today was a great day.
i spent all day in some baggy shorts and a TMZ shirt.
i worked on a song that i came up with last night.
the song changed three different times but the last change gave the song a BLUES-y feel and that's what I'm sticking to.
It felt so great to just be a musician for the day.
I pulled out my guitar a couple times and hammered out some chords and then i would just "tickle the ivories" and sometimes i would just sing as loud as i could-loving the musical beauty that God has given me.
I complain a lot about what musical talents I'm lacking but i truly love music.
it's crazy insane how much music affects me.
thank God for it though.
Matt Giraud has a song called Go On and Sing, Boy and there's a line in it that says:
"let the music bring you joy. cuz i know that down deep i was meant for this one thing. so come on baby why don't you sing?"
Seriously, a message can be brought to us in so many ways and this song just spoke to me the moment i heard it. (and at perfect timing too!)
anyway...I'm working on life. working real hard and i know that down deep i was meant for something great.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
in my head like a song on the radio.
everyday i try to remember that God has given me talents
and it's extremely hard to really understand what those talents are.
people tell me i have a good singing voice but all i can do is compare it to other people who are better than me.
my struggle really lies in using the gifts i have been given.
i know there is some special purpose God has for my gifts and talents and i know he doesn't want to see me letting them go to waste but I'm concerned that what I think are my talents are not necessarily my talents and that I'm overlooking a gift that God wants me to use.
it's really just a constant struggle i suppose.
I often think about how life would be different had one circumstance changed.
For instance, had I not gone to Biola.
or if I had a different roommate.
Or had I more aggressively pursued an acting career.
Sometimes i become engulfed in my potential life that I begin to either praise Jesus that I made the choice i did or become upset that I didn't choose something.
Obviously (if you've been paying attention) I'm more inclined to choose the latter.
I begin to regret decisions or try to make up for them in the "now" but rather than dwelling on the past, i need to look forward.
Only my future can be changed now, and if i walk in a manner worthy, I'm sure the things God has called me to will come to pass.
I'm a little discouraged about the future though.
For the longest, I've wanted to move to New York City after graduation and i had a rough outlined plan of making that happen.
It was exciting because i was hearing all these success stories of my friends moving there and loving being in the city and never really wanting to come back.
BUT lately-
of course, I keep hearing discouraging things about the whole situation.
I don't have a job there and a friend who just moved back to LA said she couldn't find a job so she HAD to come back.
now I'm having trouble seeing this as either a sign or a distraction by the devil to keep me from fulfilling my purpose.
I don't know.
too difficult to decide right now.
Anywho...Christmas was great!
I love seeing my extended family and being around all my cousins and aunts and uncles and random people that come to eat the BEST food that really ever has existed.
I'm also super excited for my new baby:
It's a Casio CDP-100. I have no idea what that means but it makes beautiful music and i LOVE it.
Anyway...I should probably sleep now. I haven't gotten much for the last few days. It's just hard for me to sleep when i feel like i have songs going through my head.
Goodnight my dearies.
and it's extremely hard to really understand what those talents are.
people tell me i have a good singing voice but all i can do is compare it to other people who are better than me.
my struggle really lies in using the gifts i have been given.
i know there is some special purpose God has for my gifts and talents and i know he doesn't want to see me letting them go to waste but I'm concerned that what I think are my talents are not necessarily my talents and that I'm overlooking a gift that God wants me to use.
it's really just a constant struggle i suppose.
I often think about how life would be different had one circumstance changed.
For instance, had I not gone to Biola.
or if I had a different roommate.
Or had I more aggressively pursued an acting career.
Sometimes i become engulfed in my potential life that I begin to either praise Jesus that I made the choice i did or become upset that I didn't choose something.
Obviously (if you've been paying attention) I'm more inclined to choose the latter.
I begin to regret decisions or try to make up for them in the "now" but rather than dwelling on the past, i need to look forward.
Only my future can be changed now, and if i walk in a manner worthy, I'm sure the things God has called me to will come to pass.
I'm a little discouraged about the future though.
For the longest, I've wanted to move to New York City after graduation and i had a rough outlined plan of making that happen.
