today was a great day.
i spent all day in some baggy shorts and a TMZ shirt.
i worked on a song that i came up with last night.
the song changed three different times but the last change gave the song a BLUES-y feel and that's what I'm sticking to.
It felt so great to just be a musician for the day.
I pulled out my guitar a couple times and hammered out some chords and then i would just "tickle the ivories" and sometimes i would just sing as loud as i could-loving the musical beauty that God has given me.
I complain a lot about what musical talents I'm lacking but i truly love music.
it's crazy insane how much music affects me.
thank God for it though.
Matt Giraud has a song called Go On and Sing, Boy and there's a line in it that says:
"let the music bring you joy. cuz i know that down deep i was meant for this one thing. so come on baby why don't you sing?"
Seriously, a message can be brought to us in so many ways and this song just spoke to me the moment i heard it. (and at perfect timing too!)
anyway...I'm working on life. working real hard and i know that down deep i was meant for something great.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
in my head like a song on the radio.
everyday i try to remember that God has given me talents
and it's extremely hard to really understand what those talents are.
people tell me i have a good singing voice but all i can do is compare it to other people who are better than me.
my struggle really lies in using the gifts i have been given.
i know there is some special purpose God has for my gifts and talents and i know he doesn't want to see me letting them go to waste but I'm concerned that what I think are my talents are not necessarily my talents and that I'm overlooking a gift that God wants me to use.
it's really just a constant struggle i suppose.
I often think about how life would be different had one circumstance changed.
For instance, had I not gone to Biola.
or if I had a different roommate.
Or had I more aggressively pursued an acting career.
Sometimes i become engulfed in my potential life that I begin to either praise Jesus that I made the choice i did or become upset that I didn't choose something.
Obviously (if you've been paying attention) I'm more inclined to choose the latter.
I begin to regret decisions or try to make up for them in the "now" but rather than dwelling on the past, i need to look forward.
Only my future can be changed now, and if i walk in a manner worthy, I'm sure the things God has called me to will come to pass.
I'm a little discouraged about the future though.
For the longest, I've wanted to move to New York City after graduation and i had a rough outlined plan of making that happen.
It was exciting because i was hearing all these success stories of my friends moving there and loving being in the city and never really wanting to come back.
BUT lately-
of course, I keep hearing discouraging things about the whole situation.
I don't have a job there and a friend who just moved back to LA said she couldn't find a job so she HAD to come back.
now I'm having trouble seeing this as either a sign or a distraction by the devil to keep me from fulfilling my purpose.
I don't know.
too difficult to decide right now.
Anywho...Christmas was great!
I love seeing my extended family and being around all my cousins and aunts and uncles and random people that come to eat the BEST food that really ever has existed.
I'm also super excited for my new baby:
It's a Casio CDP-100. I have no idea what that means but it makes beautiful music and i LOVE it.
Anyway...I should probably sleep now. I haven't gotten much for the last few days. It's just hard for me to sleep when i feel like i have songs going through my head.
Goodnight my dearies.
and it's extremely hard to really understand what those talents are.
people tell me i have a good singing voice but all i can do is compare it to other people who are better than me.
my struggle really lies in using the gifts i have been given.
i know there is some special purpose God has for my gifts and talents and i know he doesn't want to see me letting them go to waste but I'm concerned that what I think are my talents are not necessarily my talents and that I'm overlooking a gift that God wants me to use.
it's really just a constant struggle i suppose.
I often think about how life would be different had one circumstance changed.
For instance, had I not gone to Biola.
or if I had a different roommate.
Or had I more aggressively pursued an acting career.
Sometimes i become engulfed in my potential life that I begin to either praise Jesus that I made the choice i did or become upset that I didn't choose something.
Obviously (if you've been paying attention) I'm more inclined to choose the latter.
I begin to regret decisions or try to make up for them in the "now" but rather than dwelling on the past, i need to look forward.
Only my future can be changed now, and if i walk in a manner worthy, I'm sure the things God has called me to will come to pass.
I'm a little discouraged about the future though.
For the longest, I've wanted to move to New York City after graduation and i had a rough outlined plan of making that happen.
It was exciting because i was hearing all these success stories of my friends moving there and loving being in the city and never really wanting to come back.
BUT lately-
of course, I keep hearing discouraging things about the whole situation.
I don't have a job there and a friend who just moved back to LA said she couldn't find a job so she HAD to come back.
now I'm having trouble seeing this as either a sign or a distraction by the devil to keep me from fulfilling my purpose.
I don't know.
too difficult to decide right now.
Anywho...Christmas was great!
I love seeing my extended family and being around all my cousins and aunts and uncles and random people that come to eat the BEST food that really ever has existed.
I'm also super excited for my new baby:
It's a Casio CDP-100. I have no idea what that means but it makes beautiful music and i LOVE it.
Anyway...I should probably sleep now. I haven't gotten much for the last few days. It's just hard for me to sleep when i feel like i have songs going through my head.
Goodnight my dearies.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
don't cry for me, argentina.
i really hate how short the last few posts have been but i have something coming.
i promise.
i promise.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.
the time has once again come.
life is hard.
it's a lot easier to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel having just come from "good".
i mean, the good can't last forever but fortunately neither can the bad.
which thankfully i am reminded of.
life is hard.
it's a lot easier to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel having just come from "good".
i mean, the good can't last forever but fortunately neither can the bad.
which thankfully i am reminded of.
Friday, December 11, 2009
this needs to be said
I LOVE GLEE!!!
with honestly everything in me...the show is like everything i could ever dream of.
dramatic, i know. but the show is soooo good.
with honestly everything in me...the show is like everything i could ever dream of.
dramatic, i know. but the show is soooo good.
Monday, December 7, 2009
wanna know a secret?
i pretend to hate the rain. (because i'm from the beach...it's sorta my civil duty).
but secretly...I LOVE IT!
but secretly...I LOVE IT!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
golly gee willickers
excuse me while i take a huge breath and let it out before i start this post.
okay. thanks.
Soooo...i wrote about my anger not too long ago and I'm realizing now that I've been going about things a little wrong.
sure, i realized my anger was affecting the way i handled situations but when it came to apologize, i still felt the need to criticize the way others handled their part in the situation.
Friends, let me tell you, when i get to thinking about how i can be better, it's usually really good but also not good.
it's good because i make a huge realization and come up with a way to change it.
it's not good because...i have to humble myself and change my behavior.
For me, that is NOT easy.
okay so here i am thinking about what I'm going to say to the guy that made me mad yesterday.
and of course I'm going to apologize but also I'm going to make him aware of what he did wrong too so that he, like me, will be able to learn from it and move on as a better person.
here's the problem, it is not my job to let him know what he is doing wrong.
i realize that as a Christian we are called to confront in love, but in my case, i think i would be doing it to keep from being so vulnerable. i wouldn't want to make myself open for judgment or even show that i was wrong.
that is wrong.
so i began thinking about how Jesus would approach this situation, then i remembered that he never needed to apologize because, oh wait...HE WAS PERFECT!
so then I'm like, well in the situation where someone wronged him, he would simply forgive the person.
there were people who wanted him killed in the most excruciating way possible, and he still forgave them.
okay. thanks.
Soooo...i wrote about my anger not too long ago and I'm realizing now that I've been going about things a little wrong.
sure, i realized my anger was affecting the way i handled situations but when it came to apologize, i still felt the need to criticize the way others handled their part in the situation.
Friends, let me tell you, when i get to thinking about how i can be better, it's usually really good but also not good.
it's good because i make a huge realization and come up with a way to change it.
it's not good because...i have to humble myself and change my behavior.
For me, that is NOT easy.
okay so here i am thinking about what I'm going to say to the guy that made me mad yesterday.
and of course I'm going to apologize but also I'm going to make him aware of what he did wrong too so that he, like me, will be able to learn from it and move on as a better person.
here's the problem, it is not my job to let him know what he is doing wrong.
i realize that as a Christian we are called to confront in love, but in my case, i think i would be doing it to keep from being so vulnerable. i wouldn't want to make myself open for judgment or even show that i was wrong.
that is wrong.
so i began thinking about how Jesus would approach this situation, then i remembered that he never needed to apologize because, oh wait...HE WAS PERFECT!
so then I'm like, well in the situation where someone wronged him, he would simply forgive the person.
there were people who wanted him killed in the most excruciating way possible, and he still forgave them.
then i remembered this song by India.Arie called Wings of Forgiveness where she says,"If Jesus can forgive crucifixion, surely I can survive and find a resolution."
ugh.
seriously, sometimes i just wish i could not reflect on things I've done and live a guilt-free life.
unfortunately, i was blessed with a HUGE, overbearing conscience and these wrongs must be righted.
can you hear the motors running in my head trying to come up with an excuse to not love my enemies?
anyway, we'll see how things go but I'm sure things will end up better than they started.
