Over the last 3 months i've had multiple realizations; mini epiphanies if you will.
God has smacked me over the head quite a bit and sometimes i listened, often i did not.
my most recent encounter, taught me to be grateful for the gift of not receiving.
I often pray (sometimes beg and plead) that God will do or give or provide me with certain things in my life that I believe I NEED.
And for the most part, it's usually an earnest plea. I most always truly believe that I need those things.
BUT what God has been teaching me is that i don't need what he hasn't given me.
I frequently thank God for the blessings he has overwhelmed my life with but for some reason, my human flesh always wants more.
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think of myself as a spoiled, greedy Christian that's always asking God for things; I pride myself on my thankfulness. But i do find myself almost doubting that God is answering or even listening to what im asking for.
What i love about my God, though, is that he likes to send me little reminders that he's still there. Most of the time when i get these reminders, i end up feeling pretty silly for ever having doubted Him.
A number of times we think that God doesn't necessarily want us to be happy or that he isn't concerned with our happiness because he does not give us the things that we think will accomplish that.
But in reality, God wants our ULTIMATE happiness and therefore doesn't give into momentary "necessities".
Rather he looks at the big picture and plans according to an ultimate joy.
Here I am at 22 years of age, and im finally starting to mature.
Did i really pray: Thank you God for not letting me have my way?
i did.
and as far as i'm concerned I never want things to go my way, i want things to go His way.
ALWAYS.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Stop and Stare
This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need
What you need, what you need...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...
--One Republic
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need
What you need, what you need...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...
--One Republic
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Christmas List
it's lame but i like to make it. i'll keep adding.
so what. who cares.
1. Wii
2. Eat. Pray. Love. (movie)
3. This is It (movie)
4. Disneyland Annual Pass
5. tickets to see Next to Normal (play)
6. Inception (movie)
7. Glee Season 1 (the whole season)
8. Workout gear (shoes, pants, sports bras, shirts)
9. Snuggie
10. Macbook Pro
11. Dresser (the kind you put clothes in)
12. a cute thing to put my jewelry on (for necklaces, earrings and rings)
13. gym membership
14. Five-finger half gloves (in red, black or sparkly gold leather) just like the ones in the picture
so what. who cares.
1. Wii
2. Eat. Pray. Love. (movie)
3. This is It (movie)
4. Disneyland Annual Pass
5. tickets to see Next to Normal (play)
6. Inception (movie)
7. Glee Season 1 (the whole season)
8. Workout gear (shoes, pants, sports bras, shirts)
9. Snuggie
10. Macbook Pro
11. Dresser (the kind you put clothes in)
12. a cute thing to put my jewelry on (for necklaces, earrings and rings)
13. gym membership
14. Five-finger half gloves (in red, black or sparkly gold leather) just like the ones in the picture
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
emptiness.
loneliness.
senselessness.
worthlessness.
meaninglessness.
"something's missing. but i don't how to fix it. something's missing. and i don't know what is."
--john mayer
senselessness.
worthlessness.
meaninglessness.
"something's missing. but i don't how to fix it. something's missing. and i don't know what is."
--john mayer
Sunday, October 31, 2010
closing.
i love/hate that my last two posts were about Little Shop of Horrors.
the show's over now, though, so i suppose this will be the last one.
re-reading my initial thoughts on the show and participation in it is weird.
although i now feel as though i was in my element, i definitely felt out of place for the majority of the show.
Up until the last 6 shows, my whole body would shake before i went on stage.
i was never sure if what i was doing was correct and i really felt like i was so ridiculously bad.
fortunately, i don't feel that way anymore.
not in the slightest.
honestly, i was good.
i was really good.
im so extremely proud of what i did and feel even more lucky that i get to do something that i love so much.
as actors, we get the special privilege of being able to do something we love as entertainment for others.
that's a feeling that really can't be put into words.
the overwhelming joy that i feel when someone comes up to me with tears in their eyes, telling me that the show was their late husband's favorite musical cannot be described.
im so incredibly grateful that i got to participate in the show and am even more thankful for all the amazing things i learned from doing it.
my cast was phenomenal, the crew was outstanding and the feeling was indescribable.
i can't wait until i do another show!
the show's over now, though, so i suppose this will be the last one.
re-reading my initial thoughts on the show and participation in it is weird.
although i now feel as though i was in my element, i definitely felt out of place for the majority of the show.
Up until the last 6 shows, my whole body would shake before i went on stage.
i was never sure if what i was doing was correct and i really felt like i was so ridiculously bad.
fortunately, i don't feel that way anymore.
not in the slightest.
honestly, i was good.
i was really good.
im so extremely proud of what i did and feel even more lucky that i get to do something that i love so much.
as actors, we get the special privilege of being able to do something we love as entertainment for others.
that's a feeling that really can't be put into words.
the overwhelming joy that i feel when someone comes up to me with tears in their eyes, telling me that the show was their late husband's favorite musical cannot be described.
im so incredibly grateful that i got to participate in the show and am even more thankful for all the amazing things i learned from doing it.
my cast was phenomenal, the crew was outstanding and the feeling was indescribable.
i can't wait until i do another show!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Mic tape is a b*tch to remove
never read the reviews before you perform.
lesson learned.
although maybe a lesson learned a little too late.
i walked into the dressing room feeling nervous as i always do before a show but excited to get to do something i love; when i hear some of the cast talking about a review written about the show.
We had gotten two great reviews already so i was surprised when everyone seemed to be up in arms and attacking the writer of the review.
Come to find out, the review was a little harsh, to say the least.
The writer attacked the direction, the set and the lack of talent (mine included).
He said that I had a poor voice and lack of attitude (which seems just ridiculous because what i lack in EVERYTHING ELSE i make up for in attitude)
My initial reading of the review made me feel like I had just gotten sucker punched in the stomach while everyone watched.
My feelings were hurt. Extremely hurt.
(Later i would find out that the writer has some sort of personal vendetta against the theatre and in reading other reviews he's done for other plays; he's just as unforgiving)
I gave myself 5 seconds in the bathroom to cry out my feelings and then returned to the dressing room.
What bothered me even more about the situation was that none of my cast mates would let me feel. They were all so quick to tell me not to take anything personal. They kept telling me not to think about it but the damage had already been done, and quite frankly, i wanted to feel upset.
I wanted to be allowed to have hurt feelings. He said i couldn't sing! Why couldn't i be a little upset?
SIDE NOTE: There are times, though, when i feel like i experience emotions in a deeper more aggressive way than most. (I attribute it to having acting in my blood but who knows). By having those overwhelming feelings, I sometimes seem like im schizophrenic or bipolar because my emotions will go from really happy to extremely depressed in a matter of seconds where a "normal person" (and i use that term loosely) would only move from mildly happy to sorta upset.
WHATEVER.
I know its not a complete thought but it's all i got for now.
In other news: I am getting extremely tired of living in Ventura.
All my friends are in the Los Angeles area and I feel like im missing out on it all simply because i hate that stupid hour and a half drive (2 hours with traffic).
lesson learned.
although maybe a lesson learned a little too late.
i walked into the dressing room feeling nervous as i always do before a show but excited to get to do something i love; when i hear some of the cast talking about a review written about the show.
We had gotten two great reviews already so i was surprised when everyone seemed to be up in arms and attacking the writer of the review.
Come to find out, the review was a little harsh, to say the least.
The writer attacked the direction, the set and the lack of talent (mine included).
He said that I had a poor voice and lack of attitude (which seems just ridiculous because what i lack in EVERYTHING ELSE i make up for in attitude)
My initial reading of the review made me feel like I had just gotten sucker punched in the stomach while everyone watched.
My feelings were hurt. Extremely hurt.
(Later i would find out that the writer has some sort of personal vendetta against the theatre and in reading other reviews he's done for other plays; he's just as unforgiving)
I gave myself 5 seconds in the bathroom to cry out my feelings and then returned to the dressing room.
What bothered me even more about the situation was that none of my cast mates would let me feel. They were all so quick to tell me not to take anything personal. They kept telling me not to think about it but the damage had already been done, and quite frankly, i wanted to feel upset.
I wanted to be allowed to have hurt feelings. He said i couldn't sing! Why couldn't i be a little upset?
SIDE NOTE: There are times, though, when i feel like i experience emotions in a deeper more aggressive way than most. (I attribute it to having acting in my blood but who knows). By having those overwhelming feelings, I sometimes seem like im schizophrenic or bipolar because my emotions will go from really happy to extremely depressed in a matter of seconds where a "normal person" (and i use that term loosely) would only move from mildly happy to sorta upset.
WHATEVER.
I know its not a complete thought but it's all i got for now.
In other news: I am getting extremely tired of living in Ventura.
All my friends are in the Los Angeles area and I feel like im missing out on it all simply because i hate that stupid hour and a half drive (2 hours with traffic).
Friday, October 1, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
nope da doo
WARNING: i apologize for the horrible writing/formatting/style of this post.
it's kinda just an unorganized rant of how im feeling at the moment and i don't want to ruin the raw-ness of it by editing.
It's been a long while since I've seen the likes of a post with words that isn't from 3 months ago.
I've come to blog a few times recently but when the time comes to begin writing, my words fail me.
but i've begun a new theatre expedition and i think that is what has gotten my creative juices flowing.
so here are some words...FINALLY.
As previously stated, i have a begun a theatre venture.
I am Chiffon in Little Shop of Horrors at the Canyon Theatre Guild.
Although I'm working with the same director at the same place with a few people from the old cast EVERYTHING is different.
In High School Musical i felt like my talent was being lost in a crowd of mediocrity.
High School students who were further along than i was at that age at realizing their love for theatre but who still hadn't completely grown into their potential. (no offense to anyone from that show i love you all!)
but in this show i feel so completely lost.
i feel like the weak link because everyone is so INCREDIBLY talented.
it will no doubt take me a while to be able to accept the fact that i was CHOSEN for this role.
i didn't luck out. the directors liked me and believed that i would help in the show's success.
although every time i have to sing a solo in front of the group i feel like im going to pass out (not to mention every body part shakes, my hands sweat, my face gets hot and i want to throw up) i understand that this is going to be a HUGE learning experience for me and i think the cast has already adopted me as the little sister because i not only look like a child but this is only my 3rd show in LIFE.
i did feel slightly redeemed after i sang the skid row solo and one of the girls came up to me afterwards to tell me that i had a beautiful, soulful voice and she loved listening to me sing.
it felt good but i still feel like a total dud.
im working on it.
it's kinda just an unorganized rant of how im feeling at the moment and i don't want to ruin the raw-ness of it by editing.