It was exciting because i was hearing all these success stories of my friends moving there and loving being in the city and never really wanting to come back.
BUT lately-
of course, I keep hearing discouraging things about the whole situation.
I don't have a job there and a friend who just moved back to LA said she couldn't find a job so she HAD to come back.
now I'm having trouble seeing this as either a sign or a distraction by the devil to keep me from fulfilling my purpose.
I don't know.
too difficult to decide right now.
Anywho...Christmas was great!
I love seeing my extended family and being around all my cousins and aunts and uncles and random people that come to eat the BEST food that really ever has existed.
I'm also super excited for my new baby:
It's a Casio CDP-100. I have no idea what that means but it makes beautiful music and i LOVE it.
Anyway...I should probably sleep now. I haven't gotten much for the last few days. It's just hard for me to sleep when i feel like i have songs going through my head.
Goodnight my dearies.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
don't cry for me, argentina.
i really hate how short the last few posts have been but i have something coming.
i promise.
i promise.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.
the time has once again come.
life is hard.
it's a lot easier to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel having just come from "good".
i mean, the good can't last forever but fortunately neither can the bad.
which thankfully i am reminded of.
life is hard.
it's a lot easier to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel having just come from "good".
i mean, the good can't last forever but fortunately neither can the bad.
which thankfully i am reminded of.
Friday, December 11, 2009
this needs to be said
I LOVE GLEE!!!
with honestly everything in me...the show is like everything i could ever dream of.
dramatic, i know. but the show is soooo good.
with honestly everything in me...the show is like everything i could ever dream of.
dramatic, i know. but the show is soooo good.
Monday, December 7, 2009
wanna know a secret?
i pretend to hate the rain. (because i'm from the beach...it's sorta my civil duty).
but secretly...I LOVE IT!
but secretly...I LOVE IT!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
golly gee willickers
excuse me while i take a huge breath and let it out before i start this post.
okay. thanks.
Soooo...i wrote about my anger not too long ago and I'm realizing now that I've been going about things a little wrong.
sure, i realized my anger was affecting the way i handled situations but when it came to apologize, i still felt the need to criticize the way others handled their part in the situation.
Friends, let me tell you, when i get to thinking about how i can be better, it's usually really good but also not good.
it's good because i make a huge realization and come up with a way to change it.
it's not good because...i have to humble myself and change my behavior.
For me, that is NOT easy.
okay so here i am thinking about what I'm going to say to the guy that made me mad yesterday.
and of course I'm going to apologize but also I'm going to make him aware of what he did wrong too so that he, like me, will be able to learn from it and move on as a better person.
here's the problem, it is not my job to let him know what he is doing wrong.
i realize that as a Christian we are called to confront in love, but in my case, i think i would be doing it to keep from being so vulnerable. i wouldn't want to make myself open for judgment or even show that i was wrong.
that is wrong.
so i began thinking about how Jesus would approach this situation, then i remembered that he never needed to apologize because, oh wait...HE WAS PERFECT!
so then I'm like, well in the situation where someone wronged him, he would simply forgive the person.
there were people who wanted him killed in the most excruciating way possible, and he still forgave them.
okay. thanks.
Soooo...i wrote about my anger not too long ago and I'm realizing now that I've been going about things a little wrong.
sure, i realized my anger was affecting the way i handled situations but when it came to apologize, i still felt the need to criticize the way others handled their part in the situation.
Friends, let me tell you, when i get to thinking about how i can be better, it's usually really good but also not good.
it's good because i make a huge realization and come up with a way to change it.
it's not good because...i have to humble myself and change my behavior.