Jesus knows what he's talking about when he tells us to love one another just as God loves us. Eek!
seriously, sometimes i just wish i could not reflect on things I've done and live a guilt-free life.
unfortunately, i was blessed with a HUGE, overbearing conscience and these wrongs must be righted.
can you hear the motors running in my head trying to come up with an excuse to not love my enemies?
anyway, we'll see how things go but I'm sure things will end up better than they started.
Jesus knows what he's talking about when he tells us to love one another just as God loves us. Eek!
musical enhancements
I'm extremely proud of myself.
i finished my first song.
i have so many half-written songs in my journal and on my computer and on random pieces of paper but i finally completed a song.
and to make it even better, i recorded it!
the recording could be better but i feel good about the song.
it's about being hurt by love but still wanting it but also not being sure if it's even worth it to keep putting yourself out there.
i was inspired by one of my roommates: Kendall.
i think that's what made it a lot easier to write, because it wasn't my own pain so i didn't have to sift through different feelings.
although I'm not very good at it, i like writing songs.
it's extremely therapeutic and sometimes only like 2 lines come out but those 2 lines help get the feelings off my chest.
anyway--this isn't going to be a long post. just wanted to share the good news!
maybe I'll put it on YouTube...
i finished my first song.
i have so many half-written songs in my journal and on my computer and on random pieces of paper but i finally completed a song.
and to make it even better, i recorded it!
the recording could be better but i feel good about the song.
it's about being hurt by love but still wanting it but also not being sure if it's even worth it to keep putting yourself out there.
i was inspired by one of my roommates: Kendall.
i think that's what made it a lot easier to write, because it wasn't my own pain so i didn't have to sift through different feelings.
although I'm not very good at it, i like writing songs.
it's extremely therapeutic and sometimes only like 2 lines come out but those 2 lines help get the feelings off my chest.
anyway--this isn't going to be a long post. just wanted to share the good news!
maybe I'll put it on YouTube...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
tantrums and such...
i really wanted to think of a creative title for this post but nothing really came to me...
forgive me father for i have committed LOTS of sins.
what I'm really concerned about, though, is the anger I've been experiencing over the last two days.
don't get me wrong, i am NOT, by any means, an angry person.
honestly, i get mad, like really mad, probably every 2 or 3 years.
(i get my calm-ness from my dad...he doesn't let much upset him)
anyway, so I've gotten really angry over 2 things this week.
one was one of my roommates (the only one who isn't one of my friends) was caught stealing food and water from the rest of us.
she's rarely around but she does come to smoke weed with her boyfriend and have beer pong with her boyfriend's friends and apparently to eat our food.
okay so I'm not stingy and I'm cool if you ask to have some food but here's the situation:
situation #1
i bring back 3 tamales from thanksgiving break and put them in the freezer.
i take them out a few days ago to thaw-there are 3 still in there.
two days ago i go to eat them and there is one left.
i didn't eat them-i know my friends know the rules so I'm left to think that it's her.
so due to this i throw an all out tantrum.
i mean an all out tantrum.
I'm yelling, stomping around the house, slamming every door possible and finally i just put on some really loud screaming music.
all my roommates are laughing at the spectacle but i can't help but want to punch the food thief in the face. (fortunately she wasn't there or else I'm not sure i would have been able to keep myself from hitting her)
so to let her know how i feel, i leave a very angry note on her bed.
eventually (like 30 minutes later) i come to my senses and calm down and take the note back and realize that the situation could be handled better.
but still i regretted my actions and realized how ridiculous i was being.
situation #2
I'm in a small group communication class and we have a final project to get done.
i didn't go to ONE class and so my group is upset with me. (despite the fact that i pretty much do everything for the group anyway, and am basically the organizer and leader of the group, and all of them have missed more than one class and hardly pay attention during group meetings anyway)
so today i ask if we could move up a meeting time so that i can attend and i get two very rude text messages telling me that basically i don't get an opinion if i don't come to class.
so rather than being the bigger person and saying okay and moving on (which in retrospect obviously would have been a better choice), i feel the need to tell off the guy that sent me the text message. he responded with some immature comment that i didn't respond to.
so in both situations i could have been a lot more civil had i thought through what actually was happening. i don't know though.
i kind of regret the things i said, not because those people didn't deserve it but because I'm better than that. angry is NOT a good look on me and there really should be no room for it.
i guess i should apologize for my actions.
I'm still working on that part though. (what can i say, I'm not perfect!)
anyway...i spent about an hour making a crappy but kinda cool replica of the glee pictures but with MY picture. it's Saturday and that's what I'm doing...so cool.
i really like the song by Peter Gabriel called "In Your Eyes".
it's a super simple song but i love it.
forgive me father for i have committed LOTS of sins.
what I'm really concerned about, though, is the anger I've been experiencing over the last two days.
don't get me wrong, i am NOT, by any means, an angry person.
honestly, i get mad, like really mad, probably every 2 or 3 years.
(i get my calm-ness from my dad...he doesn't let much upset him)
anyway, so I've gotten really angry over 2 things this week.
one was one of my roommates (the only one who isn't one of my friends) was caught stealing food and water from the rest of us.
she's rarely around but she does come to smoke weed with her boyfriend and have beer pong with her boyfriend's friends and apparently to eat our food.
okay so I'm not stingy and I'm cool if you ask to have some food but here's the situation:
situation #1
i bring back 3 tamales from thanksgiving break and put them in the freezer.
i take them out a few days ago to thaw-there are 3 still in there.
two days ago i go to eat them and there is one left.
i didn't eat them-i know my friends know the rules so I'm left to think that it's her.
so due to this i throw an all out tantrum.
i mean an all out tantrum.
I'm yelling, stomping around the house, slamming every door possible and finally i just put on some really loud screaming music.
all my roommates are laughing at the spectacle but i can't help but want to punch the food thief in the face. (fortunately she wasn't there or else I'm not sure i would have been able to keep myself from hitting her)
so to let her know how i feel, i leave a very angry note on her bed.
eventually (like 30 minutes later) i come to my senses and calm down and take the note back and realize that the situation could be handled better.
but still i regretted my actions and realized how ridiculous i was being.
situation #2
I'm in a small group communication class and we have a final project to get done.
i didn't go to ONE class and so my group is upset with me. (despite the fact that i pretty much do everything for the group anyway, and am basically the organizer and leader of the group, and all of them have missed more than one class and hardly pay attention during group meetings anyway)
so today i ask if we could move up a meeting time so that i can attend and i get two very rude text messages telling me that basically i don't get an opinion if i don't come to class.
so rather than being the bigger person and saying okay and moving on (which in retrospect obviously would have been a better choice), i feel the need to tell off the guy that sent me the text message. he responded with some immature comment that i didn't respond to.
so in both situations i could have been a lot more civil had i thought through what actually was happening. i don't know though.
i kind of regret the things i said, not because those people didn't deserve it but because I'm better than that. angry is NOT a good look on me and there really should be no room for it.
i guess i should apologize for my actions.
I'm still working on that part though. (what can i say, I'm not perfect!)
anyway...i spent about an hour making a crappy but kinda cool replica of the glee pictures but with MY picture. it's Saturday and that's what I'm doing...so cool.
i really like the song by Peter Gabriel called "In Your Eyes".
it's a super simple song but i love it.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
"True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice."
- Samuel Johnston
i really should be sleeping right now seeing as though i haven't gotten more than 5 hours of sleep for the past few weeks and i have a really long day ahead of me.- Samuel Johnston
but really, since when do i choose responsibility over blogging?
i've tried so hard to get into the Christmas spirit lately but i can't seem to feel it.
maybe it's because i didn't do any early black friday shopping. or maybe it's because by the time Christmas comes around, i'll have no more school to do and will most likely be stressing about where to work, live and all those other stresses that come with being an adult.
i just gotta say that Beyonce is soo extremely talented.
everyday i've been driving to santa clarita for play rehearsals and while the drive is long, it gives me time to listen to so much music and entertain people that are stuck in traffic along with me.
i get so crazy when a good song comes on and today "get me bodied" by beyonce came on and i went crazy. i started thinking about when she performs that song and how incredible it is.
she's just REALLY good.
tonight we had a house meeting. just to talk about the plan for courts tomorrow but it ended up being a discussion about so many different experiences we've gone through. some reminiscing about the summer and how ridiculous it was. it was cool though because through this discussion i realized how much things have changed. reading my previous posts shows me all the provision God has shown me and makes me really see the progress im making in trying to be a better me. it's just so crazy.
anyway...i need sleep. i'm visiting a buddhist temple tomorrow. should be interesting.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
keep runnin' runnin' and runnin' runnin'
don't be fooled by the title.
