quick status

Well HELLO 6 months time. I haven't written a single thing in 6 months, and for that I am a bit ashamed but I'm here now so you can quit your yammerin.

I'm here to tell you that everything is alright. I'm doing alright. I'm not doing anything much different than I was 6 months ago. There are really no new developments. Sorry to disappoint.

I played my guitar for the first time in a VERY long time. My fingertips are sore but my heart is full. The guitar is still a bit dusty but it's tuned! I can't explain the sheer joy I get from making music; there is something that just clicks with everything in the world when I sing and I just don't get that feeling from anything else. When I sing, nothing else in the world matters. Stress disappears, anger dissipates, worry subsides and it is just me and my guitar/piano/instrumental track/silence and nothing else and it's perfect. There's a release that happens when I'm singing in my "sweet spot" that I can't even explain. Even if I could, I probably wouldn't for fear of sounding too cheesy. I have this secret love for all things cheesy and emotional but an I have an even bigger part of me that is embarrassed by people who put that cheesiness/emotion on display (mostly theatre kids or high school girls who think they're in love) so I'll refrain from the sappiness for the time being.

I realized something the other day that kind of shocked me. I'm afraid of A LOT. That's not what shocked me though, I already knew that. I was surprised that one of those fears includes hanging out with people for the first time one on one. I'm not just talking about romantically, I mean just regular old friendships or anything that includes just me and another person. I'm so afraid that the other person won't think I'm fun! I always feel legitimately uneasy about the first time and then eventually when I do hang out one on one, I just keep talking and act super awkward. I've just noticed it recently and I really hate it. Random and ridiculous, I know but I needed to get it off my chest and into cyberspace.

I have plenty more to share but I'm pretty tired and the old thinker doesn't do to well with exhaustion so I'm going to take my grandma self to bed and hopefully do some more blogging this week. I very much miss this. I'll be back though, I promise.

Goodnight <3>

WRITE IT OUT

I wrote a letter yesterday to myself as if I were to have written in 10 years ago. Some names have been censored to protect the innocent. Enjoy.

February 21, 2003

Dear Future Sabrina,

Teehee. It’s so weird to think that you’re going to be reading this! All I have to say is: you’re so lucky! You’re going to be 25 which means you probably live in your own really cool house and have a really hot husband. Hopefully. I don’t know about the boy department now because I’m more of the friend-girl. I mean, I don’t really care all that much, because I like hanging out with my friends but it would be kind of fun to have a boyfriend. Oh my gosh, it’s freaky to even think about! Whatever, I hope you’re enjoying your life.

Let’s see, what am I up to these days? Well, I’m a freshman in high school, but I’m almost done. I only have one more quarter after this and I’ll finally be out of the bottom. Ugh, oh my gosh, I just thought about the fact that you can DRIVE! How is it? I bet it’s the best. Sometimes I hate having to be dropped off places or even worse, having to take the bus! I hate it! There are NO cute boys to talk to and none of my friends take the bus I take! Stupid R*** and J*** are moving away soon so I won’t even have them to talk to or pretend to talk to. I’ll have to listen to all the crazy kids who, like drink and party, talk about their weekends where all they did was do bad stuff. I don’t do any of that stuff. I really want a “true love waits” purity ring because I’m going to stay a virgin until I’m married, I’m never going to drink or do drugs or smoke or do any of that bad stuff because I love God and I want to be obedient to him.

So what’s your life like? Well obviously you can’t answer me back so I’ll write what I imagine your life to be. I definitely think you, well I, have a really cool life. I’m sure I’m married, maybe pregnant, you have your master’s degree and I am working on becoming the boss for wherever I work. Do I end up marrying S****? I kind of hope so, and I actually feel like we would be perfect for each other. He’s nice and cute and well, he isn’t very nice but he’s nice enough and even though I haven’t seen him in awhile, I think we would work. I’m going to imagine that’s what happened. Sabrina A*****. I always used to write that name in my notebooks so it’s funny (though it makes sense) that that’s the name you (I) end up with. I’m sure I’ve seen Justin Timberlake a million times in concert and he probably fell in love with me because evil Britney Spears broke his heart. Yeah, that probably happened, teehee.

Is Jordan still really annoying? He probably is because I’m pretty sure it’s the purpose of brothers to be annoying to their sisters. I guess I kind of lucked out with my brother though. He’s not as annoying as he could be. He never tries to read my diary or fart on me nor does any gross brother stuff. I am pretty lucky (he’s still annoying though). He’s way better than B*** or S**; maybe not better than L*** or N***. Oh man, N***is so cute, but he’s always at his mom’s house. Dumb.

Anyway, I hope your life, well my life, has turned out exactly the way we’ve always wanted. I know God is in control and whatever I do, as long as I’m obedient, I’ll be doing his will and as long as I do his will, my life will be perfect. Thanks for being you/me. I’ll do my best to make it easier to have a good life when I’m older by doing good stuff now. Love us! Teehee.

Yours (and mine) truly,

Sabrina (well DUH)