It's been a long while since I've seen the likes of a post with words that isn't from 3 months ago.
I've come to blog a few times recently but when the time comes to begin writing, my words fail me.
but i've begun a new theatre expedition and i think that is what has gotten my creative juices flowing.
so here are some words...FINALLY.
As previously stated, i have a begun a theatre venture.
I am Chiffon in Little Shop of Horrors at the Canyon Theatre Guild.
Although I'm working with the same director at the same place with a few people from the old cast EVERYTHING is different.
In High School Musical i felt like my talent was being lost in a crowd of mediocrity.
High School students who were further along than i was at that age at realizing their love for theatre but who still hadn't completely grown into their potential. (no offense to anyone from that show i love you all!)
but in this show i feel so completely lost.
i feel like the weak link because everyone is so INCREDIBLY talented.
it will no doubt take me a while to be able to accept the fact that i was CHOSEN for this role.
i didn't luck out. the directors liked me and believed that i would help in the show's success.
although every time i have to sing a solo in front of the group i feel like im going to pass out (not to mention every body part shakes, my hands sweat, my face gets hot and i want to throw up) i understand that this is going to be a HUGE learning experience for me and i think the cast has already adopted me as the little sister because i not only look like a child but this is only my 3rd show in LIFE.
i did feel slightly redeemed after i sang the skid row solo and one of the girls came up to me afterwards to tell me that i had a beautiful, soulful voice and she loved listening to me sing.
it felt good but i still feel like a total dud.
im working on it.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
God is Good and so is the New Drake CD
...well good in a different kind of way.
crap.
i had this really great idea for a blog based on this book i read. i just finished it a couple of days ago.
it's called Imaginary Jesus by Matt Mikalatos.
it was crazy good.
like literally, life altering good.
i don't think I've ever felt that way about a book before. let alone a Christian book!
(not that Christian books are bad or anything but i have a hard time relating to cheesy books that tell me to "court" rather than date and other things of the sort)
but this book wasn't about dating (or not dating).
it was written like a novel in order to help me "find Jesus" so to speak.
anyway...i borrowed it from my job and then returned it without getting all the little quotes i wanted (all i have are page numbers).
whatever. just read the book yourself.
it's kind of amazing.
as for Father's day.
i didn't get to do anything super special because i had to work all day but i did get to spend time with my family.
they're pretty great.
i was sitting in Joe's Crab Shack with them arguing, laughing, making fun of each other and making bets.
i honestly couldn't ask for a better set.
my mother...although I'll deny it until I'm dead, she seriously gave me ALL of her personality.
we're exactly the same person. i understand her and i like to make her mad just to watch her get angry but it's cuz i love her so much. I'm EXTREMELY lucky that i have a mom who i can tell anything to. she's my friend and i know it's not that way for a lot of people and I'm super thankful for her.
my brother...he's freaking hilarious. i don't know when he all of a sudden became someone i actually like being around but I'm so glad it happened. he still bugs me (in true little brother fashion) but he knows how to make me laugh and i couldn't have been blessed with a better sibling to get in trouble with.
my father...homeboy should be getting a BUTTload of jewels in his crown when he gets to heaven for being able to put up with me. I'm loud, and sarcastic, and messy but he loves me like no other. he's dorky and i love it. he treats me like the daddy's girl that i am and knows how to calm me down when i get all crazy and i love him more than words can express. i am so so so BLESSED to have him as my daddy and am so glad i could celebrate him today.
I've had a few epiphanies/Jesus smacking me over the head with things i should have realized a long time ago.
But those are for another time.
crap.
i had this really great idea for a blog based on this book i read. i just finished it a couple of days ago.
it's called Imaginary Jesus by Matt Mikalatos.
it was crazy good.
like literally, life altering good.
i don't think I've ever felt that way about a book before. let alone a Christian book!
(not that Christian books are bad or anything but i have a hard time relating to cheesy books that tell me to "court" rather than date and other things of the sort)
but this book wasn't about dating (or not dating).
it was written like a novel in order to help me "find Jesus" so to speak.
anyway...i borrowed it from my job and then returned it without getting all the little quotes i wanted (all i have are page numbers).
whatever. just read the book yourself.
it's kind of amazing.
as for Father's day.
i didn't get to do anything super special because i had to work all day but i did get to spend time with my family.
they're pretty great.
i was sitting in Joe's Crab Shack with them arguing, laughing, making fun of each other and making bets.
i honestly couldn't ask for a better set.
my mother...although I'll deny it until I'm dead, she seriously gave me ALL of her personality.
we're exactly the same person. i understand her and i like to make her mad just to watch her get angry but it's cuz i love her so much. I'm EXTREMELY lucky that i have a mom who i can tell anything to. she's my friend and i know it's not that way for a lot of people and I'm super thankful for her.
my brother...he's freaking hilarious. i don't know when he all of a sudden became someone i actually like being around but I'm so glad it happened. he still bugs me (in true little brother fashion) but he knows how to make me laugh and i couldn't have been blessed with a better sibling to get in trouble with.
my father...homeboy should be getting a BUTTload of jewels in his crown when he gets to heaven for being able to put up with me. I'm loud, and sarcastic, and messy but he loves me like no other. he's dorky and i love it. he treats me like the daddy's girl that i am and knows how to calm me down when i get all crazy and i love him more than words can express. i am so so so BLESSED to have him as my daddy and am so glad i could celebrate him today.
I've had a few epiphanies/Jesus smacking me over the head with things i should have realized a long time ago.But those are for another time.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Pomp and Circumstance
The time has come.
I officially graduate tomorrow.
Early in the morning I will walk in my cap and gown while my name is called out by my professor and my friends and family will cheer for me.I always knew this day would come and I always knew I would feel this way about it.
Nostalgic, excited, reminiscent, nervous, anxious but most of all ready.
I'm extremely ready to do this.
I've been getting sort of antsy about the whole thing lately because I knew that I would be hearing about all the jobs that everyone has lined up after graduation while I'll be going back to my part time retail job at the mall.
I expected a bit of disappointment and of course a tinge of jealousy (okay, more than a tinge).
but i don't think I ever expected the peace that would come to me after being back at the house with my old roommates.
A peace that actually passes ALL understanding.
Suddenly I realized the peace isn't an act of coincidence.
It's a true act of my Lord, my comforter, my ALL in freaking ALL.
God knew what I would be walking back into by coming to La Mirada.He knows my heart and all it's desires, impurities and insecurities.
Thus, he knows how to satisfy my heart. How to ease my troubled mind and calm my whirling soul.
This peace came not through a deep heart to heart with a mentor, or a passionate bible study, or even an influential speech.
My peace has come through the simple prayer before I stepped out of my car that God would bless my trip.A constant battle thrashes in my head almost every day.
I never know, never REALLY know what my purpose is.
I can't seem to figure out if I'm doing things right.
but somehow it hit me.
God whispered quietly that everything is going to be okay.
He has a plan.
He knows what's going to happen and he truly wants me to live my best life for him.
I complain a lot.I feel like I'm not really headed in any direction.
Like I'm not doing what I should be doing.
But the peace has hit me.
Where I am right now is where I'm supposed to be right now.
and where I am in 5 years is where I'm supposed to be in 5 years.
and as far as I can tell (which is about 1 second from now) I can't do anything more about the next 5 years other than be here right now.
I don't know how it happened and I think that's where the "passes all understanding" thing comes into play, but for now I am at peace.
It's undeniable that I got an amazing education at Biola.
but what's even greater is the spiritual growth I experienced in the 4 years I was there.
It's something I'll never regret and will always remember.
I officially graduate tomorrow.
Early in the morning I will walk in my cap and gown while my name is called out by my professor and my friends and family will cheer for me.I always knew this day would come and I always knew I would feel this way about it.
Nostalgic, excited, reminiscent, nervous, anxious but most of all ready.
I'm extremely ready to do this.
I've been getting sort of antsy about the whole thing lately because I knew that I would be hearing about all the jobs that everyone has lined up after graduation while I'll be going back to my part time retail job at the mall.
I expected a bit of disappointment and of course a tinge of jealousy (okay, more than a tinge).
but i don't think I ever expected the peace that would come to me after being back at the house with my old roommates.
A peace that actually passes ALL understanding.
Suddenly I realized the peace isn't an act of coincidence.
It's a true act of my Lord, my comforter, my ALL in freaking ALL.
God knew what I would be walking back into by coming to La Mirada.He knows my heart and all it's desires, impurities and insecurities.
Thus, he knows how to satisfy my heart. How to ease my troubled mind and calm my whirling soul.
This peace came not through a deep heart to heart with a mentor, or a passionate bible study, or even an influential speech.
My peace has come through the simple prayer before I stepped out of my car that God would bless my trip.A constant battle thrashes in my head almost every day.
I never know, never REALLY know what my purpose is.
I can't seem to figure out if I'm doing things right.
but somehow it hit me.
God whispered quietly that everything is going to be okay.
He has a plan.
He knows what's going to happen and he truly wants me to live my best life for him.
I complain a lot.I feel like I'm not really headed in any direction.
Like I'm not doing what I should be doing.
But the peace has hit me.
Where I am right now is where I'm supposed to be right now.
and where I am in 5 years is where I'm supposed to be in 5 years.
and as far as I can tell (which is about 1 second from now) I can't do anything more about the next 5 years other than be here right now.
I don't know how it happened and I think that's where the "passes all understanding" thing comes into play, but for now I am at peace.
It's undeniable that I got an amazing education at Biola.
but what's even greater is the spiritual growth I experienced in the 4 years I was there.
It's something I'll never regret and will always remember.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Stop tripping, homegirl
This is a subject I've written about many-a-time.