I'm not in peak physical condition
I'm talking about my mind.
I've just been thinking A LOT.
my roommate and i have been discussing plans on moving to new york.
it's seems so crazy but i just feel so ready to do it.
I'm ready to go somewhere and be someone and do something i love.
it's so weird because my roommate and i were talking about if either of us were to get into a serious relationship would it stop us from moving?
and right now i can't see it but what if now is the time?woo...weird to think about-moving on.
i don't know.
i can definitely say that the feelings i have right now are feelings that i haven't felt in a really long time. (could i be any more vague?)
it's just that things are moving and if i don't start moving, I'm going to get left behind.
i know that i was made for bigger and better things and I'm so excited to see how God uses me.
I'm loving the changes I'm making and am so ready to be a grown up Sabrina.
this definitely didn't come out as eloquently as it was in my head but who gives?
all this mess to say that I'M HAPPY.
and i really like being happy.
I'm not in peak physical condition
I'm talking about my mind.
I've just been thinking A LOT.
my roommate and i have been discussing plans on moving to new york.
it's seems so crazy but i just feel so ready to do it.
I'm ready to go somewhere and be someone and do something i love.
it's so weird because my roommate and i were talking about if either of us were to get into a serious relationship would it stop us from moving?
and right now i can't see it but what if now is the time?woo...weird to think about-moving on.
i don't know.
i can definitely say that the feelings i have right now are feelings that i haven't felt in a really long time. (could i be any more vague?)
it's just that things are moving and if i don't start moving, I'm going to get left behind.
i know that i was made for bigger and better things and I'm so excited to see how God uses me.
I'm loving the changes I'm making and am so ready to be a grown up Sabrina.
this definitely didn't come out as eloquently as it was in my head but who gives?
all this mess to say that I'M HAPPY.
and i really like being happy.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Favorite lines from Battle Studies:
1. Heartbreak Warfare: "Drop his name. push it in and twist the knife again. Watch my face, as I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain."
2. All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye: "Why you wanna break my heart again? Why am I gonna let you try?"
3. Half of My Heart: "Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that half of my heart won't do"
4. Who Says: "Who says I can't get stoned? Plan a trip to Japan alone. Doesn't matter if I even go"
5. Perfectly Lonely: "Nothing to do, no where to be, a simple little kind of free. I'm perfectly lonely."
6. Assassin: (FAVORITE SONG ON THE ALBUM) "Im an assassin and i had a job to do. Little did i know that girl was an assassin too."
7. War of My Life: (SUPER DEEP SONG) "I've got a hammer and a heart of glass I got to know right now which walls to smash. I got a pocket, got no pill, If fear hasn't killed me yet than nothing will."
8. Edge of Desire: "Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me."
9. Friends, Lovers or Nothing: "Anything less than i love you is lying"
P.S. I nixed Crossover because he didn't write it and Do You Know Me because it only has like 20 words in the whole song.
1. Heartbreak Warfare: "Drop his name. push it in and twist the knife again. Watch my face, as I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain."
2. All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye: "Why you wanna break my heart again? Why am I gonna let you try?"
3. Half of My Heart: "Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that half of my heart won't do"
4. Who Says: "Who says I can't get stoned? Plan a trip to Japan alone. Doesn't matter if I even go"
5. Perfectly Lonely: "Nothing to do, no where to be, a simple little kind of free. I'm perfectly lonely."
6. Assassin: (FAVORITE SONG ON THE ALBUM) "Im an assassin and i had a job to do. Little did i know that girl was an assassin too."
7. War of My Life: (SUPER DEEP SONG) "I've got a hammer and a heart of glass I got to know right now which walls to smash. I got a pocket, got no pill, If fear hasn't killed me yet than nothing will."
8. Edge of Desire: "Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me."
9. Friends, Lovers or Nothing: "Anything less than i love you is lying"
P.S. I nixed Crossover because he didn't write it and Do You Know Me because it only has like 20 words in the whole song.
just a thought.
i just need to say how proud i am of myself for the happy blog i last wrote.
so often i feel like im complaining all the time but it makes me feel good to go back and read things i've written that are actually joyful.
last night was the first readthrough for High School Musical 2.
it is sooo cheesy but honestly (and kind of secretly) i can't wait to start working on it!
on Monday the music director said were gonna be hitting the music hard and i am overjoyed!
gah! i can't explain to you how excited i am about doing this.
it makes me feel accomplished in some werid, unexplainable way.
soooo...in light of Thanksgiving (tomorrow)-here are some things i'm thankful for.
-God's provision: especially in these last few months where i've been broke as a joke, he's provided for me EVERY SINGLE TIME.
-my roommates: they make me so mad but they're always there for me and have made for my 4 years of college the best i think they ever could have been. living with them was the best decision i've ever made
-my friends that i don't live with:all of them have played a HUGE part in my growing up and becoming who i am. i love them all and am extremely thankful for their friendship.
-my family: my parents, my brother, my extended family-they seriously are the best family to be apart of. they support me in whatever i do even when i feel like i suck at it.
-that i'm almost done with school
-being cast in a play (finally!)
anyway-things are good right now and i'm lovin it.
now i gotta get to packin and showerin and hair doin'
loves!
so often i feel like im complaining all the time but it makes me feel good to go back and read things i've written that are actually joyful.
last night was the first readthrough for High School Musical 2.
it is sooo cheesy but honestly (and kind of secretly) i can't wait to start working on it!
on Monday the music director said were gonna be hitting the music hard and i am overjoyed!
gah! i can't explain to you how excited i am about doing this.
it makes me feel accomplished in some werid, unexplainable way.
soooo...in light of Thanksgiving (tomorrow)-here are some things i'm thankful for.
-God's provision: especially in these last few months where i've been broke as a joke, he's provided for me EVERY SINGLE TIME.
-my roommates: they make me so mad but they're always there for me and have made for my 4 years of college the best i think they ever could have been. living with them was the best decision i've ever made
-my friends that i don't live with:all of them have played a HUGE part in my growing up and becoming who i am. i love them all and am extremely thankful for their friendship.
-my family: my parents, my brother, my extended family-they seriously are the best family to be apart of. they support me in whatever i do even when i feel like i suck at it.
-that i'm almost done with school
-being cast in a play (finally!)
anyway-things are good right now and i'm lovin it.
now i gotta get to packin and showerin and hair doin'
loves!
Monday, November 23, 2009
WOOPY DOO!!!
I DID IT! I DID IT!
I finally auditioned for a play and it felt soo good.
i've never been in a play that wasn't for church or elementary school and im so excited to finally be doing one.
theater is so much different from movies or television and i finally get to see that other side.
i most definitely miss being in front of a camera but those opportunities will arise again.
WHOO. it just feels good to finally be following through with things i've wanted to do for like 10 years.
so i'm in the ensemble and i'm kinda frustrated because my voice (not to sound cocky) is definitely more mature and better than the majority of the people I was up against. but to be fair, the part i was auditioning for didn't have much solo singing so I guess they were trying to find someone with "the look" which unfortunately in most cases, i don't have.
but it's cool because this is my first play!
I can't wait to be apart of the finished project and rehearsing and being so tired from singing and dancing but having to continue because not everyone is trying their hardest.
AHHH!
it's gonna feel great.
anyway...that's my exciting news for now.
(still single...but theatre mostly always cures that :D)
i'll keep you updated on my theatre-ness!!!
in other news...i LOVE LOVE LOVE John Mayer's new CD, Battle Studies.
I cannot stop listening to it.
it's uhh-mazing. He never ceases to amaze me with his music.
done.
I finally auditioned for a play and it felt soo good.
i've never been in a play that wasn't for church or elementary school and im so excited to finally be doing one.
theater is so much different from movies or television and i finally get to see that other side.
i most definitely miss being in front of a camera but those opportunities will arise again.
WHOO. it just feels good to finally be following through with things i've wanted to do for like 10 years.
so i'm in the ensemble and i'm kinda frustrated because my voice (not to sound cocky) is definitely more mature and better than the majority of the people I was up against. but to be fair, the part i was auditioning for didn't have much solo singing so I guess they were trying to find someone with "the look" which unfortunately in most cases, i don't have.
but it's cool because this is my first play!