For me, that is NOT easy.
okay so here i am thinking about what I'm going to say to the guy that made me mad yesterday.
and of course I'm going to apologize but also I'm going to make him aware of what he did wrong too so that he, like me, will be able to learn from it and move on as a better person.
here's the problem, it is not my job to let him know what he is doing wrong.
i realize that as a Christian we are called to confront in love, but in my case, i think i would be doing it to keep from being so vulnerable. i wouldn't want to make myself open for judgment or even show that i was wrong.
that is wrong.
so i began thinking about how Jesus would approach this situation, then i remembered that he never needed to apologize because, oh wait...HE WAS PERFECT!
so then I'm like, well in the situation where someone wronged him, he would simply forgive the person.
there were people who wanted him killed in the most excruciating way possible, and he still forgave them.
then i remembered this song by India.Arie called Wings of Forgiveness where she says,"If Jesus can forgive crucifixion, surely I can survive and find a resolution."
ugh.
seriously, sometimes i just wish i could not reflect on things I've done and live a guilt-free life.
unfortunately, i was blessed with a HUGE, overbearing conscience and these wrongs must be righted.
can you hear the motors running in my head trying to come up with an excuse to not love my enemies?
anyway, we'll see how things go but I'm sure things will end up better than they started.
Jesus knows what he's talking about when he tells us to love one another just as God loves us. Eek!
seriously, sometimes i just wish i could not reflect on things I've done and live a guilt-free life.
unfortunately, i was blessed with a HUGE, overbearing conscience and these wrongs must be righted.
can you hear the motors running in my head trying to come up with an excuse to not love my enemies?
anyway, we'll see how things go but I'm sure things will end up better than they started.
Jesus knows what he's talking about when he tells us to love one another just as God loves us. Eek!
musical enhancements
I'm extremely proud of myself.
i finished my first song.
i have so many half-written songs in my journal and on my computer and on random pieces of paper but i finally completed a song.
and to make it even better, i recorded it!
the recording could be better but i feel good about the song.
it's about being hurt by love but still wanting it but also not being sure if it's even worth it to keep putting yourself out there.
i was inspired by one of my roommates: Kendall.
i think that's what made it a lot easier to write, because it wasn't my own pain so i didn't have to sift through different feelings.
although I'm not very good at it, i like writing songs.
it's extremely therapeutic and sometimes only like 2 lines come out but those 2 lines help get the feelings off my chest.
anyway--this isn't going to be a long post. just wanted to share the good news!
maybe I'll put it on YouTube...
i finished my first song.
i have so many half-written songs in my journal and on my computer and on random pieces of paper but i finally completed a song.
and to make it even better, i recorded it!
the recording could be better but i feel good about the song.
it's about being hurt by love but still wanting it but also not being sure if it's even worth it to keep putting yourself out there.
i was inspired by one of my roommates: Kendall.
i think that's what made it a lot easier to write, because it wasn't my own pain so i didn't have to sift through different feelings.
although I'm not very good at it, i like writing songs.
it's extremely therapeutic and sometimes only like 2 lines come out but those 2 lines help get the feelings off my chest.
anyway--this isn't going to be a long post. just wanted to share the good news!
maybe I'll put it on YouTube...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
tantrums and such...
i really wanted to think of a creative title for this post but nothing really came to me...
forgive me father for i have committed LOTS of sins.
what I'm really concerned about, though, is the anger I've been experiencing over the last two days.
don't get me wrong, i am NOT, by any means, an angry person.
honestly, i get mad, like really mad, probably every 2 or 3 years.
(i get my calm-ness from my dad...he doesn't let much upset him)
anyway, so I've gotten really angry over 2 things this week.
one was one of my roommates (the only one who isn't one of my friends) was caught stealing food and water from the rest of us.
she's rarely around but she does come to smoke weed with her boyfriend and have beer pong with her boyfriend's friends and apparently to eat our food.
okay so I'm not stingy and I'm cool if you ask to have some food but here's the situation:
situation #1
i bring back 3 tamales from thanksgiving break and put them in the freezer.
i take them out a few days ago to thaw-there are 3 still in there.
two days ago i go to eat them and there is one left.
i didn't eat them-i know my friends know the rules so I'm left to think that it's her.
so due to this i throw an all out tantrum.
i mean an all out tantrum.
