Dear Cyber-Diary...

sooo this weekend was outstanding.
i got to see my friends and that was exactly what i needed.
i was feeling lonely and frustrated but those fools know how to make me happy.

something weird happened this weekend, though.

with a friend that i've known for a LONG time.
it was weird because i think we had a fight...and we've never actually fought before.
which made for the even weirdness of the situation.

THE SITUATION:
i get to her house, everything's cool and we're talking and hanging out like normal.
then out of nowhere, the mood changes.
it was so sudden that i can pinpoint the exact words in the conversation that it changed.
so long story short, i leave once and come back and ask why she didn't call me and tell me to come back.
mostly i was joking but she kinda took it seriously so i just kept on with it and then just felt kind of awkward being there so then i actually left.

as soon as i left i realized the pettiness of the situation and i knew very well that i could have handled the situation A LOT better.
im a freaking communication major...my forte is knowing what effective communication is.
(i rarely actually communicate effectively...but i know what it is)

anyway, i went back to my school friends' house and told them how lame i was and how ridiculous the situation was and that i really wasn't even mad or upset.

i was just irritated at the mood change (which isn't even uncommon for her to do-she likes to act like a child when she gets annoyed and she gets all pouty and i usually put up with it but i guess i just wasn't feeling it that day.

whatever.
there's really no solution or problem solving in this post.
just a little ventilation of this weekend's events.

aside from that ridiculous little tiff [that i'm not sure wull ever get resolved] my weekend was fabulous.

oh and also, i wrote this post because i know how she is.
she's the type of person to try to make people she's angry with, jealous.
she'll try and do things you love but with other people and then broadcast them all over social networking sites.
[most recently, she was upset with a girl. so she bought concert tickets for an artist that both she and her friend love but didn't invite the friend to go. and then she made a huge announcement on facebook saying how excited she was to go with this other person]

personally, i think that kind of behavior is childish.
therefore, i will vent on my cyber-diary.
cuz im way more mature...okay okay.
i'm just as lame.

anyway...i have a pretty good blog in the works.
so don't judge me based on this post...

washed away

i'm just tired of seeing the dark post i last wrote.

i'm doing really well, despite how i previously felt (see previous post).

i ran 2 miles yesterday.
accomplishment of life as of today.

things are good. i SWEAR.

i miss my friends from school though.
i think i'll get to see them this weekend.
80% sure.

CAN'T WAIT!

i'm getting tired of believing and even sicker of pretending, that it's not so bad, just wait it out

*while i write this i'm considering just simply deleting it so no one can read it. but i need to get it out.*

today, there is a huge weight on my shoulders.
i can't pinpoint what the feeling is.
it feels like 1/8 loneliness, 1/8 sadness, 1/8 confusion, 1/8 indifferent, 1/8 hopelessness, and 3/8 frustration.
my heart feels heavy. the excitement i felt this morning seems only a distant memory.
i'm gonna cry tonight.
it's just one of those times.

i don't want comfort, or pity, or someone to tell me they love me.
i just need to cry.
i need to be vulnerable...with myself.
with God.
i need to be honest...about my life.
about my feelings.

im scared.
im frightened the hell out.

i'm losing weight...which is a good thing.
pound by pound im slowly melting away.
i think that's part of it though.
i got on the scale today (which i do approximately every hour-i know i shouldn't but i've never been the kind to follow the rules)
anyway, i got on the scale today and it said i didn't lose any weight.
i know it's only been 3 days since my last weigh in but still i was pissed.

my friends don't seem as close to each other since i moved out.
it's like there are miniature groups within the house and i don't know why im worried, but i am.

this is the most rambling i've done in awhile.
i still don't know if i want to post this.

i'll think about it.
i have rehearsal in 30 minutes.
so i'd better go.

**i thought about it and i feel a little better now. so i guess it's okay to post this. minor breakdown**