What is the will of God and how do i follow it?
well...if you're looking for the answer to that question, this isn't the blog to read.
it is simply the continuation of the question as well as a semi-realization to why the question is asked.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what i want to do with my life.
I'm 21, have a bachelor's degree and i have a vision in my head of what my "dream-life" would look like but i still struggle with how that life lines up with the life that God has planned for me.
I like to think of the "will of God" as a kind of river. (sort of like the lazy river at Hurricane Harbor).
The lazy river will of God (LRWG), if you will.
Now, God has made this LRWG perfect.
He has made a clear path, steady moving, with a destination in mind.
All I have to do is stay in this LRWG and i will get to where I need to go.
The river is moving, and without putting any effort into swimming, i would eventually arrive at my destination but with effort i can move along more quickly as well as ensure that I arrive where i need to go.
If i would simply continue in this LRWG, i would arrive exactly where God wants me.
There would be no complications, I wouldn't have to ask God "why is this going the way it's going?"
So often, i ask, "God, why can't you just tell me where you want me to go?"
But the thing is, God has already laid out a plan for me.
He has given me his lazy river: a clear path, steady moving with a destination in mind.
What i tend to do, though, is put my own ambitions, and selfishness into the will he has laid out.
I start adding my own little "inter tubes" or "rafts" to the lazy river.
I see other opportunities to get out of the LRWG and go on the water slides or do other things that keep me from staying in the will of God and keep me from following more easily the LRWG.
I start making excuses and telling God what I can and cannot do.
I'm reminded of Moses when God asks him to go tell Pharaoh to let his people go.
Exodus 4:10 says "Then Moses said to the LORD, Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue."
Moses tries to tell God his limitations.
God responds by telling him that he is the one that created the mouth and that he will give Moses the words to speak.
We often want to tell God the things we can't do and give him a list of the things we want to do.
I do it all the time.
God, I know you've given me a heart for Latin America, but I can't pray in Spanish, and let me say that I'm not that great of a public speaker, and let me say that I can't do improvisation, and let me say that I want to be famous, and let me say that I wanna be married at 27, have kids by 30 and a dog by 32.
I get so caught up in putting in my own two cents into God's will, that a once clear path that was made for me, is now clouded with all of my ambitions, and fleshliness, and selfishness.
Because of this, I now complain that God hasn't given me a clear path.
I tell him that I can't see his will to follow it.
Yet, he's sitting there telling me "Hey listen, I've given you a completely clear path. I've given you instructions on how to get there but YOU'RE the one who put her own ambitions and her own motivations into this will that I have for you. You are the one who made the LRWG look like this."
Fortunately, he doesn't just leave me stranded.
If i get rid of all those selfish ambitions and self-limitations, he will continue to lead me in his path.
He is not the God of complications. He is not the God of an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery.
My God is a God of simplicity. A God of straight-forwardness.
Granted, there are plenty of times when i feel like he is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery but i don't believe that's because he is trying to be complicated.
I think it's simply that my puny human brain is incapable of understanding the omniscience of God.
i complain about the difficulty of his will, the speed, the source and any other thing i can think of.
But if i simply follow his will, I will get to where i need to go.
Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
That's enough.
That's all i need to know.
He knows the plans he has for me.
I've just got to trust those plans and put my life in his hands.
What is the will of God and how do i follow it?
well...if you're looking for the answer to that question, this isn't the blog to read.
it is simply the continuation of the question as well as a semi-realization to why the question is asked.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what i want to do with my life.
I'm 21, have a bachelor's degree and i have a vision in my head of what my "dream-life" would look like but i still struggle with how that life lines up with the life that God has planned for me.
I like to think of the "will of God" as a kind of river. (sort of like the lazy river at Hurricane Harbor).
The lazy river will of God (LRWG), if you will.
Now, God has made this LRWG perfect.
He has made a clear path, steady moving, with a destination in mind.
All I have to do is stay in this LRWG and i will get to where I need to go.
The river is moving, and without putting any effort into swimming, i would eventually arrive at my destination but with effort i can move along more quickly as well as ensure that I arrive where i need to go.
If i would simply continue in this LRWG, i would arrive exactly where God wants me.
There would be no complications, I wouldn't have to ask God "why is this going the way it's going?"
So often, i ask, "God, why can't you just tell me where you want me to go?"
But the thing is, God has already laid out a plan for me.
He has given me his lazy river: a clear path, steady moving with a destination in mind.
What i tend to do, though, is put my own ambitions, and selfishness into the will he has laid out.
I start adding my own little "inter tubes" or "rafts" to the lazy river.
I see other opportunities to get out of the LRWG and go on the water slides or do other things that keep me from staying in the will of God and keep me from following more easily the LRWG.
I start making excuses and telling God what I can and cannot do.
I'm reminded of Moses when God asks him to go tell Pharaoh to let his people go.
Exodus 4:10 says "Then Moses said to the LORD, Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue."
Moses tries to tell God his limitations.
God responds by telling him that he is the one that created the mouth and that he will give Moses the words to speak.
We often want to tell God the things we can't do and give him a list of the things we want to do.
I do it all the time.
God, I know you've given me a heart for Latin America, but I can't pray in Spanish, and let me say that I'm not that great of a public speaker, and let me say that I can't do improvisation, and let me say that I want to be famous, and let me say that I wanna be married at 27, have kids by 30 and a dog by 32.
I get so caught up in putting in my own two cents into God's will, that a once clear path that was made for me, is now clouded with all of my ambitions, and fleshliness, and selfishness.
Because of this, I now complain that God hasn't given me a clear path.
I tell him that I can't see his will to follow it.
Yet, he's sitting there telling me "Hey listen, I've given you a completely clear path. I've given you instructions on how to get there but YOU'RE the one who put her own ambitions and her own motivations into this will that I have for you. You are the one who made the LRWG look like this."
Fortunately, he doesn't just leave me stranded.
If i get rid of all those selfish ambitions and self-limitations, he will continue to lead me in his path.
He is not the God of complications. He is not the God of an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery.
My God is a God of simplicity. A God of straight-forwardness.
Granted, there are plenty of times when i feel like he is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery but i don't believe that's because he is trying to be complicated.
I think it's simply that my puny human brain is incapable of understanding the omniscience of God.
i complain about the difficulty of his will, the speed, the source and any other thing i can think of.
But if i simply follow his will, I will get to where i need to go.
Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
That's enough.
That's all i need to know.
He knows the plans he has for me.
I've just got to trust those plans and put my life in his hands.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Dear Cyber-Diary...
sooo this weekend was outstanding.
i got to see my friends and that was exactly what i needed.
i was feeling lonely and frustrated but those fools know how to make me happy.
something weird happened this weekend, though.
with a friend that i've known for a LONG time.
it was weird because i think we had a fight...and we've never actually fought before.
which made for the even weirdness of the situation.
THE SITUATION:
i get to her house, everything's cool and we're talking and hanging out like normal.
then out of nowhere, the mood changes.
it was so sudden that i can pinpoint the exact words in the conversation that it changed.
so long story short, i leave once and come back and ask why she didn't call me and tell me to come back.
mostly i was joking but she kinda took it seriously so i just kept on with it and then just felt kind of awkward being there so then i actually left.
as soon as i left i realized the pettiness of the situation and i knew very well that i could have handled the situation A LOT better.
im a freaking communication major...my forte is knowing what effective communication is.
(i rarely actually communicate effectively...but i know what it is)
anyway, i went back to my school friends' house and told them how lame i was and how ridiculous the situation was and that i really wasn't even mad or upset.
i was just irritated at the mood change (which isn't even uncommon for her to do-she likes to act like a child when she gets annoyed and she gets all pouty and i usually put up with it but i guess i just wasn't feeling it that day.
whatever.
there's really no solution or problem solving in this post.
just a little ventilation of this weekend's events.
aside from that ridiculous little tiff [that i'm not sure wull ever get resolved] my weekend was fabulous.
oh and also, i wrote this post because i know how she is.
she's the type of person to try to make people she's angry with, jealous.
she'll try and do things you love but with other people and then broadcast them all over social networking sites.
[most recently, she was upset with a girl. so she bought concert tickets for an artist that both she and her friend love but didn't invite the friend to go. and then she made a huge announcement on facebook saying how excited she was to go with this other person]
personally, i think that kind of behavior is childish.
therefore, i will vent on my cyber-diary.
cuz im way more mature...okay okay.
i'm just as lame.
anyway...i have a pretty good blog in the works.
so don't judge me based on this post...
i got to see my friends and that was exactly what i needed.
i was feeling lonely and frustrated but those fools know how to make me happy.
something weird happened this weekend, though.
with a friend that i've known for a LONG time.
it was weird because i think we had a fight...and we've never actually fought before.
which made for the even weirdness of the situation.
THE SITUATION:
i get to her house, everything's cool and we're talking and hanging out like normal.
then out of nowhere, the mood changes.
it was so sudden that i can pinpoint the exact words in the conversation that it changed.
so long story short, i leave once and come back and ask why she didn't call me and tell me to come back.
mostly i was joking but she kinda took it seriously so i just kept on with it and then just felt kind of awkward being there so then i actually left.
as soon as i left i realized the pettiness of the situation and i knew very well that i could have handled the situation A LOT better.
im a freaking communication major...my forte is knowing what effective communication is.
(i rarely actually communicate effectively...but i know what it is)
anyway, i went back to my school friends' house and told them how lame i was and how ridiculous the situation was and that i really wasn't even mad or upset.
i was just irritated at the mood change (which isn't even uncommon for her to do-she likes to act like a child when she gets annoyed and she gets all pouty and i usually put up with it but i guess i just wasn't feeling it that day.
whatever.
there's really no solution or problem solving in this post.
just a little ventilation of this weekend's events.
aside from that ridiculous little tiff [that i'm not sure wull ever get resolved] my weekend was fabulous.
oh and also, i wrote this post because i know how she is.
she's the type of person to try to make people she's angry with, jealous.
she'll try and do things you love but with other people and then broadcast them all over social networking sites.
[most recently, she was upset with a girl. so she bought concert tickets for an artist that both she and her friend love but didn't invite the friend to go. and then she made a huge announcement on facebook saying how excited she was to go with this other person]
personally, i think that kind of behavior is childish.
therefore, i will vent on my cyber-diary.
cuz im way more mature...okay okay.
i'm just as lame.
anyway...i have a pretty good blog in the works.
so don't judge me based on this post...