I can't wait to be apart of the finished project and rehearsing and being so tired from singing and dancing but having to continue because not everyone is trying their hardest.
AHHH!
it's gonna feel great.
anyway...that's my exciting news for now.
(still single...but theatre mostly always cures that :D)
i'll keep you updated on my theatre-ness!!!
in other news...i LOVE LOVE LOVE John Mayer's new CD, Battle Studies.
I cannot stop listening to it.
it's uhh-mazing. He never ceases to amaze me with his music.
done.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
BLAHgging.
i just realized the last thing i posted was a Christmas list.
how extremely selfish of me.
i also just read a draft that i haven't posted and it sounds really bitter so i'm gonna delete it.
anywho. let me tell you a little bit about my last couple months.
I haven't really had anything spectacular happen to me.
matter of fact , i've been sick a lot and practically every part of my body has been in pain over the last month. it hasn't been the best week either BUT despite my present situation, i am seeing the joy of the Lord in my life.
I'm not complaining, I'm praising.
and fo sho...that will make everything feel better. Just knowing God's goodness has been enough for me.
okay. yes i'm happy.
but there is one small thing that's been getting on my nerves.
EVERYONE is getting into relationships.
engagements, marriages, dating, EVERYTHING!
everyone except me (and i'm sure a lot of other people too, but just let me vent right now).
i was talking to one of my friends and telling her that i feel so left out.
i'm so tired of hearing, "when you least expect it it'll happen" or "When you're not ready, that's when it'll happen!"
okay no.
For 21 years I've not been ready.
For 21 years I have been least expecting it.
so now would be the time for someone extremely special to come into my life.
i'm just saying.
okay okay.
no more whining.
i know God's got someone so amazing waiting for me, that when i look back and read this, i'm gonna feel so lame.
i'm not gonna try to rush something that is God given.
sometimes i just need to be a girl and complain about it.
all done.
how extremely selfish of me.
i also just read a draft that i haven't posted and it sounds really bitter so i'm gonna delete it.
anywho. let me tell you a little bit about my last couple months.
I haven't really had anything spectacular happen to me.
matter of fact , i've been sick a lot and practically every part of my body has been in pain over the last month. it hasn't been the best week either BUT despite my present situation, i am seeing the joy of the Lord in my life.
I'm not complaining, I'm praising.
and fo sho...that will make everything feel better. Just knowing God's goodness has been enough for me.
okay. yes i'm happy.
but there is one small thing that's been getting on my nerves.
EVERYONE is getting into relationships.
engagements, marriages, dating, EVERYTHING!
everyone except me (and i'm sure a lot of other people too, but just let me vent right now).
i was talking to one of my friends and telling her that i feel so left out.
i'm so tired of hearing, "when you least expect it it'll happen" or "When you're not ready, that's when it'll happen!"
okay no.
For 21 years I've not been ready.
For 21 years I have been least expecting it.
so now would be the time for someone extremely special to come into my life.
i'm just saying.
okay okay.
no more whining.
i know God's got someone so amazing waiting for me, that when i look back and read this, i'm gonna feel so lame.
i'm not gonna try to rush something that is God given.
sometimes i just need to be a girl and complain about it.
all done.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Christmas List
I know it's WAY early and kind of lame to be posting my Christmas wish list.
but there are some things i want.
most i don't need but I wanna put the list somewhere and this is my favorite place at the moment so here goes (not in any particular order):
1. Nikon D60 (or just really any Nikon SLR anything. I'm not that good of a photographer but i want to get better and do it more often)
2. Macbook Pro (they're sooo pretty and my laptop is FALLING apart)
3. All the Michael Jackson CDs I don't already own (anything before 1979)
a. Got to Be There
b. Ben
c. Music & Me
d. Forever Michael
4. Full Size Keyboard with touch sensitive keys (any brand will do. as long as there are recording features and it comes with a sustain pedal)
5. The Office Season 5
6. Perfume-not sure what fragrance yet
7. All the Disney classics on DVD (that'll be kinda hard...stupid vault)
that's all (i know right...it's actually ALOT) i can think of right now. I'll continue to add more as i think of them. I know it's an expensive list but they're all just wishes that i'm not expecting to get all at one time but i'd eventually like to have all of them at some point in my life.
but there are some things i want.
most i don't need but I wanna put the list somewhere and this is my favorite place at the moment so here goes (not in any particular order):
1. Nikon D60 (or just really any Nikon SLR anything. I'm not that good of a photographer but i want to get better and do it more often)
2. Macbook Pro (they're sooo pretty and my laptop is FALLING apart)
3. All the Michael Jackson CDs I don't already own (anything before 1979)
a. Got to Be There
b. Ben
c. Music & Me
d. Forever Michael
4. Full Size Keyboard with touch sensitive keys (any brand will do. as long as there are recording features and it comes with a sustain pedal)
5. The Office Season 5
6. Perfume-not sure what fragrance yet
7. All the Disney classics on DVD (that'll be kinda hard...stupid vault)
that's all (i know right...it's actually ALOT) i can think of right now. I'll continue to add more as i think of them. I know it's an expensive list but they're all just wishes that i'm not expecting to get all at one time but i'd eventually like to have all of them at some point in my life.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
THIS IS IT
I love this song.
and I miss Michael Jackson.
and I'm mad that I won't get to ever see him perform live.
and I'm sad that he never got to actually COME BACK.
but this is it. and i guess i have to be okay with that.
and I miss Michael Jackson.
and I'm mad that I won't get to ever see him perform live.
and I'm sad that he never got to actually COME BACK.
but this is it. and i guess i have to be okay with that.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thank You For The Morning
I should be getting ready for my presentation for class right now but i just have a few things to say.
I think the majority of the time I or anyone blogs, it's the negative things that I feel simply because that's the kinda stuff you need to get off your chest but today i'm feeling really good. so i have some things to be thankful for (and kinda in lieu of November being so close...)
1. I am so so so thankful for my family and friends. they really love me (most of the time) and i know i can count on them regardless of the situation and they will be there for me.
2. The weather, although ridiculously unpredictable, has been exactly what i need every time. I love the heat with a little breeze. and i like the cold. and i love the rain. and oddly enough, i've seen all three during the past 3 weeks.
3. I am so thankful that I'm about to graduate. I'm super scared, yes. But i am getting so tired of doing homework all the time. It's lame and i'm ready to finish.
4. I love my haircut. Vain as it is--i really like it. My hairdresser did an outstanding job and i've missed my bob so much and it's good to have it back.
5. Mostly, I'm just thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. I'm so thankful that i get to wake up fresh and am allowed another day to praise God (even if I don't always take advantage of that allowance )
I think the majority of the time I or anyone blogs, it's the negative things that I feel simply because that's the kinda stuff you need to get off your chest but today i'm feeling really good. so i have some things to be thankful for (and kinda in lieu of November being so close...)
1. I am so so so thankful for my family and friends. they really love me (most of the time) and i know i can count on them regardless of the situation and they will be there for me.
2. The weather, although ridiculously unpredictable, has been exactly what i need every time. I love the heat with a little breeze. and i like the cold. and i love the rain. and oddly enough, i've seen all three during the past 3 weeks.
3. I am so thankful that I'm about to graduate. I'm super scared, yes. But i am getting so tired of doing homework all the time. It's lame and i'm ready to finish.
4. I love my haircut. Vain as it is--i really like it. My hairdresser did an outstanding job and i've missed my bob so much and it's good to have it back.
5. Mostly, I'm just thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. I'm so thankful that i get to wake up fresh and am allowed another day to praise God (even if I don't always take advantage of that allowance )
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
middle of the ocean
Trust: Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.This morning in the shower I was thinking, as I often do, about my future. Many thoughts about careers and living situations flooded my mind, but before I could let the stress of not having a plan take over, I simply thought...I'll just trust God with it.
"What a good plan!", I thought. Then I don't have to worry about anything. God's got it and I'll just follow right on down his path and everything will be easy as pie. I'll do everything he asks and I'll end up right where he wants me to be.
and then she lived happily ever after.
NOT!
If only I really could think and act that way.
Soon as I thought of trusting God, thoughts of neglect and huge sacrifice came to mind. Do I really trust God? Or is it simply a cop out for me to not stress and fool myself into thinking that God's gonna believe that I truly trust him.
So my thoughts led me to Peter in Matthew 14:22-33; when Jesus was walking on water and had Peter come out to meet him, ya know, in the middle of the ocean...without a boat!
