...his grace is sufficient for me.

This is a little diddy I just wrote and posted on tumblr. Enjoy.

___________________________

I'm a screw up; a royal mess maker.

I am selfish, prideful, and have a bad attitude.

I do dumb things, i make rude comments and i think hateful thoughts.

I let my flesh take over, i ignore what is right and i indulge in negativity.

I am unlovable, intolerable and despicable.

I am imperfect beyond belief. I am CRAP.

⁸ "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Selah.

No seriously, think about it.

I am of NO USE to God. I could not be more flawed, yet Christ chose to die to save my insignificant, imperfect, unnecessary life.

WEEPING. literally every time i read that verse.

There is something I'm really good at. I am amazing at beating myself up for all the things i do wrong. I can honestly say, at the end of the day, I am my biggest critic. I can flaunt and act arrogant as if i could give two flying sh*ts about what mistakes I make or what people think about me but the truth is, i die inside. I carry ridiculous weights of guilt, doubt, insecurity and shame with me. Now, this is not to minimize the struggle of anyone else or to say that I am the only one who "deals with" whatever, but I am saying I am flawed and know it.

Do not misread this as a pity party or feel worried about my state of mind. For there is something in me that is stronger than any load I may carry.

⁹But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12

My skills and abilities are not enough. My faith and belief are not enough. My good deeds are not enough.

NOTHING I DO IS ENOUGH.

The only thing that is ENOUGH is God's grace. By God's grace I am free, forgiven and made flawless, that is, perfect. Only in Him can I boast.

Paul wrote 2 Corinthians. Yes, Paul who preached the gospel to millions. Paul who raised up influential leaders. (And yes, Paul, who pre-salvation dedicated his life to the demise of Christians). PAUL, said his WEAKNESS was his strength. Not his encounters with God, not all the time he spent preaching the word, and not his power or influence. He had no reason to brag on how great he was because he would literally be nothing without God's grace.

Holy crap. That's what I am.

Crap made holy by the grace of God himself.

I am weak and praise God I am because his power may rest on me and make me whole.

Jesus told me, his grace is sufficient for me.

gotta get back.

Where are my original thoughts?
Why are my posts lists of things i love or hate?
Where's the honesty and realness this blog used to posess?
So what if my writing sucked; this blog is for feelings, creativity and openness.
Where are my feelings?
Where is my creativity?
Where is the openness?

I'm gonna try to get back to that.
I'm better when I'm vulnerable.

OBSESSIONS.

The ukulele.

There's a huge part of me that just feels like leaving my old life behind, moving to Hawaii and starting over as an island girl. Until I'm able to do that, Hawaiian music will have to tide me over which is why I've been listening to a lot of Hawaiian music lately. There's just something so soothing about the ukulele. It makes me think of better days (which I'm assuming is still to come) and I feel like if I learn it, I'll be more successful at my island girl ways.

 

Local musicians.

You guys, I am totally serious about this right now. I've always wanted to be that girl that like, lives in a tiny little apartment downtown above a small boutique or coffee shop and spends all her time writing and playing music with random neighbors who live in the tiny apartment next door. Unfortunately, I chose the stupid route of college and now have to work an 8-5 job to pay off my student loans. Local musicians though, and especially the ones in Ventura actually are living out this fantasy of mine. I've been spending a lot of time watching Ventura musicians on youtube and have been going to the local coffeehouse that has live local music (Zoey's-my serious new favorite spot). I feel so cool being there and so inspired (and slightly jealous) of these people that get to spend their time doing what I love. 

Here's a local musician that I'm totally vibing with right now.

Jade Hendrix.

 

 

the double standard (that no one cares about)

This is a list of things a guy can do and still be hot; and things that if a girl did, there would be judgmental and disgusted eyes directed at her.

Pour a bag of chips(or anything from a bag for that matter) into his mouth. The amount of times I've seen this done is a little bit disappointing. Is it so difficult to put your hand inside the bag as opposed to tipping the bottom and pouring CRUMBS down your gluttonous gullet? Honestly, if you can't pick the pieces up using your hands, are they really worth the effort to eat? I'm sorry, I'm being dramatic. But take a walk with me down imagination lane, and picture Reese Witherspoon (freakin' "girl next door") gobbling a bag of family sized, French Onion flavored Fritos (I LOVE ALLITERATION!) with the bottom up with only 3/4 of the crumbs actually making it into her mouth? You think it's sexy? You're gross! Oh...you think it's gross? Oh okay, you're normal. Well, one of the male DA's at work did this and we made eye contact after he did it. I lost ZERO respect for him and I still think he's hot.