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
washed away
i'm just tired of seeing the dark post i last wrote.
i'm doing really well, despite how i previously felt (see previous post).
i ran 2 miles yesterday.
accomplishment of life as of today.
things are good. i SWEAR.
i miss my friends from school though.
i think i'll get to see them this weekend.
80% sure.
CAN'T WAIT!
i'm doing really well, despite how i previously felt (see previous post).
i ran 2 miles yesterday.
accomplishment of life as of today.
things are good. i SWEAR.
i miss my friends from school though.
i think i'll get to see them this weekend.
80% sure.
CAN'T WAIT!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
i'm getting tired of believing and even sicker of pretending, that it's not so bad, just wait it out
*while i write this i'm considering just simply deleting it so no one can read it. but i need to get it out.*
today, there is a huge weight on my shoulders.
i can't pinpoint what the feeling is.
it feels like 1/8 loneliness, 1/8 sadness, 1/8 confusion, 1/8 indifferent, 1/8 hopelessness, and 3/8 frustration.
my heart feels heavy. the excitement i felt this morning seems only a distant memory.
i'm gonna cry tonight.
it's just one of those times.
i don't want comfort, or pity, or someone to tell me they love me.
i just need to cry.
i need to be vulnerable...with myself.
with God.
i need to be honest...about my life.
about my feelings.
im scared.
im frightened the hell out.
i'm losing weight...which is a good thing.
pound by pound im slowly melting away.
i think that's part of it though.
i got on the scale today (which i do approximately every hour-i know i shouldn't but i've never been the kind to follow the rules)
anyway, i got on the scale today and it said i didn't lose any weight.
i know it's only been 3 days since my last weigh in but still i was pissed.
my friends don't seem as close to each other since i moved out.
it's like there are miniature groups within the house and i don't know why im worried, but i am.
this is the most rambling i've done in awhile.
i still don't know if i want to post this.
i'll think about it.
i have rehearsal in 30 minutes.
so i'd better go.
**i thought about it and i feel a little better now. so i guess it's okay to post this. minor breakdown**
today, there is a huge weight on my shoulders.
i can't pinpoint what the feeling is.
it feels like 1/8 loneliness, 1/8 sadness, 1/8 confusion, 1/8 indifferent, 1/8 hopelessness, and 3/8 frustration.
my heart feels heavy. the excitement i felt this morning seems only a distant memory.
i'm gonna cry tonight.
it's just one of those times.
i don't want comfort, or pity, or someone to tell me they love me.
i just need to cry.
i need to be vulnerable...with myself.
with God.
i need to be honest...about my life.
about my feelings.
im scared.
im frightened the hell out.
i'm losing weight...which is a good thing.
pound by pound im slowly melting away.
i think that's part of it though.
i got on the scale today (which i do approximately every hour-i know i shouldn't but i've never been the kind to follow the rules)
anyway, i got on the scale today and it said i didn't lose any weight.
i know it's only been 3 days since my last weigh in but still i was pissed.
my friends don't seem as close to each other since i moved out.
it's like there are miniature groups within the house and i don't know why im worried, but i am.
this is the most rambling i've done in awhile.
i still don't know if i want to post this.
i'll think about it.
i have rehearsal in 30 minutes.
so i'd better go.
**i thought about it and i feel a little better now. so i guess it's okay to post this. minor breakdown**
Monday, March 22, 2010
begining again.
wow. it's been a year tomorrow since i first started this blog.
my blogversary if you will.
and here i am one year and 66 entries later.
i re-read my first post.
i was complaining about wanting to act.
and rejoicing/complaining about the fact that I wanted God to break me.
craziness.
well, things are good.
im having fun right now and enjoying life and not stressing too much over things that i needn't be worried by.
im looking forward to the many more entries/complaints/rejoices/confusions/faults i will be posting about.
and thanks for sharing this journey with me so far.
anyway...HAPPY BLOGVERSARY!
my blogversary if you will.
and here i am one year and 66 entries later.
i re-read my first post.
i was complaining about wanting to act.
and rejoicing/complaining about the fact that I wanted God to break me.
craziness.
well, things are good.
im having fun right now and enjoying life and not stressing too much over things that i needn't be worried by.
im looking forward to the many more entries/complaints/rejoices/confusions/faults i will be posting about.
and thanks for sharing this journey with me so far.
anyway...HAPPY BLOGVERSARY!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
even steven: single woes
btw. [this is extremely rough. i wrote it in the heat of the moment and didn't edit it.]
im a little bit frustrated.
but at the same time a little excited because i have an excuse to blog.
the situation:
i went to the beach today with some long time friends who were home for their spring break.
it was great.
we tanned, read magazines, ate in n out, took pictures, watched boyfriends surf and felt the water.
(it was also a really crazy day but i won't get into that...)
besides the craziness everything was really smooth and very relaxing.
it just felt good to HANG OUT.
then we went back had a few beers and chilled in the jacuzzi and discussed plans for the night.
this is where things started to get weird.
my friend's boyfriend got upset because he thought that he and my friend were gonna get to hang out alone until we went out tonight.
when he found out that wasn't the plan, he got a little upset but tried not to show it and simply went in the house. so we left.
my friend then starts trying to rearrange the plans for what was supposed to be our "girl's night".
she started by trying to incorporate the guys into all the things we were already planning on doing.
this started a discussion on how this isn't the first time he's reacted like this and also how some of the other girls with boyfriends experience the same thing.
immediately i felt a little disconnected.
i couldn't understand why we had to change what we were doing just to make him happy.
i didn't see why we couldn't just enjoy the night with each other.
(i haven't seen these girls in months, mind you)
i understand that he wants to spend time with his girlfriend but in honesty, i haven't hung out with her without him since they've been together.
so im frustrated.
i don't know if it's because im single and haven't really had anything extremely serious enough to be able to understand the desire to do anything to keep the man happy.
or maybe it's simply because im not the type of girl to just be passive and do anything to keep him happy.
i can't see why any girl would want to be with a guy that gets angry over anything that doesn't go his way.
granted, i tend to be like that.
when im disappointed, my mood can go extremely south (but this ain't about me) but i certainly don't expect others to change everything they're doing to please me. (maybe i do, but once again, this ain't about me)
and anyway, if things were changed to please me, i wouldn't even really be able to appreciate it because the disappointment has already overtaken my mood.
now don't get me wrong, i really like her boyfriend.
he's a great guy and i love being around him.
im just a little disappointed with her for not standing up and being like, "hey, this is girl's night and you can pout all you want but i'm having fun with or without you being upset about me."
actually, tonight it feels good to be single.
for once...geeze.
im a little bit frustrated.
but at the same time a little excited because i have an excuse to blog.
the situation:
i went to the beach today with some long time friends who were home for their spring break.
it was great.
we tanned, read magazines, ate in n out, took pictures, watched boyfriends surf and felt the water.
(it was also a really crazy day but i won't get into that...)
besides the craziness everything was really smooth and very relaxing.
it just felt good to HANG OUT.
then we went back had a few beers and chilled in the jacuzzi and discussed plans for the night.
this is where things started to get weird.
my friend's boyfriend got upset because he thought that he and my friend were gonna get to hang out alone until we went out tonight.
when he found out that wasn't the plan, he got a little upset but tried not to show it and simply went in the house. so we left.
my friend then starts trying to rearrange the plans for what was supposed to be our "girl's night".
she started by trying to incorporate the guys into all the things we were already planning on doing.
this started a discussion on how this isn't the first time he's reacted like this and also how some of the other girls with boyfriends experience the same thing.
immediately i felt a little disconnected.
i couldn't understand why we had to change what we were doing just to make him happy.
i didn't see why we couldn't just enjoy the night with each other.
(i haven't seen these girls in months, mind you)
i understand that he wants to spend time with his girlfriend but in honesty, i haven't hung out with her without him since they've been together.
so im frustrated.
i don't know if it's because im single and haven't really had anything extremely serious enough to be able to understand the desire to do anything to keep the man happy.
or maybe it's simply because im not the type of girl to just be passive and do anything to keep him happy.
i can't see why any girl would want to be with a guy that gets angry over anything that doesn't go his way.
granted, i tend to be like that.
when im disappointed, my mood can go extremely south (but this ain't about me) but i certainly don't expect others to change everything they're doing to please me. (maybe i do, but once again, this ain't about me)
and anyway, if things were changed to please me, i wouldn't even really be able to appreciate it because the disappointment has already overtaken my mood.
now don't get me wrong, i really like her boyfriend.
he's a great guy and i love being around him.
im just a little disappointed with her for not standing up and being like, "hey, this is girl's night and you can pout all you want but i'm having fun with or without you being upset about me."
actually, tonight it feels good to be single.
for once...geeze.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
very important
two things i've been telling myself lately.
"Believe in yourself. Because you might be the only one who does."
"If no one else believes in you, at least you can believe in yourself."
--Sabrina Anderson
...i can talk the talk but can i walk the walk?
"Believe in yourself. Because you might be the only one who does."
"If no one else believes in you, at least you can believe in yourself."
--Sabrina Anderson
...i can talk the talk but can i walk the walk?
Friday, March 12, 2010
impatience is most definitely not a virtue
patience: the capacity for calmly enduring pain or trying situations
i love looking up definitions to words i already know because while the definition may be in my knowledge, somehow the meaning goes right past me.
i am trying to be patient.
i had a thought in my car (how it always happens).
am i geting so caught up in the now that im forgetting who is in charge?
let me back up a bit.
i went to the one acts at VC tonight.
there were 4 productions, 2 of which i know i would have been great in.
after i left the show i felt kind of affirmed that i was created to act and that i really do have talent blah blah blah.
so then i start thinking, well if i'm supposedly made for this, when exactly is something gonna happen for me?
when am i going to get a job?
when are things gonna start getting going?
that's when the thought hit me.
who is in charge of my destiny, my LIFE?
if i'm so supposedly reliant on God then where is my patience.
i've claimed to know that everything is going to happen in his timing yet i'm too busy tapping my foot while looking at my own clock.
there's something extremely backwards about me saying that i know that God has an ultimate plan for me but still questioning where my life is headed and when it's going to pick up.
we as a culture are so consumed by the ideal of instant gratification, that the moment there is any presence of lagging, we start to complain and try to do things ourselves.
the definition of patience is simply amazing.
