So You Want to Date My Brother?

I'm considering becoming an advice columnist because of the success of my Rulebook post and things of the like. What I'm trying to say is basically that people listen to me and I'm awesome. The two may have a bearing on each other's success but that's not what we're here to talk about.
You're here because at some point in time you've seen my younger brother and are now infatuated, or you've met me and just KNEW that if I had a younger brother he'd be awesome and fascinating as well. Well, congratulations because today is your lucky day. This is my brother Jordan.

It's become very apparent that my brother is a hot ticket item as of late and many girls have been vying for his affection and trying to win his heart. Since this is (unfortunately but insanely) true, I have decided to share the secrets of winning his undying love, or at least coming close to maybe getting him to take you seriously.

My brother and I are pretty close, so I have all the inside scoop and trust me, you'll want to take notes. So now, it gives me great pleasure (and by pleasure i mean complete disdain) to give you:

SO YOU WANT TO DATE MY BROTHER?
(6 quick articles on dating my brother)

1. On Jesus: This one is first because it is a NON-NEGOTIABLE. Therefore, if you don't love Jesus, you needn't apply.
2. On bikini pictures posted on facebook. Ladies, here's the deal, if you went to the beach and you took a bunch of pictures with your friends while having fun, I'm all for it. Pictures of fun times might be my favorite thing in the world, next to the sound of babies laughing but if you're posed in front of a mirror wearing nothing but a bikini and a camera flash reflection on your face more than, let's say, three times (I want to say once but I don't want to be too demanding), you're just not right for my brother, says me.
3. On spelling. I'm not asking you to know the spellings of every winning word from the national spelling bee over the last 10 years (would it kill you to look them up though?) I just want to know that you know there are 3 ways to spell there/their/they're and it would be fantastic if you knew when to use them. I'm not asking much, just that you know the basic skills that you would need to graduate from the 5th grade. If you have to type it out in Microsoft Word before you write it out, by all means, DO THAT.
4. On being friends with me: I have to know who you are, like you, and be close enough to you that being friends on facebook wouldn't be weird. But I don't want to know TOO much. So it's likely that if we're already good friends, it won't work out. When you're friends, you know about the bad stuff too. I can be friends with your bad stuff, I just don't want your bad stuff dating my brother.
5. On Halloween costumes: I'm not sure if you know this, but there are levels of slutty, and I, a girl, understand the desire and enjoyment of getting my seductress on for a fun Halloween (at least I used to, I'm reformed now). Still, there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. There are three main areas that are exposed during Halloween, the chest, the middle and the legs. If all 3 are bare, she's too slutty for you bro.
6. On aggression: My brother doesn't (and by that I mean I don't) like girls that are too forward. Plain and simple, being overly aggressive comes off as desperate. You don't have to comment on all his facebook pictures or like all of his statuses. Please. There's nothing I, I mean my brother, hates more than seeing the same little blue name all over, blowing up his facebook.

WARNING: Although none of the accuracy of the advice in this blog has been DIRECTLY given to me by, or even discussed with, my brother, I believe that if used in its entirety, your chances of dating will go from 0 to about 3%.<---That's probably not true either.
GOOD LUCK!

Declarations for a New Year

I was feeling really down today. Defeated and overwhelmed, disqualified and unworthy. So I took a break from work, went outside with a pen and a piece of paper and started writing. Honestly, I have no idea where these thoughts were coming from but it helped so much. I upchucked a whole bunch of thoughts onto a page and began affirming myself without even trying (or really even knowing it). Needless to say, I am proud of those words written. So now I shall allow them to enter an eternal digital existence.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. --Mae West

I'm jealous of all those making their dreams come true. I don't want to force anything to happen but I guess sometimes you do just have to grab the bull by the horns (Thanks Jacob Amaro for reminding me of this last night). I don't want to live a passive life only to find out that everything's passed me by when I have the ability to do something. What I want is to live life largely (Edna: "Be careful what you wish for." -Gosh, I love Hairspray). But really, I just want to do the things I love because I love them, and I don't want to take no for an answer (Unless of course it's a "no" from God).
There's a feeling I have that tells me I was made for so much more than this (the DA's office, Ventura, 23 year old slump). I will not be brought down. I vow that on today, January 13, 2012 (Friday the 13th, no less) that all my decisions will be made out of confidence. Confidence in Jesus, confidence in myself and confidence in the fact that I can do whatever is put before me.
All I am is a girl created by an all powerful God that only wants what's best for me. I cannot put myself down because I have no right to do so. I have no right to put down something that I did not create. I may not put down the work of Christ. If someone puts me down, that's a problem they'll have to take up with my maker.
I choose not to believe anything said about me, except for those words declared by my God. I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. He sings life over me. He has created me for SUCH a time as this and I will not let any of this time be wasted. I'm chosen. He wants me. He chose me. He gifted me to sing. He gave me a passion for people, a passion for the hurting, a passion to worship, a passion to love and be loved. He gave me the knowledge to know that my life will not be average. I will live a victorious, large, insanely beautiful, Jesus filled life.

