God is Good and so is the New Drake CD

...well good in a different kind of way.

crap.
i had this really great idea for a blog based on this book i read. i just finished it a couple of days ago.
it's called Imaginary Jesus by Matt Mikalatos.
it was crazy good.
like literally, life altering good.

i don't think I've ever felt that way about a book before. let alone a Christian book!
(not that Christian books are bad or anything but i have a hard time relating to cheesy books that tell me to "court" rather than date and other things of the sort)
but this book wasn't about dating (or not dating).
it was written like a novel in order to help me "find Jesus" so to speak.
anyway...i borrowed it from my job and then returned it without getting all the little quotes i wanted (all i have are page numbers).
whatever. just read the book yourself.
it's kind of amazing.

as for Father's day.
i didn't get to do anything super special because i had to work all day but i did get to spend time with my family.
they're pretty great.
i was sitting in Joe's Crab Shack with them arguing, laughing, making fun of each other and making bets.
i honestly couldn't ask for a better set.

my mother...although I'll deny it until I'm dead, she seriously gave me ALL of her personality.
we're exactly the same person. i understand her and i like to make her mad just to watch her get angry but it's cuz i love her so much. I'm EXTREMELY lucky that i have a mom who i can tell anything to. she's my friend and i know it's not that way for a lot of people and I'm super thankful for her.

my brother...he's freaking hilarious. i don't know when he all of a sudden became someone i actually like being around but I'm so glad it happened. he still bugs me (in true little brother fashion) but he knows how to make me laugh and i couldn't have been blessed with a better sibling to get in trouble with.

my father...homeboy should be getting a BUTTload of jewels in his crown when he gets to heaven for being able to put up with me. I'm loud, and sarcastic, and messy but he loves me like no other. he's dorky and i love it. he treats me like the daddy's girl that i am and knows how to calm me down when i get all crazy and i love him more than words can express. i am so so so BLESSED to have him as my daddy and am so glad i could celebrate him today.I've had a few epiphanies/Jesus smacking me over the head with things i should have realized a long time ago.
But those are for another time.

Pomp and Circumstance

The time has come.
I officially graduate tomorrow.
Early in the morning I will walk in my cap and gown while my name is called out by my professor and my friends and family will cheer for me.I always knew this day would come and I always knew I would feel this way about it.
Nostalgic, excited, reminiscent, nervous, anxious but most of all ready.
I'm extremely ready to do this.
I've been getting sort of antsy about the whole thing lately because I knew that I would be hearing about all the jobs that everyone has lined up after graduation while I'll be going back to my part time retail job at the mall.
I expected a bit of disappointment and of course a tinge of jealousy (okay, more than a tinge).
but i don't think I ever expected the peace that would come to me after being back at the house with my old roommates.
A peace that actually passes ALL understanding.
Suddenly I realized the peace isn't an act of coincidence.
It's a true act of my Lord, my comforter, my ALL in freaking ALL.
God knew what I would be walking back into by coming to La Mirada.He knows my heart and all it's desires, impurities and insecurities.
Thus, he knows how to satisfy my heart. How to ease my troubled mind and calm my whirling soul.
This peace came not through a deep heart to heart with a mentor, or a passionate bible study, or even an influential speech.
My peace has come through the simple prayer before I stepped out of my car that God would bless my trip.A constant battle thrashes in my head almost every day.
I never know, never REALLY know what my purpose is.
I can't seem to figure out if I'm doing things right.

but somehow it hit me.
God whispered quietly that everything is going to be okay.
He has a plan.
He knows what's going to happen and he truly wants me to live my best life for him.

I complain a lot.I feel like I'm not really headed in any direction.
Like I'm not doing what I should be doing.
But the peace has hit me.
Where I am right now is where I'm supposed to be right now.
and where I am in 5 years is where I'm supposed to be in 5 years.
and as far as I can tell (which is about 1 second from now) I can't do anything more about the next 5 years other than be here right now.
I don't know how it happened and I think that's where the "passes all understanding" thing comes into play, but for now I am at peace.
It's undeniable that I got an amazing education at Biola.
but what's even greater is the spiritual growth I experienced in the 4 years I was there.
It's something I'll never regret and will always remember.