CALMLY enduring pain or trying situations.
slap in the face.
i always want to simply get frustrated when things aren't going my way.
but patience is a virtue, dang it and therefore, i should be CALMLY enduring trials.
CALMLY.
calmly.
i love looking up definitions to words i already know because while the definition may be in my knowledge, somehow the meaning goes right past me.
i am trying to be patient.
i had a thought in my car (how it always happens).
am i geting so caught up in the now that im forgetting who is in charge?
let me back up a bit.
i went to the one acts at VC tonight.
there were 4 productions, 2 of which i know i would have been great in.
after i left the show i felt kind of affirmed that i was created to act and that i really do have talent blah blah blah.
so then i start thinking, well if i'm supposedly made for this, when exactly is something gonna happen for me?
when am i going to get a job?
when are things gonna start getting going?
that's when the thought hit me.
who is in charge of my destiny, my LIFE?
if i'm so supposedly reliant on God then where is my patience.
i've claimed to know that everything is going to happen in his timing yet i'm too busy tapping my foot while looking at my own clock.
there's something extremely backwards about me saying that i know that God has an ultimate plan for me but still questioning where my life is headed and when it's going to pick up.
we as a culture are so consumed by the ideal of instant gratification, that the moment there is any presence of lagging, we start to complain and try to do things ourselves.
the definition of patience is simply amazing.
CALMLY enduring pain or trying situations.
slap in the face.
i always want to simply get frustrated when things aren't going my way.
but patience is a virtue, dang it and therefore, i should be CALMLY enduring trials.
CALMLY.
calmly.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
don't judge me.
I realize i am extremely pathetic for getting so emotional over American Idol but it really bothers me when i see undeserving people make it further than they should
examples from past seasons:
Scott Macintyre
Sanjaya Malakar
Diana Degarmo
and talented people go home before they should:
Chris Daughtry
Syesha Mercado
Jennifer Hudson
**what's good is that all three talented people have continued on and are still doing what they're good at and are very successful while the other three haven't been heard from (aside from scott macintyre...but like his blindness kinda helped him...)
examples from past seasons:
Scott Macintyre
Sanjaya Malakar
Diana Degarmo
and talented people go home before they should:
Chris Daughtry
Syesha Mercado
Jennifer Hudson
**what's good is that all three talented people have continued on and are still doing what they're good at and are very successful while the other three haven't been heard from (aside from scott macintyre...but like his blindness kinda helped him...)
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
BITTERSWEET.
High School Musical 2 has been over for some time.
i miss the cast.
i miss their craziness.
it's really weird that it's over.
i just went back and read a blog that i wrote the day i auditioned (which is the same day i found out that i got cast!)
"I can't wait to be apart of the finished project and rehearsing and being so tired from singing and dancing but having to continue because not everyone is trying their hardest. AHHH! it's gonna feel great."
it did feel great.
all those things happened.
everything about the show was amazing.
i loved the feeling i got before going on stage.
i loved the chaotic behaviors that went on back stage .
i hate that i won't get to make fun of everyone with salina.
i hate that i won't get to yell at chelsea for being a diva.
i hate that i won't get to laugh with presston.
i hate that i won't get to be shady with john.
i hate that i won't get to be a creeper to marcus and stevie.
i hate that i won't be in the dressing room with all the other outcasts like me.
i'm so glad it's over because i finally have time to do other things but im so glad to have made the memories with the people in the cast.
and i love that High School Musical 2 was my first play :D
i miss the cast.
i miss their craziness.
it's really weird that it's over.
i just went back and read a blog that i wrote the day i auditioned (which is the same day i found out that i got cast!)
"I can't wait to be apart of the finished project and rehearsing and being so tired from singing and dancing but having to continue because not everyone is trying their hardest. AHHH! it's gonna feel great."
it did feel great.
all those things happened.
everything about the show was amazing.
i loved the feeling i got before going on stage.
i loved the chaotic behaviors that went on back stage .
i hate that i won't get to make fun of everyone with salina.
i hate that i won't get to yell at chelsea for being a diva.
i hate that i won't get to laugh with presston.
i hate that i won't get to be shady with john.
i hate that i won't get to be a creeper to marcus and stevie.
i hate that i won't be in the dressing room with all the other outcasts like me.
i'm so glad it's over because i finally have time to do other things but im so glad to have made the memories with the people in the cast.
and i love that High School Musical 2 was my first play :D
Monday, March 8, 2010
curiouser and curiouser
i really need some adventure.
i wanna go somewhere far.
where people speak a different language.
here is just so boring.
i need something.
perhaps...WONDERLAND?
--i'm totally obsessed with the movie that's all
i wanna go somewhere far.
where people speak a different language.
here is just so boring.
i need something.
perhaps...WONDERLAND?
--i'm totally obsessed with the movie that's all
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Tuesday, March 2, 2010
My Fantasy Top 12 for American Idol Season 9
GIRLS:
1. Lilly Scott-She's gone and i'm officially PISSED OFF! i thought she was one of the strongest contestants.
2. Siobhan Magnus
3. Crystal Bowersox
4. Katie Stevens
5. Didi Benami
6. Katelyn Epperly-Also gone. She wasn't my favorite but she was WAY more talented than a lot of the other people chosen.
GUYS:
1. Alex Lambert-UGH! I'll admit he needs a little "ripening" performance wise. But his vocals were always flawless...
2. Andrew Garcia
3. Casey James
4. Todrick Hall-I kinda knew he was going home but i think he actually would have brought some creativity to the show!
5. Lee Dewyze
6.Michael Lynch
P.S. Tim Urban...enjoy this while you can. Because in all honesty, out of everyone you deserve top 12 the least and im sad America didn't see that.
1. Lilly Scott-She's gone and i'm officially PISSED OFF! i thought she was one of the strongest contestants.
2. Siobhan Magnus
3. Crystal Bowersox
4. Katie Stevens
5. Didi Benami
6. Katelyn Epperly-Also gone. She wasn't my favorite but she was WAY more talented than a lot of the other people chosen.
GUYS:
1. Alex Lambert-UGH! I'll admit he needs a little "ripening" performance wise. But his vocals were always flawless...
2. Andrew Garcia
3. Casey James
4. Todrick Hall-I kinda knew he was going home but i think he actually would have brought some creativity to the show!
5. Lee Dewyze
6.Michael Lynch
P.S. Tim Urban...enjoy this while you can. Because in all honesty, out of everyone you deserve top 12 the least and im sad America didn't see that.
the craft
i've been watching a lot of movies lately.
old movies. new movies. good movies. crappy movies.
but i've been watching them because i want to make movies, i think. [at least for now]
[i don't think theatre is necessarily my forte, i love it, but it's not necessarily my calling]
anyway...i've been focusing on the actors.
their physicality, the way they use their voices and faces.
i've also been reading.
i've read a lot of interviews and biographies about actors who inspire me.
i want to learn the craft and learn to be great at it.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
suddenly i see
the love of the Father [God] is truly amazing.
period.
i had a horrible day yesterday.
i cried so hard and so much.
i went to the beach, sat on a rock and just cried.
no one was there so i started talking to myself.
trying to piece together the source of what was causing my pain.
i figured part of it was PMS but also i was realizing my feeling of loneliness.
since i moved back home it's been hard not having people my age around.
i lived with 7 other girls for the majority of my college career and now all the friends that i had in ventura have now moved away to go to college.
so i was struggling with that.
it wasn't a constant battle, just something that i was thinking about that day at the beach.
i just missed having people around to go to any time i wanted or needed.
so let me just tell you how good God is.
today i had two performances.
both had small audiences but i had fun nonetheless.
so we have a meet and greet after every show where i stand outside and sign autographs for the kids and get encouraged by the older crowd.
all of a sudden i see my roomates Kristin, Karissa and Rebekah, my friend Katie and Kristin's boyfriend Kevin coming down the steps with flowers in their hand and i start blushing and freaking out because just the day before, they made it seem like they wouldn't be able to make it to the show.
now, im sure to them they were just being the good friends they are and supporting me but to me it meant so much more.
all the loneliness that i was feeling yesterday was crushed and i was reminded of the AMAZING friends God has put in my life. they are truly wonderful and the love of God incarnate.
on my way home from the show i cried just as hard as i did at the beach but for a different reason.
i was reminded of God's love for me.
his amazing love that i shouldn't have to be reminded of.
but a love that he has no problem showing and reminding me of.
i couldn't help but cry because i realized that even if i saw love nowhere else in my life, my friends are the true representation of how much God loves me and that he listens to my prayers and cares about my hurts.
period.
i had a horrible day yesterday.
i cried so hard and so much.
i went to the beach, sat on a rock and just cried.
no one was there so i started talking to myself.
trying to piece together the source of what was causing my pain.
i figured part of it was PMS but also i was realizing my feeling of loneliness.
since i moved back home it's been hard not having people my age around.
i lived with 7 other girls for the majority of my college career and now all the friends that i had in ventura have now moved away to go to college.
so i was struggling with that.
it wasn't a constant battle, just something that i was thinking about that day at the beach.
i just missed having people around to go to any time i wanted or needed.
so let me just tell you how good God is.
today i had two performances.
both had small audiences but i had fun nonetheless.
so we have a meet and greet after every show where i stand outside and sign autographs for the kids and get encouraged by the older crowd.
all of a sudden i see my roomates Kristin, Karissa and Rebekah, my friend Katie and Kristin's boyfriend Kevin coming down the steps with flowers in their hand and i start blushing and freaking out because just the day before, they made it seem like they wouldn't be able to make it to the show.
now, im sure to them they were just being the good friends they are and supporting me but to me it meant so much more.
all the loneliness that i was feeling yesterday was crushed and i was reminded of the AMAZING friends God has put in my life. they are truly wonderful and the love of God incarnate.
on my way home from the show i cried just as hard as i did at the beach but for a different reason.