Scratch inappropriate areas. By inappropriate, I mean anywhere a modest bikini would cover (except for, like, the shoulders and back...I'm not a communist-idk.) I hope I don't have to explain this one too in depth. Men, on NATIONAL TELEVISION, itch, scratch, pick and tug inappropriately all the time! They know they're being watched and they simply don't care. Not only that, BUT WE WATCH THEM! Why is there no ridicule for these shameless actions? Because they're men. God forbid Ana Kournikova scratch or itch somewhere and get caught on camera! That business would be all up on TMZ with some witty slash rude headline that creatively combines her name with the word nasty ( Kourniko-nasty? Nope. Whatever. Shut up! I'm not TMZ!).

Spit. This might be the most disgusting thing in the entire world. I don't know many women who don't think the same thing, therefore, making me so confused as to why guys still do it! Athletes are always hawking loogies (I literally just gagged even typing out that phrase) and today on y lunch break, some guy just spit on the sidewalk mid-stride and just kept walking! NO! Absolutely not. I dare Beyonce to spit and strut, although, she is Queen B and she can do most anything and still be amazing, spitting is where I draw the line. Not only is Beyonce too classy for spit, (she probably doesn't have salivary glands; is that a thing?) but if anyone were to ever witness such a horrible act, she would be Beyonc-EW (that one was better, yeah?).

Anyway, its a double standard. I'm still deciding if it's a double standard that I care to change or not because let's face it, I'm not all that interested in spitting or adjusting or anything else boys do that's so gross. Nevertheless it needed to be brought to someone's attention.

I know it's weird but...

I'm the 4th weirdest person I know (the other 3 are some of my old college roommates). I do A LOT of weird things, particularly when I'm alone (you know, to keep other people from knowing how weird I ACTUALLY am). In speaking to a coworker, I've found out that I'm not as weird as I think I am. Well okay, actually I'm still weird but I found out she's just as weird because she's done some of the same things. Anyway, I've decided, against my better judgment, to share some of the weird things I do. Try to relate, if you can't, at least try not to judge.
I know it's weird but...

...I pretend I'm blind to see how well my other senses work. This is actually kind of practical, really. What happens if I, in some freak accident, lost my sight. Guess who would know how to get from the front door of my apartment to the bathroom in my apartment...THIS GIRL! Honestly, the only reason I consider this weird is because of the look my supervisor gave me when she caught me twice in one day trying to blindly navigate my way from the hallway to the restroom.

...When I'm driving and a sad song comes on, I pretend to be in a music video. There's a lot of pondering looks out the window and plenty of "fighting back tears" looks; I've gotten really good at it.

...I like to talk in a British accent to strangers. This comes as no surprise if you know me AT ALL. I kind of do it all the time, even to people who aren't strangers. Like maybe too much. Okay I probably should cut back on the accent. Sorry guys.

...I haven't done this in awhile but when I have a jam session at home by myself, I'll act as though I'm putting on a concert (yes, to a non-existent audience). They love me.

...If i come home to an empty house, I act like I'm in a scary movie. I don't always let this one go too far because sometimes i actually get scared. I guess I'm just that good, so...

...Often times I have like 5 minutes to pack or get ready for something, so as I stuff things into a bag, I constantly look over my shoulder as if waiting for my violent husband to put his hand on my shoulder and ask "where do you think you're going?" i.e. ENOUGH, SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY.

...Pretty much anytime I have to type, I pretend to be entering some secret code to hack into some secret database. Yes, I'm doing this right now, as I type this blog.

...Sometimes in the bathroom (only at my house) I'll pretend to be a guest on a talk show. Of course when I enter the bathroom there's a room full of people clapping and screaming for me and I'm waving and blowing kisses to the audience (I'm contemplating not putting this in here because it's so embarrassing). And obviously in this "pretending" I have a new movie coming out that of course already has Oscar buzz but I remain humble and am just " so happy to be apart of such an inspiring and amazing movie and work with such an incredible director with an incomparable vision". Or something like that...

You guys, I'm weird, I know. But at least I'm putting it out there in the open for all to see. Love me or only kind of like me. Your choice.