I was thinking how, so often, I look at Peter and I'm like "Dude, why didn't you trust Jesus? He was right there!" then ohmygosh, I have my own AHA! moment (as Oprah calls it...).
Peter trusts God when he takes that first step onto the water. He sees Jesus standing in the MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN and is like "Ya know, I got this. I'm good." and for awhile he is good, but then he gets distracted. The reality of the situation takes hold of what was once full reliance on Christ, and instead of staying focused on what was keeping him up in the first place, he looks to other things and starts freaking out.
Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've been in Peter's situation (not walking on water, but you catch my drift)...
It's so easy to look at Peter and judge and say things like "Pssh, Christ already proved he was trustworthy when you stepped out of the boat, so why, when things got rough, did you doubt him, ya crazy!?!" (loose translation)
but how many times have we done that EXACT SAME THING?
We step out of our figurative boats and begin the "trusting journey" where we see that things are working out the way God promised it would happen. He's proven his faithfulness and we're chillin' on the water in the middle of the ocean fully relying on God.
Of course we are, because at this point, things are easy.
- You have enough money to pay the rent and eat out a couple times this week.
- The medicine, the doctor gave your mom, is working and the sickness seems to be going away.
- You have a job offer ready for you when you graduate.
- You're enjoying living the single life and going out with your single friends.
- Money is tight and your car needs to be fixed but you can't afford to do that and pay rent.
- Your mom has an allergic reaction to the pills and is in the hospital because the doctors don't know what's wrong.
- The job is overseas where you know no one.
- The guy you were interested in, suddenly starts avoiding you for no reason at all and you have no idea why.
waves happened.
Why is it that I can so easily look to God in the times where everything is going right and say "i know you've got everything under control"? But as soon as a little storm comes along, that trust simply disappears and all that's left is our fear and doubt that distracts us from what was holding us up all along.
As soon as Peter took his eyes off Jesus he began to sink.
We stop focusing on Christ and become distracted by the "wind and waves" of our lives and eventually begin to sink. We all do this. I, most definitely, do it and it's an unfortunate path to take.
Fortunately, my friends, the story doesn't end there.
Just as Peter is sinking in the ocean, he cries out "Lord, save me!"
"Lord, save me!"
Verse 31 says: "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." Immediately.
Jesus doesn't lecture Peter about how he could have stayed on the water longer, or tell him how bad of a disciple he is. Rather, Jesus saves Peter. He didn't ask Peter to wear a dunce cap until he admitted what he did wrong. No. Peter called and Jesus came to his rescue.
This isn't an excuse to lose your way and then call on Jesus. But it is a call to action.
A call to be firm relyers(is that a word) on Christ.
We can rest in knowing and be thankful that if our flesh takes over, we can call on our maker and he will come to our rescue.
But I want to live a life where I trust God in a firm reliant fashion.
amen.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Thinking on a Sunday
here i am on the sabbath...thinking.
is it wrong? is it work? i really don't know but imma do it anyway.
i keep having to remind myself that i am so worth it.
YOU are so worth it.
nobody should be able to validate or invalidate who you are as a person.
no guy, no girl, no friend, no enemy, NO ONE!
it's unfortunate how easily we can let someone make us mad.
or make us feel like we don't matter or that something is wrong with us.
well friends, i'm here to say that i've been down that road of insecurity and granted, every once in awhile i feel an itchin' to go back down it but it brings nothing but more insecurity.
and no one likes an insecure person.
people just feel uncomfortable around you cuz you're not comfortable with yourself.
and if you don't like something about yourself..CHANGE IT!
i was watching Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married, the other day. (which i do often because i think it's one of Tyler Perry's best) but anyway, i was watching it and towards the end, Sheila, one of the women, is feeling completely broken. Her husband was cheating on her with one of her friends, he treated her like dirt and called her names, he left her with no money, no nothing for the other woman. So Sheila is working with this guy who tells her that she is strong and should be proud of herself for getting through what many people can't get through. She continues to put herself down because that's all she knows and the man she works with tells her she is worth it.
I can't tell you how many times I've cried at that point.
well actually i can, EVERY TIME.
anyway, it feels so much easier to beat ourselves up for what we don't have enough of, or have way too much of, so that we beat others to it.
that is not the way to live, my loves.
it's not.
now hold your head up high and start acting like you were made in the image of God...cuz you ARE!
how's that for an ego boost?
is it wrong? is it work? i really don't know but imma do it anyway.
i keep having to remind myself that i am so worth it.
YOU are so worth it.
nobody should be able to validate or invalidate who you are as a person.
no guy, no girl, no friend, no enemy, NO ONE!
it's unfortunate how easily we can let someone make us mad.
or make us feel like we don't matter or that something is wrong with us.
well friends, i'm here to say that i've been down that road of insecurity and granted, every once in awhile i feel an itchin' to go back down it but it brings nothing but more insecurity.
and no one likes an insecure person.
people just feel uncomfortable around you cuz you're not comfortable with yourself.
and if you don't like something about yourself..CHANGE IT!
i was watching Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married, the other day. (which i do often because i think it's one of Tyler Perry's best) but anyway, i was watching it and towards the end, Sheila, one of the women, is feeling completely broken. Her husband was cheating on her with one of her friends, he treated her like dirt and called her names, he left her with no money, no nothing for the other woman. So Sheila is working with this guy who tells her that she is strong and should be proud of herself for getting through what many people can't get through. She continues to put herself down because that's all she knows and the man she works with tells her she is worth it.
I can't tell you how many times I've cried at that point.
well actually i can, EVERY TIME.
anyway, it feels so much easier to beat ourselves up for what we don't have enough of, or have way too much of, so that we beat others to it.
that is not the way to live, my loves.
it's not.
now hold your head up high and start acting like you were made in the image of God...cuz you ARE!
how's that for an ego boost?
Saturday, October 17, 2009
fearless
i know my friends are getting so annoyed with me cuz i have colbie caillat on repeat ALL THE TIME. but the cd is just SO good.
she really did it up this time.
so lately i've been looking for some acting opportunities because i really miss doing it. i love going to rehearsals and i love coming home tired and i love knowing that i have to do it again the next day. call me crazy but i just think that acting as work is in muh blood. i really think it is.
whatevs.
but anyway, so i've been looking for some acting opportunites and it seems like all the open calls happened like 2 weeks ago until today. like i JUST missed 'em. *frustrated sigh*
(is there any other genre of 'sigh'? i think generally, they're all frustrated...so maybe i should take the word out. but then this italicized, parenthtical converstaion would have no purpose, so i think i'll keep it)
I JUST WANT TO ACT.
i keep seeing and hearing of all these people who are doing things with their acting career and i really think that's what my passion is but uh hello...where are all the opportunites?
ya know? i heard that if it's what God wants for your life then he'll open doors. sooo...does he want me to do nothing?
i'm just a li'l confused yafeelme?
yeah.
anyway...that's all for now.
she really did it up this time.
so lately i've been looking for some acting opportunities because i really miss doing it. i love going to rehearsals and i love coming home tired and i love knowing that i have to do it again the next day. call me crazy but i just think that acting as work is in muh blood. i really think it is.
whatevs.
but anyway, so i've been looking for some acting opportunites and it seems like all the open calls happened like 2 weeks ago until today. like i JUST missed 'em. *frustrated sigh*
(is there any other genre of 'sigh'? i think generally, they're all frustrated...so maybe i should take the word out. but then this italicized, parenthtical converstaion would have no purpose, so i think i'll keep it)
I JUST WANT TO ACT.
i keep seeing and hearing of all these people who are doing things with their acting career and i really think that's what my passion is but uh hello...where are all the opportunites?
ya know? i heard that if it's what God wants for your life then he'll open doors. sooo...does he want me to do nothing?
i'm just a li'l confused yafeelme?
yeah.
anyway...that's all for now.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
ack.
it's raining outside. and i love it.
it's just a tiny bit inconvenient when i JUST straightened my hair a few days ago and everywhere i walk my jeans get soaking wet.
lame-o.
i can hear it really coming down right now.
it's so fascinating, the rain.
it's crazy how so much of something so tiny can affect someone's mood.
i personally don't think i'm affected by it but for some it can bring you down.
it's raining outside. and i love it.
it's just a tiny bit inconvenient when i JUST straightened my hair a few days ago and everywhere i walk my jeans get soaking wet.
lame-o.
i can hear it really coming down right now.
it's so fascinating, the rain.
it's crazy how so much of something so tiny can affect someone's mood.
i personally don't think i'm affected by it but for some it can bring you down.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Stop This Train by John Mayer
No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"
"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"
Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train
this song puts all my thoughts about my life up to now into words.