and I'm thankful for that.

Throwback Obsessions

BLUES TRAVELER

Okay, okay, I know. I'm like 18 years late on this but you know how much I love the 90's and Blue's Traveler is about as 90's as it gets! As I fell asleep last night, an episode of Roseanne was going off and Blue's Traveler made a special appearance on the episode and I kind of fell into this mad obsession where I kept asking myself things like "Why didn't they get more popular?" and, "That guys voice is amazing, who wouldn't sign them?" Alright, I totally looked them up on iTunes and they actually have some other great stuff. You have 5 seconds to give me your best "judgy" line........okay that's it.

GILDA RADNOR

Comedic Genius. Seriously. Ever since I saw her as Rosanne Rosannadanna I knew I loved her but I saw her picture in an ad for fake wood floors and my obsession started all over again. She is pure comedic talent. Oh and FUN FACT: She was the first person to be cast for Saturday Night Live! She's just gold!

Current Obsessions

MISS PIGGY

I mean, honestly, what's better than a puppet pig that dresses and acts like a bossy, diva human. That's right, NOTHING.

PINTEREST
Every time I go on the website, I feel so empowered and inspired like I have so many untapped treasures in my closet waiting to be "upcycled" (a new term I learned and now find any excuse to use). It's kind of an amazing site for someone who lacks creativity, like me, but loves being creative.

Sabrina's Rulebook: 9 simple guidelines to follow to live your best life.

A lot of people want to know how they can be like me. (I mean, let's face it, I'm smart, funny and beautiful, who wouldn't want to be like me?) Well, listed below are 9 very important rules that I follow. If you want to be like me, or just live a better life, follow these rules.

1. Never take your hair down from a ponytail (or any "up" do) if you do not have immediate access to a mirror (or any reflective surface) to check the status of the "up" removal situation.

2. Listening to Christmas music is reserved for December 1-December 31.*
(Christmas music is a privilege not a right)

3. Never look lost when walking around somewhere unfamiliar.
3a. Never look at a map located in the unfamiliar location::often located in malls/parks/large schools.*
(it may be easier to ask someone for directions or look at a map to find the desired destination but embarrassment is not easily hidden, even if you are wandering aimlessly for over an hour before you finally find 4e where your drama class is.)

4. Know important parts in "important" books, movies and TV shows.
(You don't want to get caught in a group conversation where you're the only one with nothing to contribute. Even if you only know a very famous quote or situation, say what you know, then people will think you've seen it. Essentially, Sparknotes yourself.)

5. Never untag yourself from an unflattering photo on facebook.
(When I see someone in an unflattering picture and try to tag them, which I've only done once, but not to be spiteful, and it says "the person has previously untagged themselves", my first thought is 'wow, that's improper grammar'. My next thought is that this person doesn't want people to think he/she looks like this. But guess what, if a picture caught it, you obviously have the capability of looking that way, the same goes for the opposite though, so if you look way prettier in the picture, know that you have the ability to look that way, too.)

6. If you're not funny, have a sense of humor.
(Not everyone can be funny, only some of us get to enjoy that luxury. BUT, in order to make a significant contribution to this world WITHOUT being funny, or like curing cancer or something, you have to have a sense of humor. If you can at least laugh at the funny things your funny friends say, you'll be just fine. Chances are you'll glean a little bit of humor from them and be able to contribute your own little funny...eventually)

7. Memorize all the words to at least ONE rap song.*

8. Sistah's before mistas or Bros before hoes.
(Yes, this rule is old but it NEVER fails. Obviously there are situations where choosing your mista/hoe is necessary but it's rare. The people who will ALWAYS be there for you are your girls/bros, don't ditch them for a fling, trust me, it's not worth it. In order to tell if your friend is the kind of "bro/sistah" that should not be ditched, you can know by the simple fact that if you did (unfortunately) break this rule, he or she would still be there for you.)

