Go On and Sing, Boy!

today was a great day.
i spent all day in some baggy shorts and a TMZ shirt.
i worked on a song that i came up with last night.
the song changed three different times but the last change gave the song a BLUES-y feel and that's what I'm sticking to.
It felt so great to just be a musician for the day.
I pulled out my guitar a couple times and hammered out some chords and then i would just "tickle the ivories" and sometimes i would just sing as loud as i could-loving the musical beauty that God has given me.
I complain a lot about what musical talents I'm lacking but i truly love music.
it's crazy insane how much music affects me.
thank God for it though.

Matt Giraud has a song called Go On and Sing, Boy and there's a line in it that says:
"let the music bring you joy. cuz i know that down deep i was meant for this one thing. so come on baby why don't you sing?"

Seriously, a message can be brought to us in so many ways and this song just spoke to me the moment i heard it. (and at perfect timing too!)
anyway...I'm working on life. working real hard and i know that down deep i was meant for something great.

in my head like a song on the radio.

everyday i try to remember that God has given me talents
and it's extremely hard to really understand what those talents are.
people tell me i have a good singing voice but all i can do is compare it to other people who are better than me.
my struggle really lies in using the gifts i have been given.
i know there is some special purpose God has for my gifts and talents and i know he doesn't want to see me letting them go to waste but I'm concerned that what I think are my talents are not necessarily my talents and that I'm overlooking a gift that God wants me to use.
it's really just a constant struggle i suppose.

I often think about how life would be different had one circumstance changed.
For instance, had I not gone to Biola.
or if I had a different roommate.
Or had I more aggressively pursued an acting career.
Sometimes i become engulfed in my potential life that I begin to either praise Jesus that I made the choice i did or become upset that I didn't choose something.
Obviously (if you've been paying attention) I'm more inclined to choose the latter.
I begin to regret decisions or try to make up for them in the "now" but rather than dwelling on the past, i need to look forward.
Only my future can be changed now, and if i walk in a manner worthy, I'm sure the things God has called me to will come to pass.

I'm a little discouraged about the future though.
For the longest, I've wanted to move to New York City after graduation and i had a rough outlined plan of making that happen.
It was exciting because i was hearing all these success stories of my friends moving there and loving being in the city and never really wanting to come back.
BUT lately-
of course, I keep hearing discouraging things about the whole situation.
I don't have a job there and a friend who just moved back to LA said she couldn't find a job so she HAD to come back.
now I'm having trouble seeing this as either a sign or a distraction by the devil to keep me from fulfilling my purpose.
I don't know.
too difficult to decide right now.

Anywho...Christmas was great!
I love seeing my extended family and being around all my cousins and aunts and uncles and random people that come to eat the BEST food that really ever has existed.
I'm also super excited for my new baby:
It's a Casio CDP-100. I have no idea what that means but it makes beautiful music and i LOVE it.
Anyway...I should probably sleep now. I haven't gotten much for the last few days. It's just hard for me to sleep when i feel like i have songs going through my head.
Goodnight my dearies.

don't cry for me, argentina.

i really hate how short the last few posts have been but i have something coming.
i promise.

The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.

the time has once again come.
life is hard.
it's a lot easier to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel having just come from "good".
i mean, the good can't last forever but fortunately neither can the bad.
which thankfully i am reminded of.

this needs to be said

I LOVE GLEE!!!
with honestly everything in me...the show is like everything i could ever dream of.
dramatic, i know. but the show is soooo good.

wanna know a secret?

i pretend to hate the rain. (because i'm from the beach...it's sorta my civil duty).
but secretly...I LOVE IT!

golly gee willickers

excuse me while i take a huge breath and let it out before i start this post.
okay. thanks.

Soooo...i wrote about my anger not too long ago and I'm realizing now that I've been going about things a little wrong.
sure, i realized my anger was affecting the way i handled situations but when it came to apologize, i still felt the need to criticize the way others handled their part in the situation.
Friends, let me tell you, when i get to thinking about how i can be better, it's usually really good but also not good.
it's good because i make a huge realization and come up with a way to change it.
it's not good because...i have to humble myself and change my behavior.
For me, that is NOT easy.
okay so here i am thinking about what I'm going to say to the guy that made me mad yesterday.
and of course I'm going to apologize but also I'm going to make him aware of what he did wrong too so that he, like me, will be able to learn from it and move on as a better person.
here's the problem, it is not my job to let him know what he is doing wrong.
i realize that as a Christian we are called to confront in love, but in my case, i think i would be doing it to keep from being so vulnerable. i wouldn't want to make myself open for judgment or even show that i was wrong.
that is wrong.
so i began thinking about how Jesus would approach this situation, then i remembered that he never needed to apologize because, oh wait...HE WAS PERFECT!
so then I'm like, well in the situation where someone wronged him, he would simply forgive the person.
there were people who wanted him killed in the most excruciating way possible, and he still forgave them.

then i remembered this song by India.Arie called Wings of Forgiveness where she says,"If Jesus can forgive crucifixion, surely I can survive and find a resolution."

ugh.
seriously, sometimes i just wish i could not reflect on things I've done and live a guilt-free life.
unfortunately, i was blessed with a HUGE, overbearing conscience and these wrongs must be righted.
can you hear the motors running in my head trying to come up with an excuse to not love my enemies?
anyway, we'll see how things go but I'm sure things will end up better than they started.
Jesus knows what he's talking about when he tells us to love one another just as God loves us. Eek!