thank you John for this little beauty.
here's a link to listen to the song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BTzNX5OMN4
No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"
"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"
Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train
this song puts all my thoughts about my life up to now into words.
thank you John for this little beauty.
here's a link to listen to the song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BTzNX5OMN4
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
chang chang now put it over there
i have two tests tomorrow but instead of studying and looking over my notes--im twittering, facebooking and blogging. badizzle!
i'm so unproductive before 2am these days it's kind of ridiculous.
like yesterday--i didn't go to bed until 7:30 in the morning and while i was tired all day today, i got so much done.
i wrote a song (which i'm considering sharing with the world eventually), filled out almost an entire study guide, and i did some other stuff too that i can't really remember. (note: i have yet to get the sleep im missing and am running on only 2 and a half hours for the past 2 days so if my thoughts come jumbled--you know why).
now that that is said i must declare to the whole world my love of james taylor.
i think john mayer is the james taylor of our generation and freakin james taylor is ultra-talented.
i mean, my goodness.
i know i've said this before but my friends seriously are the best ever.
alot of the time they piss me off to no end but i love the times when we're just sitting up talking about life and laughing at the stupid stuff we do.
i crave these times.
and i'm gonna miss these times when school is over :(
but this post isn't gonna be sad.
i'm in a good mood and i'm feeling God's blessings in more ways than ever.
i need to sleep so that i can get back in a right state of mind. and maybe do a little studying before class tomorrow.
oh and randomly on my twitter i posted "the reggae be hurting me eyeballs". i do not remember posting this and it's kinda creeping me out.
i'm so unproductive before 2am these days it's kind of ridiculous.
like yesterday--i didn't go to bed until 7:30 in the morning and while i was tired all day today, i got so much done.
i wrote a song (which i'm considering sharing with the world eventually), filled out almost an entire study guide, and i did some other stuff too that i can't really remember. (note: i have yet to get the sleep im missing and am running on only 2 and a half hours for the past 2 days so if my thoughts come jumbled--you know why).
now that that is said i must declare to the whole world my love of james taylor.
i think john mayer is the james taylor of our generation and freakin james taylor is ultra-talented.
i mean, my goodness.
i know i've said this before but my friends seriously are the best ever.
alot of the time they piss me off to no end but i love the times when we're just sitting up talking about life and laughing at the stupid stuff we do.
i crave these times.
and i'm gonna miss these times when school is over :(
but this post isn't gonna be sad.
i'm in a good mood and i'm feeling God's blessings in more ways than ever.
i need to sleep so that i can get back in a right state of mind. and maybe do a little studying before class tomorrow.
oh and randomly on my twitter i posted "the reggae be hurting me eyeballs". i do not remember posting this and it's kinda creeping me out.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
my brain won't turn off
okay lots of things going on in the mind of sabrina lynn right now.
1. i was discussing with some of my friends the impact that boys have on us and it's seriously just ridiculous. i hate those girls that get boyfriends and then completely ditch their other friends to spend every waking moment with their guy. i hate how you can be having a perfectly fine time and a phone call or a comment from or about a guy you're into can ruin the rest of the day. i hate how some guys just stick in your mind regardless of how much of a douche bag you know they are. i guess it's not really the guy's fault but seriously, sometimes i wish i could just turn off my feelings.
woo...a little deep for first point but you gotta start somewhere ya know.
2. i love music but lately i've just been getting so frustrated with the emotions behind the songs that are out right now. like why the eff (excuse my euphemism) can everyone relate to taylor swift's you belong with me song. gosh it's like she's trying to torture us into remembering/noticing the stupid feelings we have for the stupid people that make everything so stupidly painful. ugh. okay i guess im not frustrated, just feeling a little called out ya know?
3. (WARNING: mushy feelings ahead...not for the faint of heart) looking in the mirror has gotten a lot more painful, lately. i just feel ugly alot and i really hate it. i don't know what i could do about this situation except for maybe listening to whitney houston's greatest love of all on repeat for a week straight. but i don't have time for that. i guess this one i just gotta do some work with me and the big man upstairs (aka God).
4. i think because i'm about 3 months away from graduating college, i've been reminiscing a whole lot about my past self and thinking how that has and will affect my future. i mean, i've definitely changed (some for the worse and some for the better) and i'm glad for all of it because it has led me to where i am now and i'm content with that place. but i'm just like "AAHHH...where in the heck do i go from here?" high school was so much easier. i didn't have to pay rent, or utility bills or go grocery shopping. i could use all of my earned money on fun, shopping (which definitely fits under the FUN category but i felt it needed to be stated on its own because of its impact on my life), or eating out. i don't know, i guess i just miss the 'simple times'. bleh...sometimes i feel like just breaking down and crying and hoping that my tears land in some sort of predictive way like the ancient Egyptians used to do. sigh.
5. last one. i don't want a boyfriend right now. i don't want a husband right now. but somehow i feel extremely pressured into wanting one. there are times when it seems like girls try to make me feel like a freak for not wanting anything. it's not that i don't EVER want one it's just that at this point in my life, i can't see myself devoting or even wanting to devote a majority of my time to one boy. they just don't seem that worth it to me. at least not now. of course there were a few prospects, but they just disappointed in the end so, yeah, i'm sticking with my previous statement. it just doesn't seem worth it to me...yet.
phew. feels good to get it all, well not all, but get some of it out.
i thought about deleting this post but i think it'll feel better to just click publish and be done with it.
1. i was discussing with some of my friends the impact that boys have on us and it's seriously just ridiculous. i hate those girls that get boyfriends and then completely ditch their other friends to spend every waking moment with their guy. i hate how you can be having a perfectly fine time and a phone call or a comment from or about a guy you're into can ruin the rest of the day. i hate how some guys just stick in your mind regardless of how much of a douche bag you know they are. i guess it's not really the guy's fault but seriously, sometimes i wish i could just turn off my feelings.
woo...a little deep for first point but you gotta start somewhere ya know.
2. i love music but lately i've just been getting so frustrated with the emotions behind the songs that are out right now. like why the eff (excuse my euphemism) can everyone relate to taylor swift's you belong with me song. gosh it's like she's trying to torture us into remembering/noticing the stupid feelings we have for the stupid people that make everything so stupidly painful. ugh. okay i guess im not frustrated, just feeling a little called out ya know?
3. (WARNING: mushy feelings ahead...not for the faint of heart) looking in the mirror has gotten a lot more painful, lately. i just feel ugly alot and i really hate it. i don't know what i could do about this situation except for maybe listening to whitney houston's greatest love of all on repeat for a week straight. but i don't have time for that. i guess this one i just gotta do some work with me and the big man upstairs (aka God).
4. i think because i'm about 3 months away from graduating college, i've been reminiscing a whole lot about my past self and thinking how that has and will affect my future. i mean, i've definitely changed (some for the worse and some for the better) and i'm glad for all of it because it has led me to where i am now and i'm content with that place. but i'm just like "AAHHH...where in the heck do i go from here?" high school was so much easier. i didn't have to pay rent, or utility bills or go grocery shopping. i could use all of my earned money on fun, shopping (which definitely fits under the FUN category but i felt it needed to be stated on its own because of its impact on my life), or eating out. i don't know, i guess i just miss the 'simple times'. bleh...sometimes i feel like just breaking down and crying and hoping that my tears land in some sort of predictive way like the ancient Egyptians used to do. sigh.
5. last one. i don't want a boyfriend right now. i don't want a husband right now. but somehow i feel extremely pressured into wanting one. there are times when it seems like girls try to make me feel like a freak for not wanting anything. it's not that i don't EVER want one it's just that at this point in my life, i can't see myself devoting or even wanting to devote a majority of my time to one boy. they just don't seem that worth it to me. at least not now. of course there were a few prospects, but they just disappointed in the end so, yeah, i'm sticking with my previous statement. it just doesn't seem worth it to me...yet.
phew. feels good to get it all, well not all, but get some of it out.
i thought about deleting this post but i think it'll feel better to just click publish and be done with it.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I've recently come to find out that I over-think almost EVERYTHING.
I used to tell that to people who interviewed me as a weakness without actually believing it, but now i think it's actually true.
i seriously get inside of my head and start to make things seem so much worse than they actually are.
i'm working on it.
im at a place where i'm pretty content with the way things are going right now.
it feels good because lately it hasn't been happening that way and i think its been getting to me.
but i know everything will work out for the best.
i'm so ready to be on stage again. i miss it so much.
i miss leading worship.
i miss being in musical theatre.
i miss doing sing a long videos.
i miss just entertaining people via performance.
hopefully some opportunities will arise for me to get back to doing it again.
that's all for now.