i was reminded of God's love for me.
his amazing love that i shouldn't have to be reminded of.
but a love that he has no problem showing and reminding me of.
i couldn't help but cry because i realized that even if i saw love nowhere else in my life, my friends are the true representation of how much God loves me and that he listens to my prayers and cares about my hurts.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
hard core Jesus
i really need some church.
like big time.
i mean i have the church i've gone to for most of my life, but it doesn't have a college/young adult's group and that's kinda where im at right now.
i need some hard hitting Jesus fellowship.
the church i was going to when i was away at school was amazing and just what i needed and now i have to look again.
ugh.
church finding is just about as fun of a process as jeans shopping.
boo...
like big time.
i mean i have the church i've gone to for most of my life, but it doesn't have a college/young adult's group and that's kinda where im at right now.
i need some hard hitting Jesus fellowship.
the church i was going to when i was away at school was amazing and just what i needed and now i have to look again.
ugh.
church finding is just about as fun of a process as jeans shopping.
boo...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
a talent that is not my own.
i have an extremely talented friend named kelsi.
i haven't talked to her in a billion years but since i've known her she's always been really into poetry.
recently i read this poem and i was like my daaaaang!
so i for sure need to share it with y'all.
it's called:
You Bring Out the Black in Me by Kelsi Sarno
--good right? she's freaking amazing.
i haven't talked to her in a billion years but since i've known her she's always been really into poetry.
recently i read this poem and i was like my daaaaang!
so i for sure need to share it with y'all.
it's called:
You Bring Out the Black in Me by Kelsi Sarno
You bring out the black in me.
The soft mocha skin.
The mahogany eyes.
The strong back.
The mystery.
The faith.
The history.
You are the one I’d take a
lashing for.
The one I’d lead through my
underground railroad.
And the one
I’d wade in the water with.
You see the Kool-Aid in me.
The grits and greens in me.
The breaking a comb, nappy hair in me.
The Popeyes in me.
The hourglass curves in me.
The black eyed peas and sweet potatoes in me.
The junk.. in the trunk in me.
The emancipation in me.
The civil war in me.
The drive to overcome in me.
The belief in me.
The are you a basketball player in me?
The hip-hop in me.
The blues in me.
The trumpets, saxophones and pianos in me.
The Ray Charles in me.
The soul in me.
You paint the passion in me.
Only you, only you.
You respect the Raisin In The Sun in me.
The black panther in me.
The “I Have A Dream” in me.
The Rosa Parks, trying to get home from work in me.
The Truth, like Sojourner in me.
The revolution in me.
The rivers Mr. Hughes followed in me.
The Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner in me.
The Glory,
And the To Sir, With Love in me.
You bring out the cracker-nigger in me.
Because you know I don’t care..
The title makes me stronger.
The “politically correct,” African-American in me.
The white-washed, stereotypical, agitator in me.
You love the dreamer in me.
The motivation to succeed in me.
The hope in me.
You believe in the vitality in me.
The work ethic in me.
The hustle in me.
The Color Purple in me.
The urban, rugged, street in me.
The ghetto in me.
The rhythm and flow in me.
The culture in me.
The game of Kobe Bryant in me.
The dancing of Michael Jackson in me.
The fist in the air, black power in me.
But once,
You forced the pride out of me.
The struggle in me.
The ebonics speaking,
Laboring, slave in me.
The voyage of the Amistad in me.
The inferno summers.
The sweet sweat in me.
The bare back.
The scars.
The battered cow-hide flesh in me.
The misery.
The pity in me.
The disgust.
The inferiority in me.
The riots.
The slave-trade of talent in me.
The fear, that soon turned to courage in me.
Finally, you met the real me.
The fight in me,
The Muhammad Ali in me.
The humor in me.
The cool, calm, and collected,
Denzel Washington in me.
The writer and the poet in me.
The Nikki Giovanni in me.
The intelligence.
The communicator.
The Oprah in me.
The desire in me.
The sexy, Beyonce in me.
The strength in me.
The actress in me.
The Rosario Dawson in me.
The speed of Jesse Owens in me.
The fire of Malcolm X in me.
The Harlem Renaissance romantic in me.
The innovation of Sidney Poitier in me.
The compassion of Martin Luther King Jr. in me.
You are what makes me,
Me.
I’ll follow you to safety,
If you end my hardship.
I’ll follow you to the future.
If you remember my past.
If you let me,
I’ll follow you to freedom.
Freedom at last,
Freedom at last.
--good right? she's freaking amazing.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
"Only those who dare to fail greatly can achieve greatly." -Robert F. Kennedy
first things first.
my friend told me about this amazing play called The Last Five Years and i am so blown away by the brilliance and authenticity of the music that i can't stop thinking about it.
every time i get in the car i start the same song called "See, I'm Smiling".
it's so well thought out in every way possible.
in the song she has an argument with her husband but you only hear her side and it's so brilliantly written that you can imagine exactly what he's saying to her.
it's just awe inspiring and i would LOVE to be able to actually see the show.
now for the nitty gritty.
so yesterday i auditioned for Cabrillo Music Theatre's production of Little Shop of Horrors.
i didn't really know what to expect because i had never auditioned there before and mostly because I'm still pretty new to the performing aspect of theatre.
anyway, i get to the audition, sign in, fill out the forms and do all the biznaz that i have to do.
no big deal.
then all of a sudden , like 5 beautiful, older, black women come in and start filling out their stuff and i realize that all of them have agents, nice head shots and extremely lengthy resumes.
already I'm intimidated.
(oh and i knew this was kind of a long shot before i even got to the audition because they were offering two admittances into AEA and it was for pay so...yeah)
finally I'm on deck waiting as the girl before me auditions.
i hear her start to sing and i just start cracking up.
not because she was bad...no.
but rather because as soon as she started singing i realized i was in WAY over my head and i knew there was NO WAY they would even have me back for callbacks.
so it was cool...because i knew that this was now just practice.
anyway-i go in there the accompanist starts playing (which i almost just didn't even sing because he was SO good and kinda hot too)
i forgot some of the words and they had to help me and at one point i felt like they almost felt sorry for me like those people on american idol who think they're good when in reality they're horrible.
so it was over. he said thanks and that they'd be making their decision within the next two days which is theatre code for "we don't wanna hurt your feelings so nice try but yeah right".
i walked out feeling a little disappointed that i had chosen a song so out of my range but knowing that it wouldn't have mattered.
on my drive home i pretended like cameras were following me and that i had just been denied on american idol and i did a little speech and that was fun (because i like to pretend even when I'm by myself-which i think makes me a better actress but whatevs.)
then all of a sudden a MILLION doubts started flooding my mind.
doubts like: i really CAN'T sing and I'll never make it. i started thinking that i wasn't good at ANYTHING. I'm a mediocre singer and dancer and maybe i think I'm a good actress simply because i haven't tried it professionally and have therefore not been rejected.
so many things came to mind some true some straight from the pit of hell.
that's when i realized something that i think is actually extremely helpful.
the feeling of disappointment will never go away as long as i live.
i will get rejected from things FOREVER and i can't keep the hurt from coming.
i also know that the doubts will always come after rejection.
it was so interesting how quickly they came.
after months of my director telling me that i would be great in another show she's doing and my dance teacher giving me more difficult tasks because she thinks i can dance and all the building of an ego that can happen, as soon as i got one rejection, i felt like i sucked at EVERYTHING.
i mean everything.
i started attacking my intelligence and things that are completely irrelevant to the acting profession, you know what i mean.
i know it's cheesy but
michael jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
walt disney was fired from a newspaper because he lacked imagination and good ideas.
lucille ball was told to try any other profession EXCEPT for acting.
anyway, i realized that after those doubts come, as long as I'm able to jump from the pain and hurt and realize that only growth can happen from there, I'm golden.
my friend told me about this amazing play called The Last Five Years and i am so blown away by the brilliance and authenticity of the music that i can't stop thinking about it.
every time i get in the car i start the same song called "See, I'm Smiling".
it's so well thought out in every way possible.
in the song she has an argument with her husband but you only hear her side and it's so brilliantly written that you can imagine exactly what he's saying to her.
it's just awe inspiring and i would LOVE to be able to actually see the show.
now for the nitty gritty.
so yesterday i auditioned for Cabrillo Music Theatre's production of Little Shop of Horrors.
i didn't really know what to expect because i had never auditioned there before and mostly because I'm still pretty new to the performing aspect of theatre.
anyway, i get to the audition, sign in, fill out the forms and do all the biznaz that i have to do.
no big deal.
then all of a sudden , like 5 beautiful, older, black women come in and start filling out their stuff and i realize that all of them have agents, nice head shots and extremely lengthy resumes.
already I'm intimidated.
