i'm getting tired of believing and even sicker of pretending, that it's not so bad, just wait it out

*while i write this i'm considering just simply deleting it so no one can read it. but i need to get it out.*

today, there is a huge weight on my shoulders.
i can't pinpoint what the feeling is.
it feels like 1/8 loneliness, 1/8 sadness, 1/8 confusion, 1/8 indifferent, 1/8 hopelessness, and 3/8 frustration.
my heart feels heavy. the excitement i felt this morning seems only a distant memory.
i'm gonna cry tonight.
it's just one of those times.

i don't want comfort, or pity, or someone to tell me they love me.
i just need to cry.
i need to be vulnerable...with myself.
with God.
i need to be honest...about my life.
about my feelings.

im scared.
im frightened the hell out.

i'm losing weight...which is a good thing.
pound by pound im slowly melting away.
i think that's part of it though.
i got on the scale today (which i do approximately every hour-i know i shouldn't but i've never been the kind to follow the rules)
anyway, i got on the scale today and it said i didn't lose any weight.
i know it's only been 3 days since my last weigh in but still i was pissed.

my friends don't seem as close to each other since i moved out.
it's like there are miniature groups within the house and i don't know why im worried, but i am.

this is the most rambling i've done in awhile.
i still don't know if i want to post this.

i'll think about it.
i have rehearsal in 30 minutes.
so i'd better go.

**i thought about it and i feel a little better now. so i guess it's okay to post this. minor breakdown**