I used to tell that to people who interviewed me as a weakness without actually believing it, but now i think it's actually true.
i seriously get inside of my head and start to make things seem so much worse than they actually are.
i'm working on it.
im at a place where i'm pretty content with the way things are going right now.
it feels good because lately it hasn't been happening that way and i think its been getting to me.
but i know everything will work out for the best.
i'm so ready to be on stage again. i miss it so much.
i miss leading worship.
i miss being in musical theatre.
i miss doing sing a long videos.
i miss just entertaining people via performance.
hopefully some opportunities will arise for me to get back to doing it again.
that's all for now.
Inspiration
i've been inspired by alot of just normal people lately.
like people that aren't celebrities but they still live extraordinarily.
they are the kind of people i want to be like.
idk.
so here's an anonymous thank you to all of you out there.
thank you very much.
like people that aren't celebrities but they still live extraordinarily.
they are the kind of people i want to be like.
idk.
so here's an anonymous thank you to all of you out there.
thank you very much.
Find out who you are and do it on purpose.
The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose. ~Richard Grant
I don't know if its just because I'm getting ready to graduate or what, but I have been hardcore searching for...myself. It seems like such a weird thing to look for because in the past i think i always just assumed that I knew who I was. The funny, loud, black girl that people like to be around but don't necessarily take too seriously. And i think for awhile i was okay with that but at some point we all strive to be someone and mean something to someone.
I've come to that point.
Finding myself? Yuck.
it's crazy daunting and trust me, i don't think i'll ever feel up to the challenge.
but it's time i grow a pair and get on with it.
it's something i need to do.
God, I'm handing this one over to you. I mean, after all it shouldn't be that difficult since I'm just trying to find out the purpose YOU have for me.
it's like...i kinda feel like i know who I was made to be...but i don't wanna be wrong.
HELP!
I've come to that point.
Finding myself? Yuck.
it's crazy daunting and trust me, i don't think i'll ever feel up to the challenge.
but it's time i grow a pair and get on with it.
it's something i need to do.
God, I'm handing this one over to you. I mean, after all it shouldn't be that difficult since I'm just trying to find out the purpose YOU have for me.
it's like...i kinda feel like i know who I was made to be...but i don't wanna be wrong.
HELP!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
dang it.
i'm struggling.
i am so scared for my future life.
i'm struggling with the fact that i don't know what i'm going to do with my life.
i'm struggling with money.
i'm struggling to know what's right versus what's easy.
i'm struggling to be who i was made to be.
i'm struggling to not feel worthless.
i'm struggling with trying to keep from being numb to everything.
i'm struggling to keep hoping for the better.
nothing that i'm struggling with is too hard for my God, though.
and although that gives me a bit of faith, it's still hard to see through the fog that has become my life.
i don't want to be too emo, but dang, life ain't easy.
i've come to the conclusion that i can't simply "get my feet wet" for Christ.
i've become too comfortable being comfortable and it's time for me to dive head first into the deep waters of Christ.
am i ready? no.
am i scared? yes.
do i know what's going to come of this? no.
will this benefit me? of course.
and knowing that WITH Christ, everything is better than it is without him, i am encouraged to keep moving forward.
i am so scared for my future life.
i'm struggling with the fact that i don't know what i'm going to do with my life.
i'm struggling with money.
i'm struggling to know what's right versus what's easy.
i'm struggling to be who i was made to be.
i'm struggling to not feel worthless.
i'm struggling with trying to keep from being numb to everything.
i'm struggling to keep hoping for the better.
nothing that i'm struggling with is too hard for my God, though.
and although that gives me a bit of faith, it's still hard to see through the fog that has become my life.
i don't want to be too emo, but dang, life ain't easy.
i've come to the conclusion that i can't simply "get my feet wet" for Christ.
i've become too comfortable being comfortable and it's time for me to dive head first into the deep waters of Christ.
am i ready? no.
am i scared? yes.
do i know what's going to come of this? no.
will this benefit me? of course.
and knowing that WITH Christ, everything is better than it is without him, i am encouraged to keep moving forward.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Parental Units
I haven't written a blog about my parental units yet and I think it's about time.
Mommy: We argue like its going out of style but i think she secretly likes it. No one in my life could ever make me as mad as her but on the contrary nobody loves me more than she does and for that I am truly grateful. Even though I'm sure I make her mad beyond belief, it's only because I came from her and that's just the way things have to be. On the real though, I really do see all the things she does for me and even though i probably don't tell her enough, I love her with everything in me.
It's crazy weird because we are so much alike it's ridiculous. She's the best mother anyone could ask for and even though she's not the perfect mom, she's the perfect one for me.
Daddy: God knew what he was doing when he chose my dad to be my dad because I am a WHOLE lot to deal with and my dad seems to know the perfect way to handle me. Even though sometimes he makes me mad because he's too freaking quiet, I can't help but love him. Serio though, I love talking to him and he always makes me feel like I can do anything even when I most likely can't (i.e. drive stick shift...). I love him mucho and nothing could ever change that.
My parentals seriously love me and I can see it in everything they do and it's weird because I don't think every kid has that. I love them because they're my parents, but even if they weren't, I think I'd love em just as much.
Mommy: We argue like its going out of style but i think she secretly likes it. No one in my life could ever make me as mad as her but on the contrary nobody loves me more than she does and for that I am truly grateful. Even though I'm sure I make her mad beyond belief, it's only because I came from her and that's just the way things have to be. On the real though, I really do see all the things she does for me and even though i probably don't tell her enough, I love her with everything in me.
It's crazy weird because we are so much alike it's ridiculous. She's the best mother anyone could ask for and even though she's not the perfect mom, she's the perfect one for me.
Daddy: God knew what he was doing when he chose my dad to be my dad because I am a WHOLE lot to deal with and my dad seems to know the perfect way to handle me. Even though sometimes he makes me mad because he's too freaking quiet, I can't help but love him. Serio though, I love talking to him and he always makes me feel like I can do anything even when I most likely can't (i.e. drive stick shift...). I love him mucho and nothing could ever change that.
My parentals seriously love me and I can see it in everything they do and it's weird because I don't think every kid has that. I love them because they're my parents, but even if they weren't, I think I'd love em just as much.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
.Roomies.
Sooo... Karissa and I are going to be roommates for this year in this new house and i'm so excited. We've already discussed that we know there will be days when we want to kill each other. It's weird because we are so much alike. Our personality types work very well together but we both have the same problem that could really end up in disaster if we don't treat them properly.Fortunately, we're not worried about that at all.
What I love about Karissa is that I feel like regardless of what I tell her about my life, I don't feel like she's judging me but I also know that she will keep me in check (because she knows i would do the same for her). She's been there to for some of my big breakdowns and been able to help me more than i think even she knows.
Even though I've only known her for 3 years, one of which she spent hating my guts, I'm thrilled to see what this year brings. I'll keep you updated on the status of the rooming situation.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Summer so far
Summer: the period of finest development, happiness, or beauty.
I looked up the definition of summer because I wasn't sure how to define the season. I expected the dictionary to say something about the vernal equinox or some scientific term like that--i definitely was not expecting to find the definition i found.
Somewhat because the dictionary is boring but mostly because it felt as though my summer has been everything but my period of finest development, happiness or beauty.
I've gone through some of what feels like the hardest times I've ever experienced.
I've cried more this summer than i think I've ever cried in my life.
I've had to be such an adult this summer and i haven't exactly enjoyed it.
Then i got to thinking...
this summer has proven to be exactly what it claims to be.
I have grown so so much.
I've learned so much about myself through dealing with hardships.
and despite all my breakdowns and cry-fests, I have enjoyed the happy times at a more deeper level than I think i have in a long time.
My friends and I have come to a point where we have almost zero secrets amongst each other and we know that we can count on each other no matter what the situation is.
Although all this seemingly wonderful stuff has come out of my crappy situations, I have still not mastered the art of counting everything joy.
I'm working on it though, and I'm glad i can count on Jesus to love me in spite of my pitiful self.
*sigh*
I looked up the definition of summer because I wasn't sure how to define the season. I expected the dictionary to say something about the vernal equinox or some scientific term like that--i definitely was not expecting to find the definition i found.
Somewhat because the dictionary is boring but mostly because it felt as though my summer has been everything but my period of finest development, happiness or beauty.
I've gone through some of what feels like the hardest times I've ever experienced.