(oh and i knew this was kind of a long shot before i even got to the audition because they were offering two admittances into AEA and it was for pay so...yeah)
finally I'm on deck waiting as the girl before me auditions.
i hear her start to sing and i just start cracking up.
not because she was bad...no.
but rather because as soon as she started singing i realized i was in WAY over my head and i knew there was NO WAY they would even have me back for callbacks.
so it was cool...because i knew that this was now just practice.
anyway-i go in there the accompanist starts playing (which i almost just didn't even sing because he was SO good and kinda hot too)
i forgot some of the words and they had to help me and at one point i felt like they almost felt sorry for me like those people on american idol who think they're good when in reality they're horrible.
so it was over. he said thanks and that they'd be making their decision within the next two days which is theatre code for "we don't wanna hurt your feelings so nice try but yeah right".
i walked out feeling a little disappointed that i had chosen a song so out of my range but knowing that it wouldn't have mattered.
on my drive home i pretended like cameras were following me and that i had just been denied on american idol and i did a little speech and that was fun (because i like to pretend even when I'm by myself-which i think makes me a better actress but whatevs.)
then all of a sudden a MILLION doubts started flooding my mind.
doubts like: i really CAN'T sing and I'll never make it. i started thinking that i wasn't good at ANYTHING. I'm a mediocre singer and dancer and maybe i think I'm a good actress simply because i haven't tried it professionally and have therefore not been rejected.
so many things came to mind some true some straight from the pit of hell.
that's when i realized something that i think is actually extremely helpful.
the feeling of disappointment will never go away as long as i live.
i will get rejected from things FOREVER and i can't keep the hurt from coming.
i also know that the doubts will always come after rejection.
it was so interesting how quickly they came.
after months of my director telling me that i would be great in another show she's doing and my dance teacher giving me more difficult tasks because she thinks i can dance and all the building of an ego that can happen, as soon as i got one rejection, i felt like i sucked at EVERYTHING.
i mean everything.
i started attacking my intelligence and things that are completely irrelevant to the acting profession, you know what i mean.
i know it's cheesy but
michael jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
walt disney was fired from a newspaper because he lacked imagination and good ideas.
lucille ball was told to try any other profession EXCEPT for acting.
anyway, i realized that after those doubts come, as long as I'm able to jump from the pain and hurt and realize that only growth can happen from there, I'm golden.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
everything is alright.
these days i like what i see.
these days i'm okay with being me.
i love the way i feel.
i like who i'm becoming.
i love the changes God is making in my life.
everyday a little ounce of confidence is added to my life.
i like it.
i'm ready for the next day to come.
i love the way God has provided for me for the past 21 years.
i know that no matter what, everything happens for a reason.
im okay with being a little afraid.
im glad to have a LIVING God who knows what he's doing.
i absolutely LOVE my family.
i'm going to say it until it happens:
as many things come up in my life to keep me from doing what i love, i think deep down i know that acting is my thing.
it's gonna happen for me.
it's what i was made to do.
these days i'm okay with being me.
i love the way i feel.
i like who i'm becoming.
i love the changes God is making in my life.
everyday a little ounce of confidence is added to my life.
i like it.
i'm ready for the next day to come.
i love the way God has provided for me for the past 21 years.
i know that no matter what, everything happens for a reason.
im okay with being a little afraid.
im glad to have a LIVING God who knows what he's doing.
i absolutely LOVE my family.
i'm going to say it until it happens:
as many things come up in my life to keep me from doing what i love, i think deep down i know that acting is my thing.
it's gonna happen for me.
it's what i was made to do.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
i don't want to spend my life jaded
oh dear.
i know, i know.
it's valentine's day and everyone is going to be blogging about love.
(or hopefully they aren't blogging and rather they're out showing love but whatever).
sooo yesterday i saw Valentine's Day and today I saw Dear John.
two of the worst movies to see if you're single around V-Day.
but for me it really wasn't that bad.
this year i'm so not worried about my singleness or anything.
dear john definitely left me feeling kind of jaded and Valentine's Day reminded me of how Hollywood is what screwed me over in the first place.
Gosh, i remember in the beginning of Dear John thinking about how i wanted a love that was simple. I just want it to be. (and somewhere inside of me sort of wants a guy that has that sort of tortured soul that only I can understand and we really "get" each other but ew...that's so hollywood).
everything about it was just another reminder of the love that we want.
the thing is this time, i recognized the falsehood and fluffery of the movie.
i was able to pick out so many things that i've grown up thinking but now know aren't real.
which made me think, have i become so jaded towards love that i've given up on fairytale romance?
part of me is glad that's happened but the other part of me still wants that hope.
still wants the possibility of having a love that "beats the odds".
i don't know a lot of things and i sure as heck don't know much about love.
all i can go off of is the unconditional love of my savior.
and that exists.
and it's everlasting.
and it's kinda fairytale in it's own way.
maybe there's still hope for me.
i know, i know.
it's valentine's day and everyone is going to be blogging about love.
(or hopefully they aren't blogging and rather they're out showing love but whatever).
sooo yesterday i saw Valentine's Day and today I saw Dear John.
two of the worst movies to see if you're single around V-Day.
but for me it really wasn't that bad.
this year i'm so not worried about my singleness or anything.
dear john definitely left me feeling kind of jaded and Valentine's Day reminded me of how Hollywood is what screwed me over in the first place.
Gosh, i remember in the beginning of Dear John thinking about how i wanted a love that was simple. I just want it to be. (and somewhere inside of me sort of wants a guy that has that sort of tortured soul that only I can understand and we really "get" each other but ew...that's so hollywood).
everything about it was just another reminder of the love that we want.
the thing is this time, i recognized the falsehood and fluffery of the movie.
i was able to pick out so many things that i've grown up thinking but now know aren't real.
which made me think, have i become so jaded towards love that i've given up on fairytale romance?
part of me is glad that's happened but the other part of me still wants that hope.
still wants the possibility of having a love that "beats the odds".
i don't know a lot of things and i sure as heck don't know much about love.
all i can go off of is the unconditional love of my savior.
and that exists.
and it's everlasting.
and it's kinda fairytale in it's own way.
maybe there's still hope for me.
Friday, February 12, 2010
learning to breathe
as i was driving home from an insane practice tonight, i was reminded of God's immense faithfulness.
he's done some serious provision for me and I'm so thankful.
we had a pickup rehearsal tonight for the show and it was crazy.
it was nice though to see everyone after a week of nothing.
i love being around them because it reminds me of how i was in high school.
i love how all of the kids talk about what's going on in their lives and i can relate and reassure them that things always get better.
it's weird because high school seriously seems like the biggest deal when you're in it but I've come to realize (as most everyone does) that it's just a phase.
everything in high school fades and none of it matters after. absolutely none of it.
i lost 9 pounds! I'm ecstatic because I'm really working for this and I've been really good.
my dad brought home a whole cheesecake tonight though. a freakin Kahlua cheesecake.
but I'm resisting. i just want him to finish it so i don't have to see it anymore. HA!
I'm auditioning for Little Shop of Horrors on Wednesday and I'm really nervous.
it's a paid show so already there's a LOT of pressure on it as well as the fact that they had to add another audition date because so many people signed up.
it seems like a long shot because i don't have that great of a voice so I'm not sure about it.
but if i did get the part, i know i would work extremely hard and soak up every minute of it.
i visited my friends this weekend and stayed the night at my old house.
it was so great just being able to hang out and laugh like we used to and be crazy like we used to.
i miss just being around them without having to plan it.
there are a lot of things that i definitely do NOT miss though and at this point, i really think that living at home outweighs being there. as much as i love my friends, there are certain people that i very obviously learned to "put up with" for the sake of a living situation but when it really comes down to friendship, i wouldn't be devastated if it were over.
i know that's sad to say but it's true and i think recognizing it is stronger than leaving it be.
but that's another blog for another time.
all in all it was a really needed, fun time.
anyway...things are going really well for me right now and I'm praising God for every last bit of it.
he's done some serious provision for me and I'm so thankful.
we had a pickup rehearsal tonight for the show and it was crazy.
it was nice though to see everyone after a week of nothing.
i love being around them because it reminds me of how i was in high school.
i love how all of the kids talk about what's going on in their lives and i can relate and reassure them that things always get better.
it's weird because high school seriously seems like the biggest deal when you're in it but I've come to realize (as most everyone does) that it's just a phase.
everything in high school fades and none of it matters after. absolutely none of it.
i lost 9 pounds! I'm ecstatic because I'm really working for this and I've been really good.
my dad brought home a whole cheesecake tonight though. a freakin Kahlua cheesecake.
but I'm resisting. i just want him to finish it so i don't have to see it anymore. HA!
I'm auditioning for Little Shop of Horrors on Wednesday and I'm really nervous.
it's a paid show so already there's a LOT of pressure on it as well as the fact that they had to add another audition date because so many people signed up.
it seems like a long shot because i don't have that great of a voice so I'm not sure about it.
but if i did get the part, i know i would work extremely hard and soak up every minute of it.
i visited my friends this weekend and stayed the night at my old house.
it was so great just being able to hang out and laugh like we used to and be crazy like we used to.
i miss just being around them without having to plan it.
there are a lot of things that i definitely do NOT miss though and at this point, i really think that living at home outweighs being there. as much as i love my friends, there are certain people that i very obviously learned to "put up with" for the sake of a living situation but when it really comes down to friendship, i wouldn't be devastated if it were over.
i know that's sad to say but it's true and i think recognizing it is stronger than leaving it be.
but that's another blog for another time.
all in all it was a really needed, fun time.
anyway...things are going really well for me right now and I'm praising God for every last bit of it.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
so irrelevant
gosh. i don't want these kinds of things to clog up my blog and i am in no way an entertainment blogger but i feel like i need to get this out.
today there has been so much criticism of my beloved John Mayer.
while i am a huge fan of his music and think he's hilariously funny, i do not doubt nor deny that he may in fact be a douche bag.
BUT...i feel the same way about John Mayer that i do about Kanye West (aside from his voice giving me the chills when he sings).
i feel bad for both of them.
i don't think that they think before they say things.
they're honest people that have the platform to say what's on their mind.
unfortunately, if they were just normal people, they wouldn't have any friends. (except for maybe each other).
i am in no way condoning John Mayer or Kanye West's actions but what i think they really need is help.
not like rehab help, more like love help.
it doesn't seem like they have real people in their lives loving them for who they really are (aside from famous douche bags).
it just hurts me when i see people like that. people that are trying so hard to rise above criticism and be who they are regardless usually end up in total fallout.
one guy who i think is purposefully hurtful...PEREZ HILTON.
i'm grossed out just by seeing his name on my blog.
but for real-he writes things about people that are completely insensitive for the purpose of making that person look like a complete idiot. he breaks people and i think he's the real problem.
Kanye West, John Mayer-they're harmless because the things THEY say mostly make themselves look ridiculous.
but Perez-ugh.
i guess he needs some love too...
today there has been so much criticism of my beloved John Mayer.
while i am a huge fan of his music and think he's hilariously funny, i do not doubt nor deny that he may in fact be a douche bag.
BUT...i feel the same way about John Mayer that i do about Kanye West (aside from his voice giving me the chills when he sings).
i feel bad for both of them.
i don't think that they think before they say things.
they're honest people that have the platform to say what's on their mind.
unfortunately, if they were just normal people, they wouldn't have any friends. (except for maybe each other).
i am in no way condoning John Mayer or Kanye West's actions but what i think they really need is help.
not like rehab help, more like love help.
it doesn't seem like they have real people in their lives loving them for who they really are (aside from famous douche bags).
it just hurts me when i see people like that. people that are trying so hard to rise above criticism and be who they are regardless usually end up in total fallout.
one guy who i think is purposefully hurtful...PEREZ HILTON.
i'm grossed out just by seeing his name on my blog.
but for real-he writes things about people that are completely insensitive for the purpose of making that person look like a complete idiot. he breaks people and i think he's the real problem.