Stop tripping, homegirl

This is a subject I've written about many-a-time.
What is the will of God and how do i follow it?

well...if you're looking for the answer to that question, this isn't the blog to read.
it is simply the continuation of the question as well as a semi-realization to why the question is asked.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what i want to do with my life.
I'm 21, have a bachelor's degree and i have a vision in my head of what my "dream-life" would look like but i still struggle with how that life lines up with the life that God has planned for me.

I like to think of the "will of God" as a kind of river. (sort of like the lazy river at Hurricane Harbor).
The lazy river will of God (LRWG), if you will.

Now, God has made this LRWG perfect.
He has made a clear path, steady moving, with a destination in mind.
All I have to do is stay in this LRWG and i will get to where I need to go.
The river is moving, and without putting any effort into swimming, i would eventually arrive at my destination but with effort i can move along more quickly as well as ensure that I arrive where i need to go.
If i would simply continue in this LRWG, i would arrive exactly where God wants me.
There would be no complications, I wouldn't have to ask God "why is this going the way it's going?"
So often, i ask, "God, why can't you just tell me where you want me to go?"
But the thing is, God has already laid out a plan for me.
He has given me his lazy river: a clear path, steady moving with a destination in mind.
What i tend to do, though, is put my own ambitions, and selfishness into the will he has laid out.
I start adding my own little "inter tubes" or "rafts" to the lazy river.
I see other opportunities to get out of the LRWG and go on the water slides or do other things that keep me from staying in the will of God and keep me from following more easily the LRWG.

I start making excuses and telling God what I can and cannot do.
I'm reminded of Moses when God asks him to go tell Pharaoh to let his people go.
Exodus 4:10 says "Then Moses said to the LORD, Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue."
Moses tries to tell God his limitations.
God responds by telling him that he is the one that created the mouth and that he will give Moses the words to speak.

We often want to tell God the things we can't do and give him a list of the things we want to do.
I do it all the time.
God, I know you've given me a heart for Latin America, but I can't pray in Spanish, and let me say that I'm not that great of a public speaker, and let me say that I can't do improvisation, and let me say that I want to be famous, and let me say that I wanna be married at 27, have kids by 30 and a dog by 32.
I get so caught up in putting in my own two cents into God's will, that a once clear path that was made for me, is now clouded with all of my ambitions, and fleshliness, and selfishness.

Because of this, I now complain that God hasn't given me a clear path.
I tell him that I can't see his will to follow it.
Yet, he's sitting there telling me "Hey listen, I've given you a completely clear path. I've given you instructions on how to get there but YOU'RE the one who put her own ambitions and her own motivations into this will that I have for you. You are the one who made the LRWG look like this."

Fortunately, he doesn't just leave me stranded.
If i get rid of all those selfish ambitions and self-limitations, he will continue to lead me in his path.
He is not the God of complications. He is not the God of an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery.
My God is a God of simplicity. A God of straight-forwardness.
Granted, there are plenty of times when i feel like he is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery but i don't believe that's because he is trying to be complicated.
I think it's simply that my puny human brain is incapable of understanding the omniscience of God.

i complain about the difficulty of his will, the speed, the source and any other thing i can think of.
But if i simply follow his will, I will get to where i need to go.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

That's enough.
That's all i need to know.
He knows the plans he has for me.
I've just got to trust those plans and put my life in his hands.

Dear Cyber-Diary...

sooo this weekend was outstanding.
i got to see my friends and that was exactly what i needed.
i was feeling lonely and frustrated but those fools know how to make me happy.

something weird happened this weekend, though.

with a friend that i've known for a LONG time.
it was weird because i think we had a fight...and we've never actually fought before.
which made for the even weirdness of the situation.