9. Always wear your sunglasses inside a room and remove them after you've taken seven steps.


WARNING: If your life isn't amazing after you've followed these guidelines, there's nothing I can really do about it, sorry.

*amendments:
(2) One may begin listening to Christmas music on the day after Thanksgiving aka Black Friday if one so desires and may continue listening through January 14.
(3a)One may look at a map ONLY by walking past said map multiple times and slightly slowing down to try to subtly see where desired destination is located. It is important that no one notices this act.
(7)If one mainly listens to rap, replace "rap" with "country" or "pop rock".

SAVE THANKSGIVING: Curing PCMA one life at a time.

A serious issue has been plaguing our nation for years now. It's a problem that we need to pay much attention to because ignoring it could cause serious damage. Our nation is suffering from Premature Christmas Music Auscultation (yes, I know that word is usually used medically) also known as PCMA. PCMA is an extremely delicate situation and in order to save innocent lives from this terrible affliction, I've begun a SAVE THANKSGIVING campaign. Ryan Seacrest is an avid sponsor of this notable cause.
In order to begin the cure for PCMA and raise money as well as awareness, I've come up with a few solutions.

The first is selling Thanksgiving decor. Too often, Thanksgiving gets lumped in with Halloween or even worse FALL. Thanksgiving and fall are not one in the same, nor should their decorations just be one little, lonely yellowish flower. I would like to open up a chain of cornucopia patches around the United States so that people can properly decorate for the date known casually as "the holiday between Halloween and Christmas (Chanukah for all my Jewish readers, L'chaim!).

Just like carving pumpkins and decorating the Christmas tree is a big deal, people can get together and stuff their cornucopias with all kinds of great things! (Hallmark, get on this train and start selling personalized cornucopias now before it starts moving too fast.)

Secondly, I feel as though people don't take advantage of the falling leaves very much. We don't care about the dried leaves for Halloween so let's use them to our Thanksgiving advantage! In NYC, there is a huge ice skating rink they put in the middle of the Rockefeller center and in Central Park. Why not make giant leaf piles in different places where people can jump in them for fun. Honestly, no one is too old to jump in a leaf pile. Couples can come and jump together, get engaged and take engagement photos (see previous posts on how to get perfect engagement photos) at the leaf piles, families can take their young kids for the first time to the leaf pile and friends can just come to hang out and gossip after they jump in the leaf pile. Really it's a gold mine that just no one has tried to make happen.

The biggest and most important thing were missing from Thanksgiving, which would solve alot of the cases of PCMA is that there is no genre of Thanksgiving music. Well, things are about to change. I am going to be the first artist to sing about one of the most important (yet, unfortunately forgotten) holidays of the year. I've already begun working on some songs which are soon to become the classic hits of Thanksgiving. Here are some of the titles:
"Oh Tryptophan"
"I won't be eating for 3 months after this"
"Unbutton my pants" (an R&B chart topper)
"I saw mommy slicing cranberry sauce"
"The kid's table"
...and many more.
Trust me, Bieber is gonna be all over this next year.

I'm doing my part to find a cure for PCMA, what are you doing?
SAVE THANKSGIVING!

Christmas List 2011

It's that time of year again! Christmas is 2 months away (and we still have Thanksgiving to celebrate, let us not forget!) and I've already begun thinking about what I want to get my friends and family. This is the first year that I have a really good paying job (and some good money in my savings) so I'm pretty excited about the gifts I'm gonna be able to afford! Alas, this blog is not about what I'm getting my family and friends, this is about ME! Because isn't that what Christmas is all about? Selfishness and seeing which friends you're gonna take with you to the new year because they give out stellar presents? Totally joking. It's about Christmas music! Okay for real it's about Jesus but I'm still gonna put my list up.

1. A juicer
2. Street/mountain hybrid bike
3. Silver cross necklace
4. blow dryer with comb attachment
5. flat iron
6. iPhone 4s (plus a cute new cover)
7. macbook pro
8. Crazy, Stupid Love (DVD)
9. brown flats
10. five finger half gloves
11. cowboy boots
12. Sewing machine

Christmas is still a ways away so I'll be adding to this list continually throughout the next couple months.
Don't judge me.