I've cried more this summer than i think I've ever cried in my life.
I've had to be such an adult this summer and i haven't exactly enjoyed it.
Then i got to thinking...
this summer has proven to be exactly what it claims to be.
I have grown so so much.
I've learned so much about myself through dealing with hardships.
and despite all my breakdowns and cry-fests, I have enjoyed the happy times at a more deeper level than I think i have in a long time.
My friends and I have come to a point where we have almost zero secrets amongst each other and we know that we can count on each other no matter what the situation is.
Although all this seemingly wonderful stuff has come out of my crappy situations, I have still not mastered the art of counting everything joy.
I'm working on it though, and I'm glad i can count on Jesus to love me in spite of my pitiful self.
*sigh*
Monday, May 18, 2009
My Girls
from left to right: Rebekah, Kendall, Kristin, Lauren, Karissa, Ciara.
Rebekah: [regarding the movie Nights in Rodanthe] "I'm falling asleep just looking at the cover"
Kendall: "I'm sorry for calling your grandma a rich bitch..."
Kristin: "Not going in the blooooog!!!"
Lauren: "Oh my gosh. I would NEVER wear fur; leather maybe."
Karissa: For some reason I can't think of anything funny that she said. but i love her anyway :D
Ciara: "So uh, what do people wear to the gym?"
Bucket List
I've always had a semi-bucket list but it's been more of a mental one.
I mean i've always known there were things i wanted to do but now i would like to take the time to get them on paper/computer screen. i'll continue to add on to the list as they come to me.
bold* indicates something i've already accomplished.
so here goes--my bucket list is as follows:
1. perform on broadway
2. go to a beyonce concert*
3. meet justin timberlake
4. go to an american idol finale*
5. visit spain
6. spend a weekend in new york city*
7. go to a john mayer concert*
8. record a song in a recording studio*
9. be in a movie that's in theatres
10. meet raven symone*
11. meet leonardo dicaprio
12. audition for american idol
13. learn to play the drums and bass
14. eat a chimichanga/turkey leg from disneyland*
15. be famous
16. lose 5 dress sizes
17. attend a taping of Saturday Night Live
18. see a comedian perform at Gotham
19. own all of Michael Jackson's CDs
20. get married
21. own a great dane
22. be interviewed by ellen and dance while i enter
23. see a performance at madison square garden
24. tell S**** that i used to like him
25. kiss in the rain
26. have bilingual children
27. sign a poster with my face on it
28. have a paparazzi take a picture of me with shopping bags
29.
30.
I mean i've always known there were things i wanted to do but now i would like to take the time to get them on paper/computer screen. i'll continue to add on to the list as they come to me.
bold* indicates something i've already accomplished.
so here goes--my bucket list is as follows:
1. perform on broadway
2. go to a beyonce concert*
3. meet justin timberlake
4. go to an american idol finale*
5. visit spain
6. spend a weekend in new york city*
7. go to a john mayer concert*
8. record a song in a recording studio*
9. be in a movie that's in theatres
10. meet raven symone*
11. meet leonardo dicaprio
12. audition for american idol
13. learn to play the drums and bass
14. eat a chimichanga/turkey leg from disneyland*
15. be famous
16. lose 5 dress sizes
17. attend a taping of Saturday Night Live
18. see a comedian perform at Gotham
19. own all of Michael Jackson's CDs
20. get married
21. own a great dane
22. be interviewed by ellen and dance while i enter
23. see a performance at madison square garden
24. tell S**** that i used to like him
25. kiss in the rain
26. have bilingual children
27. sign a poster with my face on it
28. have a paparazzi take a picture of me with shopping bags
29.
30.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
his body is a wonderland.
I don't know what it is but i've gained this weird obsession with John Mayer.and not like a creepy teenage fan obsession but more like a grown woman crush--if that even makes sense.
I just think he is amazingly talented and when I saw his sleeve of tattoos it just made me like him even more.
He seems to be crazy funny and I don't know--just extremely intriguing to me.
Everytime I listen to his music I feel like I want to just pick up a guitar and start playing something...like maybe i can be that inspiring.
This really is just a nonsense post but I'm bored and he's been on my mind.
Friday, April 10, 2009
comeback kid
i've come to realize that one of the weirdest feelings for me is coming home from college. it's just crazy when you're away for a few months because when you return, everything seems to be completely different.
you're family seems different because they've continued life without you but in a different way because the situation has now changed..no you.
i've tried to pinpoint the feeling but i honestly can't.
someone told me that it's like trying to join a game of musical chairs once a few rounds have already been played. there really isn't room for you and if you do find a chair, you're changing things (the amount of people that get out in a round).
idk.
it's just weird.
on a completely different note, i've been trying to focus my frustrations into writing songs. and while my efforts have been successful in the music area, lyrics are lacking.
my guitar is probably worn out by all the frustrated strumming i've been doing.
bleh.
you're family seems different because they've continued life without you but in a different way because the situation has now changed..no you.
i've tried to pinpoint the feeling but i honestly can't.
someone told me that it's like trying to join a game of musical chairs once a few rounds have already been played. there really isn't room for you and if you do find a chair, you're changing things (the amount of people that get out in a round).
idk.
it's just weird.
on a completely different note, i've been trying to focus my frustrations into writing songs. and while my efforts have been successful in the music area, lyrics are lacking.
my guitar is probably worn out by all the frustrated strumming i've been doing.
bleh.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
whitney houston for the soul
i know there's a place i have to go.
but no one told me just how to get there.
but when i get there i'll know.
--whitney houston [the cure for a bad day/week]
there's not much i can say except that the past two weeks have been extremely hard.
i haven't had a breakdown...yet. but it's only friday.
i just feel like i need a good thing to happen for me.
you know...good comes after the storm? or whatever the saying is.
man, it just feels like i've been going through the storm long enough...i'm ready for the good stuff.
in all honesty, i think that i'm a pretty strong individual for all the things that i'm going through, yet somehow i'm able to keep a smile on my face.
which brings me to the fact that the only reason i can keep a smile on my face is that the joy of the LORD is my strength.
it's seriously insane. i know i couldn't do it without him and i'm so glad that he loves me unconditionally.
that's all for now.
but no one told me just how to get there.
but when i get there i'll know.
--whitney houston [the cure for a bad day/week]
there's not much i can say except that the past two weeks have been extremely hard.
i haven't had a breakdown...yet. but it's only friday.
i just feel like i need a good thing to happen for me.
you know...good comes after the storm? or whatever the saying is.
man, it just feels like i've been going through the storm long enough...i'm ready for the good stuff.
in all honesty, i think that i'm a pretty strong individual for all the things that i'm going through, yet somehow i'm able to keep a smile on my face.
which brings me to the fact that the only reason i can keep a smile on my face is that the joy of the LORD is my strength.
it's seriously insane. i know i couldn't do it without him and i'm so glad that he loves me unconditionally.
that's all for now.
Monday, March 23, 2009
and so it begins.
i don't even know why i have a blog but i figure i'll want it someday and i kinda need to vent right now anyway.
for so long i've been praying that God break me and then mold me to be like him and fortunately it's happening. It's something i need but it's hurting so much. My problem is that i keep wanting to pretend that everything is going fine-that i'm strong enough to handle whatever comes my way, but truthfully, i feel overwhelmed and i just want to quit.
i have major senioritis right now and my heart just IS NOT in school right now. at this point all i want to do is know that i'm going to make it out of college alive. if i could do anything in the world, it would be acting. that's all i think i've ever wanted. i truly believe that i can impact the world doing that but i'm not sure if that's what God truly wants from me.
all this confusion has brought me to this breaking point. i know God is using it for his glory and that i will come out of it eventually, but for now it just looks as if there ain't no light at the end of the tunnel. but i will stay positive because the joy of the Lord is my strength.
phew.
for so long i've been praying that God break me and then mold me to be like him and fortunately it's happening. It's something i need but it's hurting so much. My problem is that i keep wanting to pretend that everything is going fine-that i'm strong enough to handle whatever comes my way, but truthfully, i feel overwhelmed and i just want to quit.
i have major senioritis right now and my heart just IS NOT in school right now. at this point all i want to do is know that i'm going to make it out of college alive. if i could do anything in the world, it would be acting. that's all i think i've ever wanted. i truly believe that i can impact the world doing that but i'm not sure if that's what God truly wants from me.
all this confusion has brought me to this breaking point. i know God is using it for his glory and that i will come out of it eventually, but for now it just looks as if there ain't no light at the end of the tunnel. but i will stay positive because the joy of the Lord is my strength.
phew.
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