Let Me Explain

I thought about naming this post "allow me to explain myself" and then i wished that my very first blog were titled "Allow me to introduce myself" all Jay-Z status. Ugh, blog world problems.

FACT: I'm a horrible texter.
I have been told this hundreds of times. I KNOW! I honestly suck at it. Unfortunately, this makes me seem like a bad friend, stupid with technology and an all around terrible person (which I may in fact be without even realizing it). BUT, let me explain.
I feel like it comes down to a few reasons.
For one, when I first got a cellphone (at the ripe old age of 16), I was one of the last of my friends to get one. I only was allowed 30 texts a month and every text after that cost 10 cents. This meant that when my mom got my cellphone bill, if I went over my texts, it was my "12 hours a week at Macy's" money that paid for it. Although, I doubt she ever would have taken the money, it was the threat of knowing that my hard earned $68.50 would be compromised (which would keep me from buying my weekly 3 pairs of 1928 earrings. So it's like a psychological thing. I never wanted to get in trouble.
The one time I DID go over my text limit (and phone minute limit) it was kind of serious. If you know anything about high school students these days, it's that they hate using their mouths for something that can be done with their thumbs (cue immature laughter here. Yes, it's me laughing). But really, high schoolers today, LOVE the art of texting, and it all started when I was in high school. Which brings me to my second belief. One time I did get all crazeballs with texting. As soon as someone text me, I IMMEDIATELY responded. I talked on the phone for hours (to my best friend in Canada, no less -which is NOT covered in free long distance, nights and weekends) and didn't have a care in the world. Then the bill came. My mother took my phone away until I was able to pay for it (I never was, but I eventually got it back-don't tell her) which meant that my first year in college I was cellphone-less. I can not tell you how ridiculous I felt. (I also blame my lack of friendships on that; I had friends, don't trip, I just would have had a million more, let's be real, it's me). It's engrained in me that if I ever over-text, I will lose custody of m phone.
Last but not least, I'm an overthinker. This is the main reason I don't text back. When I get a text, it is placed into one of two categories: answerable and requires thought. If the text is answerable, (i.e. what is your last name, what time are you off work, do you have so and so's phone number?) I will immediately send an answer. These kinds of questions require no thought and do not make me anxious. Texts that require thought, on the other hand, (i.e. questions about my plans, statements that don't always require an answer, anything referring to more than 3 days from the date of the text) make me anxious and put me under pressure to craft the perfect text. I will often find that 2 weeks later, I still have half of a text written that has not been sent. I try to step away from the situation to get away from my "texter's block" and then end up forgetting about it. Usually I text back within the next 2 days but apparently that's not really acceptable.

It all comes down to this. I realize it. I'm working on it. But also it's your fault for making your texts so difficult.
I'M OUT!

2 things I'm OBSESSED with hating.

1. PINTEREST JACKERS
Pinterest is amazing! I didn't realize how creative I am not until I joined this site. That being said, I think it's super cool that people are able to learn how to make things and pretend to be creative (a la me) because of this site. What I CAN'T STAND are people who take funny sayings/realizations off pinterest and post them as their facebook status. There's not much I dislike more than a joke jacker and Pinterest joke jacking may be the worst!
**AH! I'm just realizing now that I never posted my "joke jacking" blog because it was so pretentious sounding (sort of like this post). Anyway, I need to explain that joke jacking isn't just stealing someone's joke. It's stealing someone's joke and taking credit for it, and when people think it's funny, you don't offer the information that you didn't come up with it**

2. JAYRUNNERS
They're just like jaywalkers only they're running and they give you judgmental eyes because they're outside exercising and you are riding in a car. Congratulations Jayrunner, you're healthy and have great endurance. But also, congratulations to me; I just got 500 points for hitting a pedestrian.
use the crosswalk.

So You Want to Date My Brother?

I'm considering becoming an advice columnist because of the success of my Rulebook post and things of the like. What I'm trying to say is basically that people listen to me and I'm awesome. The two may have a bearing on each other's success but that's not what we're here to talk about.
You're here because at some point in time you've seen my younger brother and are now infatuated, or you've met me and just KNEW that if I had a younger brother he'd be awesome and fascinating as well. Well, congratulations because today is your lucky day. This is my brother Jordan.

It's become very apparent that my brother is a hot ticket item as of late and many girls have been vying for his affection and trying to win his heart. Since this is (unfortunately but insanely) true, I have decided to share the secrets of winning his undying love, or at least coming close to maybe getting him to take you seriously.