THE SITUATION:
i get to her house, everything's cool and we're talking and hanging out like normal.
then out of nowhere, the mood changes.
it was so sudden that i can pinpoint the exact words in the conversation that it changed.
so long story short, i leave once and come back and ask why she didn't call me and tell me to come back.
mostly i was joking but she kinda took it seriously so i just kept on with it and then just felt kind of awkward being there so then i actually left.

as soon as i left i realized the pettiness of the situation and i knew very well that i could have handled the situation A LOT better.
im a freaking communication major...my forte is knowing what effective communication is.
(i rarely actually communicate effectively...but i know what it is)

anyway, i went back to my school friends' house and told them how lame i was and how ridiculous the situation was and that i really wasn't even mad or upset.

i was just irritated at the mood change (which isn't even uncommon for her to do-she likes to act like a child when she gets annoyed and she gets all pouty and i usually put up with it but i guess i just wasn't feeling it that day.

whatever.
there's really no solution or problem solving in this post.
just a little ventilation of this weekend's events.

aside from that ridiculous little tiff [that i'm not sure wull ever get resolved] my weekend was fabulous.

oh and also, i wrote this post because i know how she is.
she's the type of person to try to make people she's angry with, jealous.
she'll try and do things you love but with other people and then broadcast them all over social networking sites.
[most recently, she was upset with a girl. so she bought concert tickets for an artist that both she and her friend love but didn't invite the friend to go. and then she made a huge announcement on facebook saying how excited she was to go with this other person]

personally, i think that kind of behavior is childish.
therefore, i will vent on my cyber-diary.
cuz im way more mature...okay okay.
i'm just as lame.

anyway...i have a pretty good blog in the works.
so don't judge me based on this post...

washed away

i'm just tired of seeing the dark post i last wrote.

i'm doing really well, despite how i previously felt (see previous post).

i ran 2 miles yesterday.
accomplishment of life as of today.

things are good. i SWEAR.

i miss my friends from school though.
i think i'll get to see them this weekend.
80% sure.

CAN'T WAIT!

i'm getting tired of believing and even sicker of pretending, that it's not so bad, just wait it out

*while i write this i'm considering just simply deleting it so no one can read it. but i need to get it out.*

today, there is a huge weight on my shoulders.
i can't pinpoint what the feeling is.
it feels like 1/8 loneliness, 1/8 sadness, 1/8 confusion, 1/8 indifferent, 1/8 hopelessness, and 3/8 frustration.
my heart feels heavy. the excitement i felt this morning seems only a distant memory.
i'm gonna cry tonight.
it's just one of those times.

i don't want comfort, or pity, or someone to tell me they love me.
i just need to cry.
i need to be vulnerable...with myself.
with God.
i need to be honest...about my life.
about my feelings.

im scared.
im frightened the hell out.

i'm losing weight...which is a good thing.
pound by pound im slowly melting away.
i think that's part of it though.
i got on the scale today (which i do approximately every hour-i know i shouldn't but i've never been the kind to follow the rules)
anyway, i got on the scale today and it said i didn't lose any weight.
i know it's only been 3 days since my last weigh in but still i was pissed.

my friends don't seem as close to each other since i moved out.
it's like there are miniature groups within the house and i don't know why im worried, but i am.

this is the most rambling i've done in awhile.
i still don't know if i want to post this.

i'll think about it.
i have rehearsal in 30 minutes.
so i'd better go.

**i thought about it and i feel a little better now. so i guess it's okay to post this. minor breakdown**

begining again.

wow. it's been a year tomorrow since i first started this blog.
my blogversary if you will.
and here i am one year and 66 entries later.

i re-read my first post.
i was complaining about wanting to act.
and rejoicing/complaining about the fact that I wanted God to break me.

craziness.

well, things are good.
im having fun right now and enjoying life and not stressing too much over things that i needn't be worried by.
im looking forward to the many more entries/complaints/rejoices/confusions/faults i will be posting about.

and thanks for sharing this journey with me so far.
anyway...HAPPY BLOGVERSARY!