Don't have it your way

Over the last 3 months i've had multiple realizations; mini epiphanies if you will.
God has smacked me over the head quite a bit and sometimes i listened, often i did not.

my most recent encounter, taught me to be grateful for the gift of not receiving.
I often pray (sometimes beg and plead) that God will do or give or provide me with certain things in my life that I believe I NEED.
And for the most part, it's usually an earnest plea. I most always truly believe that I need those things.
BUT what God has been teaching me is that i don't need what he hasn't given me.
I frequently thank God for the blessings he has overwhelmed my life with but for some reason, my human flesh always wants more.
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think of myself as a spoiled, greedy Christian that's always asking God for things; I pride myself on my thankfulness. But i do find myself almost doubting that God is answering or even listening to what im asking for.
What i love about my God, though, is that he likes to send me little reminders that he's still there. Most of the time when i get these reminders, i end up feeling pretty silly for ever having doubted Him.

A number of times we think that God doesn't necessarily want us to be happy or that he isn't concerned with our happiness because he does not give us the things that we think will accomplish that.
But in reality, God wants our ULTIMATE happiness and therefore doesn't give into momentary "necessities".
Rather he looks at the big picture and plans according to an ultimate joy.

Here I am at 22 years of age, and im finally starting to mature.
Did i really pray: Thank you God for not letting me have my way?
i did.
and as far as i'm concerned I never want things to go my way, i want things to go His way.
ALWAYS.

Stop and Stare

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...

--One Republic

Christmas List

it's lame but i like to make it. i'll keep adding.
so what. who cares.

1. Wii
2. Eat. Pray. Love. (movie)
3. This is It (movie)
4. Disneyland Annual Pass
5. tickets to see Next to Normal (play)
6. Inception (movie)
7. Glee Season 1 (the whole season)
8. Workout gear (shoes, pants, sports bras, shirts)
9. Snuggie
10. Macbook Pro
11. Dresser (the kind you put clothes in)
12. a cute thing to put my jewelry on (for necklaces, earrings and rings)
13. gym membership
14. Five-finger half gloves (in red, black or sparkly gold leather) just like the ones in the picture

emptiness.

loneliness.
senselessness.
worthlessness.
meaninglessness.

"something's missing. but i don't how to fix it. something's missing. and i don't know what is."
--john mayer

closing.

i love/hate that my last two posts were about Little Shop of Horrors.
the show's over now, though, so i suppose this will be the last one.

re-reading my initial thoughts on the show and participation in it is weird.
although i now feel as though i was in my element, i definitely felt out of place for the majority of the show.
Up until the last 6 shows, my whole body would shake before i went on stage.
i was never sure if what i was doing was correct and i really felt like i was so ridiculously bad.
fortunately, i don't feel that way anymore.
not in the slightest.

honestly, i was good.
i was really good.

im so extremely proud of what i did and feel even more lucky that i get to do something that i love so much.
as actors, we get the special privilege of being able to do something we love as entertainment for others.
that's a feeling that really can't be put into words.

the overwhelming joy that i feel when someone comes up to me with tears in their eyes, telling me that the show was their late husband's favorite musical cannot be described.

im so incredibly grateful that i got to participate in the show and am even more thankful for all the amazing things i learned from doing it.
my cast was phenomenal, the crew was outstanding and the feeling was indescribable.

i can't wait until i do another show!

Mic tape is a b*tch to remove

never read the reviews before you perform.
lesson learned.
although maybe a lesson learned a little too late.

i walked into the dressing room feeling nervous as i always do before a show but excited to get to do something i love; when i hear some of the cast talking about a review written about the show.
We had gotten two great reviews already so i was surprised when everyone seemed to be up in arms and attacking the writer of the review.
Come to find out, the review was a little harsh, to say the least.
The writer attacked the direction, the set and the lack of talent (mine included).
He said that I had a poor voice and lack of attitude (which seems just ridiculous because what i lack in EVERYTHING ELSE i make up for in attitude)

My initial reading of the review made me feel like I had just gotten sucker punched in the stomach while everyone watched.
My feelings were hurt. Extremely hurt.

(Later i would find out that the writer has some sort of personal vendetta against the theatre and in reading other reviews he's done for other plays; he's just as unforgiving)

I gave myself 5 seconds in the bathroom to cry out my feelings and then returned to the dressing room.

What bothered me even more about the situation was that none of my cast mates would let me feel. They were all so quick to tell me not to take anything personal. They kept telling me not to think about it but the damage had already been done, and quite frankly, i wanted to feel upset.
I wanted to be allowed to have hurt feelings. He said i couldn't sing! Why couldn't i be a little upset?

SIDE NOTE: There are times, though, when i feel like i experience emotions in a deeper more aggressive way than most. (I attribute it to having acting in my blood but who knows). By having those overwhelming feelings, I sometimes seem like im schizophrenic or bipolar because my emotions will go from really happy to extremely depressed in a matter of seconds where a "normal person" (and i use that term loosely) would only move from mildly happy to sorta upset.

WHATEVER.
I know its not a complete thought but it's all i got for now.

In other news: I am getting extremely tired of living in Ventura.
All my friends are in the Los Angeles area and I feel like im missing out on it all simply because i hate that stupid hour and a half drive (2 hours with traffic).

if you talk to God everyday there's no way your life won't change.