My brother and I are pretty close, so I have all the inside scoop and trust me, you'll want to take notes. So now, it gives me great pleasure (and by pleasure i mean complete disdain) to give you:

SO YOU WANT TO DATE MY BROTHER?
(6 quick articles on dating my brother)

1. On Jesus: This one is first because it is a NON-NEGOTIABLE. Therefore, if you don't love Jesus, you needn't apply.
2. On bikini pictures posted on facebook. Ladies, here's the deal, if you went to the beach and you took a bunch of pictures with your friends while having fun, I'm all for it. Pictures of fun times might be my favorite thing in the world, next to the sound of babies laughing but if you're posed in front of a mirror wearing nothing but a bikini and a camera flash reflection on your face more than, let's say, three times (I want to say once but I don't want to be too demanding), you're just not right for my brother, says me.
3. On spelling. I'm not asking you to know the spellings of every winning word from the national spelling bee over the last 10 years (would it kill you to look them up though?) I just want to know that you know there are 3 ways to spell there/their/they're and it would be fantastic if you knew when to use them. I'm not asking much, just that you know the basic skills that you would need to graduate from the 5th grade. If you have to type it out in Microsoft Word before you write it out, by all means, DO THAT.
4. On being friends with me: I have to know who you are, like you, and be close enough to you that being friends on facebook wouldn't be weird. But I don't want to know TOO much. So it's likely that if we're already good friends, it won't work out. When you're friends, you know about the bad stuff too. I can be friends with your bad stuff, I just don't want your bad stuff dating my brother.
5. On Halloween costumes: I'm not sure if you know this, but there are levels of slutty, and I, a girl, understand the desire and enjoyment of getting my seductress on for a fun Halloween (at least I used to, I'm reformed now). Still, there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. There are three main areas that are exposed during Halloween, the chest, the middle and the legs. If all 3 are bare, she's too slutty for you bro.
6. On aggression: My brother doesn't (and by that I mean I don't) like girls that are too forward. Plain and simple, being overly aggressive comes off as desperate. You don't have to comment on all his facebook pictures or like all of his statuses. Please. There's nothing I, I mean my brother, hates more than seeing the same little blue name all over, blowing up his facebook.

WARNING: Although none of the accuracy of the advice in this blog has been DIRECTLY given to me by, or even discussed with, my brother, I believe that if used in its entirety, your chances of dating will go from 0 to about 3%.<---That's probably not true either.
GOOD LUCK!

Declarations for a New Year

I was feeling really down today. Defeated and overwhelmed, disqualified and unworthy. So I took a break from work, went outside with a pen and a piece of paper and started writing. Honestly, I have no idea where these thoughts were coming from but it helped so much. I upchucked a whole bunch of thoughts onto a page and began affirming myself without even trying (or really even knowing it). Needless to say, I am proud of those words written. So now I shall allow them to enter an eternal digital existence.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. --Mae West

I'm jealous of all those making their dreams come true. I don't want to force anything to happen but I guess sometimes you do just have to grab the bull by the horns (Thanks Jacob Amaro for reminding me of this last night). I don't want to live a passive life only to find out that everything's passed me by when I have the ability to do something. What I want is to live life largely (Edna: "Be careful what you wish for." -Gosh, I love Hairspray). But really, I just want to do the things I love because I love them, and I don't want to take no for an answer (Unless of course it's a "no" from God).
There's a feeling I have that tells me I was made for so much more than this (the DA's office, Ventura, 23 year old slump). I will not be brought down. I vow that on today, January 13, 2012 (Friday the 13th, no less) that all my decisions will be made out of confidence. Confidence in Jesus, confidence in myself and confidence in the fact that I can do whatever is put before me.
All I am is a girl created by an all powerful God that only wants what's best for me. I cannot put myself down because I have no right to do so. I have no right to put down something that I did not create. I may not put down the work of Christ. If someone puts me down, that's a problem they'll have to take up with my maker.
I choose not to believe anything said about me, except for those words declared by my God. I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. He sings life over me. He has created me for SUCH a time as this and I will not let any of this time be wasted. I'm chosen. He wants me. He chose me. He gifted me to sing. He gave me a passion for people, a passion for the hurting, a passion to worship, a passion to love and be loved. He gave me the knowledge to know that my life will not be average. I will live a victorious, large, insanely beautiful, Jesus filled life.

and I'm thankful for that.