Kanye West, John Mayer-they're harmless because the things THEY say mostly make themselves look ridiculous.
but Perez-ugh.
i guess he needs some love too...
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
questionable.
hello february 9, 2010.
wow.
i can't believe i'm putting this on my blog.
but i really want to do this.
i'm going to lose weight.
i'm gonna try to keep up with the peeps on celebrity fit club and lose 3 pounds by next week and ultimately 35 pounds in 8 weeks.
this is gonna be hard because food has had some serious control over me.
but not anymore.
i'm relinquishing control and giving it up to God and making this decision.
things are getting real right now. my life needs to change starting now.
starting today.
JESUS, HELP ME.
wow.
i can't believe i'm putting this on my blog.
but i really want to do this.
i'm going to lose weight.
i'm gonna try to keep up with the peeps on celebrity fit club and lose 3 pounds by next week and ultimately 35 pounds in 8 weeks.
this is gonna be hard because food has had some serious control over me.
but not anymore.
i'm relinquishing control and giving it up to God and making this decision.
things are getting real right now. my life needs to change starting now.
starting today.
JESUS, HELP ME.
Monday, February 1, 2010
i've gotta do this
im sitting with two my best friends talking about life.
bad news about ex-boyfriends have come into play and some severe boy bashing has begun.
i've been here before.
it feels like i've been broken up with a thousand times. (not literally, but every time one of my friends gets dumped, i feel the pain of their breakup too).
every part of this makes me feel like there is no necessity of ever being with someone.
the hurt i watch my friends go through is enough to make me never believe in love.
to never want anything of the sort because all it does is lead to hurt.
i'm not cynical though.
i swear im not.
okay, so maybe i am a little cynical but you have to understand that by being constantly reminded of how hurtful love is, i kind of have a right to be cynical.
it's logical. it just MAKES SENSE.
anyway...that needed to be said.
i'm sure things will change soon.
it's just the moment...
bad news about ex-boyfriends have come into play and some severe boy bashing has begun.
i've been here before.
it feels like i've been broken up with a thousand times. (not literally, but every time one of my friends gets dumped, i feel the pain of their breakup too).
every part of this makes me feel like there is no necessity of ever being with someone.
the hurt i watch my friends go through is enough to make me never believe in love.
to never want anything of the sort because all it does is lead to hurt.
i'm not cynical though.
i swear im not.
okay, so maybe i am a little cynical but you have to understand that by being constantly reminded of how hurtful love is, i kind of have a right to be cynical.
it's logical. it just MAKES SENSE.
anyway...that needed to be said.
i'm sure things will change soon.
it's just the moment...
Friday, January 29, 2010
geeeeze.
oh dear.
my blog has been the victim of neglect.
i sincerely apologize.
everyday i tell myself that i am going to make time, in the midst of craziness, to blog.
yet somehow, life keeps popping up making it impossible to get a good thought out.
it will happen though.
once opening night comes for the show, the week will be less busy and i'll make time for you.
promise.
my blog has been the victim of neglect.
i sincerely apologize.
everyday i tell myself that i am going to make time, in the midst of craziness, to blog.
yet somehow, life keeps popping up making it impossible to get a good thought out.
it will happen though.
once opening night comes for the show, the week will be less busy and i'll make time for you.
promise.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
i'm talking bout hey now!
gosh, i've been meaning to blog about how this is a new year and i'm all excited for it.
i wanted to write and publish it on the 1st of January because it seemed appropriate.
obviously that didn't happen and here i am.
it's the 11th of january and i've already written a blog completely unrelated to the new year.
well, better late than never, i suppose.
i'm going to start with this.
i started writing a "New Year's Day" blog (like using pen and paper...old school, i know) because, like i said, i had a plan. so here's what i had written:
It's New Years Day. January 1, 2010. I've known for the last 3 weeks that I was going to write a new year's blog- i just didn't know what i was going to say. my new year's eve was actually really great and i think it was very predictive about what my 2010 is going to be about. I began my new year by praising God. I went to church with some friends and felt the presence of God so much.
That's as far as i got.
This excites me in so many ways.
The aspirations i set for myself are never too big to attain. I want them to be reachable but difficult. Looking at the things i wrote makes me extremely proud of "10 days ago me".
I have begun a journey of tremendous growth and maturity that i don't want to end.
That's really all i have to say about that.
i'm just so very excited for 2010 and i know that there are so many great things to come.
i wanted to write and publish it on the 1st of January because it seemed appropriate.
obviously that didn't happen and here i am.
it's the 11th of january and i've already written a blog completely unrelated to the new year.
well, better late than never, i suppose.
i'm going to start with this.
i started writing a "New Year's Day" blog (like using pen and paper...old school, i know) because, like i said, i had a plan. so here's what i had written:
It's New Years Day. January 1, 2010. I've known for the last 3 weeks that I was going to write a new year's blog- i just didn't know what i was going to say. my new year's eve was actually really great and i think it was very predictive about what my 2010 is going to be about. I began my new year by praising God. I went to church with some friends and felt the presence of God so much.
That's as far as i got.
This excites me in so many ways.
The aspirations i set for myself are never too big to attain. I want them to be reachable but difficult. Looking at the things i wrote makes me extremely proud of "10 days ago me".
I have begun a journey of tremendous growth and maturity that i don't want to end.
That's really all i have to say about that.
i'm just so very excited for 2010 and i know that there are so many great things to come.
Monday, January 4, 2010
let that be enough
I do my best thinking when i'm in my car driving on a long, empty road with nothing but my music playing.
I love putting my ipod on shuffle because for some reason it always chooses a song i would never choose but is a song that i need to hear.
If you don't know me, or haven't noticed, i am a FIRM believer in the power of music.
I think there is something compelling and influential about music that really can't be explained.
so today's lesson comes from when i was driving home from rehearsal.
my ipod chose switchfoot's Let That Be Enough.
Now, don't get me wrong, I like Switchfoot, but i went through an obsessed phase and am now out of it so it's not usually that appealing to me, and the majority of the time they come up on my shuffle, i usually just shuffle right on past the song.
but this time was different, i saw the title and was like, "i might need to hear this song".
I DID.
the song spoke to me in a way that really just made me want to start weeping (but i was driving and my weeping is really messy and not good while driving :D).
these are the lyrics:
wish i had what i needed
to be on my own
cuz i feel so defeated
and im feeling alone
and it all seems so helpless
and i have no plans
im a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land
and all i see it could never make me happy
and all my sandcastles spend their tiume collapsing.
let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me
and let that be enough
its my birthday tomorrrow
no one here could know
i was born this thursday
22 years ago
and i feel stuck watching history repeating
and who am i just a kid who knows he's needing
let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
le t me know that you love me
and let that be enough
let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me
and let that be enough
so many things in that song directly relate to what i'm going through right now.
but the most important part that i want to focus on is when he says "let me know that you love me and let that be enough"
i know that for me, i'm constantly crying out to God saying things like that.
asking him to show me his love.
telling him to let me know that my prayers aren't falling on deaf ears.
longing for him to wrap his loving arms around me and let me know he's there.
the problem is, once i get those things, i still want more.
i want answered prayers, i want instant changes, i want tangible evidence that these things are actually happening but if i would just let knowing that he hears me, touches me, and loves me, be enough, i wouldn't need all that other stuff.
His love is sufficient for me (yeah, i know that's not how it goes-but it's still true) and not with a grip of add-ons.
Kids, this week is going to be spent working on letting God be enough for me.
hold me to it.
anyway...i can already foresee a lot of complaining in my future but i will eventually get to a point where i won't do it anymore.
it's weird, i already know a lot of things that i don't know. you can quote me on that :D
I love putting my ipod on shuffle because for some reason it always chooses a song i would never choose but is a song that i need to hear.
If you don't know me, or haven't noticed, i am a FIRM believer in the power of music.
I think there is something compelling and influential about music that really can't be explained.
so today's lesson comes from when i was driving home from rehearsal.
my ipod chose switchfoot's Let That Be Enough.
Now, don't get me wrong, I like Switchfoot, but i went through an obsessed phase and am now out of it so it's not usually that appealing to me, and the majority of the time they come up on my shuffle, i usually just shuffle right on past the song.
but this time was different, i saw the title and was like, "i might need to hear this song".
I DID.
the song spoke to me in a way that really just made me want to start weeping (but i was driving and my weeping is really messy and not good while driving :D).
these are the lyrics:
wish i had what i needed
to be on my own
cuz i feel so defeated
and im feeling alone
and it all seems so helpless
and i have no plans
im a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land
and all i see it could never make me happy
and all my sandcastles spend their tiume collapsing.
let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me
and let that be enough
its my birthday tomorrrow
no one here could know
i was born this thursday
22 years ago
and i feel stuck watching history repeating
and who am i just a kid who knows he's needing
let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
le t me know that you love me
and let that be enough
let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me
and let that be enough
so many things in that song directly relate to what i'm going through right now.
but the most important part that i want to focus on is when he says "let me know that you love me and let that be enough"
i know that for me, i'm constantly crying out to God saying things like that.
asking him to show me his love.
telling him to let me know that my prayers aren't falling on deaf ears.
longing for him to wrap his loving arms around me and let me know he's there.
the problem is, once i get those things, i still want more.
i want answered prayers, i want instant changes, i want tangible evidence that these things are actually happening but if i would just let knowing that he hears me, touches me, and loves me, be enough, i wouldn't need all that other stuff.
His love is sufficient for me (yeah, i know that's not how it goes-but it's still true) and not with a grip of add-ons.
Kids, this week is going to be spent working on letting God be enough for me.
hold me to it.
anyway...i can already foresee a lot of complaining in my future but i will eventually get to a point where i won't do it anymore.
it's weird, i already know a lot of things that i don't know. you can quote me on that :D
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