, so why, when things got rough, did you doubt him, ya crazy!?!" (loose translation)
but how many times have we done that EXACT SAME THING?

We step out of our figurative boats and begin the "trusting journey" where we see that things are working out the way God promised it would happen. He's proven his faithfulness and we're chillin' on the water in the middle of the ocean fully relying on God.
Of course we are, because at this point, things are easy.

• You have enough money to pay the rent and eat out a couple times this week.

• The medicine, the doctor gave your mom, is working and the sickness seems to be going away.
• You have a job offer ready for you when you graduate.
• You're enjoying living the single life and going out with your single friends.
  

Then the waves come.

• Money is tight and your car needs to be fixed but you can't afford to do that and pay rent.
• Your mom has an allergic reaction to the pills and is in the hospital because the doctors don't know what's wrong.
• The job is overseas where you know no one.
• The guy you were interested in, suddenly starts avoiding you for no reason at all and you have no idea why.

Where does that firm reliance go? What happened to the worry-free, believing-is-my-specialty, follower of Christ who was trusting in God so effortlessly.

waves happened.

Why is it that I can so easily look to God in the times where everything is going right and say "i know you've got everything under control"? But as soon as a little storm comes along, that trust simply disappears and all that's left is our fear and doubt that distracts us from what was holding us up all along.
As soon as Peter took his eyes off Jesus he began to sink.
We stop focusing on Christ and become distracted by the "wind and waves" of our lives and eventually begin to sink. We all do this. I, most definitely, do it and it's an unfortunate path to take.
Fortunately, my friends, the story doesn't end there.
Just as Peter is sinking in the ocean, he cries out "Lord, save me!"

"Lord, save me!"
Verse 31 says: "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." Immediately.

Jesus doesn't lecture Peter about how he could have stayed on the water longer, or tell him how bad of a disciple he is. Rather, Jesus saves Peter. He didn't ask Peter to wear a dunce cap until he admitted what he did wrong. No. Peter called and Jesus came to his rescue.

This isn't an excuse to lose your way and then call on Jesus. But it is a call to action.
A call to be firm relyers(is that a word) on Christ.
We can rest in knowing and be thankful that if our flesh takes over, we can call on our maker and he will come to our rescue.
But I want to live a life where I trust God in a firm reliant fashion.

amen.

Thinking on a Sunday

here i am on the sabbath...thinking.
is it wrong? is it work? i really don't know but imma do it anyway.

i keep having to remind myself that i am so worth it.
YOU are so worth it.
nobody should be able to validate or invalidate who you are as a person.
no guy, no girl, no friend, no enemy, NO ONE!

it's unfortunate how easily we can let someone make us mad.
or make us feel like we don't matter or that something is wrong with us.
well friends, i'm here to say that i've been down that road of insecurity and granted, every once in awhile i feel an itchin' to go back down it but it brings nothing but more insecurity.
and no one likes an insecure person.
people just feel uncomfortable around you cuz you're not comfortable with yourself.
and if you don't like something about yourself..CHANGE IT!

i was watching Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married, the other day. (which i do often because i think it's one of Tyler Perry's best) but anyway, i was watching it and towards the end, Sheila, one of the women, is feeling completely broken. Her husband was cheating on her with one of her friends, he treated her like dirt and called her names, he left her with no money, no nothing for the other woman. So Sheila is working with this guy who tells her that she is strong and should be proud of herself for getting through what many people can't get through. She continues to put herself down because that's all she knows and the man she works with tells her she is worth it.

I can't tell you how many times I've cried at that point.
well actually i can, EVERY TIME.

anyway, it feels so much easier to beat ourselves up for what we don't have enough of, or have way too much of, so that we beat others to it.
that is not the way to live, my loves.
it's not.

now hold your head up high and start acting like you were made in the image of God...cuz you ARE!
how's that for an ego boost?