I'm yelling, stomping around the house, slamming every door possible and finally i just put on some really loud screaming music.
all my roommates are laughing at the spectacle but i can't help but want to punch the food thief in the face. (fortunately she wasn't there or else I'm not sure i would have been able to keep myself from hitting her)
so to let her know how i feel, i leave a very angry note on her bed.
eventually (like 30 minutes later) i come to my senses and calm down and take the note back and realize that the situation could be handled better.
but still i regretted my actions and realized how ridiculous i was being.
situation #2
I'm in a small group communication class and we have a final project to get done.
i didn't go to ONE class and so my group is upset with me. (despite the fact that i pretty much do everything for the group anyway, and am basically the organizer and leader of the group, and all of them have missed more than one class and hardly pay attention during group meetings anyway)
so today i ask if we could move up a meeting time so that i can attend and i get two very rude text messages telling me that basically i don't get an opinion if i don't come to class.
so rather than being the bigger person and saying okay and moving on (which in retrospect obviously would have been a better choice), i feel the need to tell off the guy that sent me the text message. he responded with some immature comment that i didn't respond to.
so in both situations i could have been a lot more civil had i thought through what actually was happening. i don't know though.
i kind of regret the things i said, not because those people didn't deserve it but because I'm better than that. angry is NOT a good look on me and there really should be no room for it.
i guess i should apologize for my actions.
I'm still working on that part though. (what can i say, I'm not perfect!)
anyway...i spent about an hour making a crappy but kinda cool replica of the glee pictures but with MY picture. it's Saturday and that's what I'm doing...so cool.
i really like the song by Peter Gabriel called "In Your Eyes".
it's a super simple song but i love it.
forgive me father for i have committed LOTS of sins.
what I'm really concerned about, though, is the anger I've been experiencing over the last two days.
don't get me wrong, i am NOT, by any means, an angry person.
honestly, i get mad, like really mad, probably every 2 or 3 years.
(i get my calm-ness from my dad...he doesn't let much upset him)
anyway, so I've gotten really angry over 2 things this week.
one was one of my roommates (the only one who isn't one of my friends) was caught stealing food and water from the rest of us.
she's rarely around but she does come to smoke weed with her boyfriend and have beer pong with her boyfriend's friends and apparently to eat our food.
okay so I'm not stingy and I'm cool if you ask to have some food but here's the situation:
situation #1
i bring back 3 tamales from thanksgiving break and put them in the freezer.
i take them out a few days ago to thaw-there are 3 still in there.
two days ago i go to eat them and there is one left.
i didn't eat them-i know my friends know the rules so I'm left to think that it's her.
so due to this i throw an all out tantrum.
i mean an all out tantrum.
I'm yelling, stomping around the house, slamming every door possible and finally i just put on some really loud screaming music.
all my roommates are laughing at the spectacle but i can't help but want to punch the food thief in the face. (fortunately she wasn't there or else I'm not sure i would have been able to keep myself from hitting her)
so to let her know how i feel, i leave a very angry note on her bed.
eventually (like 30 minutes later) i come to my senses and calm down and take the note back and realize that the situation could be handled better.
but still i regretted my actions and realized how ridiculous i was being.
situation #2
I'm in a small group communication class and we have a final project to get done.
i didn't go to ONE class and so my group is upset with me. (despite the fact that i pretty much do everything for the group anyway, and am basically the organizer and leader of the group, and all of them have missed more than one class and hardly pay attention during group meetings anyway)
so today i ask if we could move up a meeting time so that i can attend and i get two very rude text messages telling me that basically i don't get an opinion if i don't come to class.
so rather than being the bigger person and saying okay and moving on (which in retrospect obviously would have been a better choice), i feel the need to tell off the guy that sent me the text message. he responded with some immature comment that i didn't respond to.
so in both situations i could have been a lot more civil had i thought through what actually was happening. i don't know though.
i kind of regret the things i said, not because those people didn't deserve it but because I'm better than that. angry is NOT a good look on me and there really should be no room for it.
i guess i should apologize for my actions.
I'm still working on that part though. (what can i say, I'm not perfect!)
anyway...i spent about an hour making a crappy but kinda cool replica of the glee pictures but with MY picture. it's Saturday and that's what I'm doing...so cool.
i really like the song by Peter Gabriel called "In Your Eyes".
it's a super simple song but i love it.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
"True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice."
- Samuel Johnston
i really should be sleeping right now seeing as though i haven't gotten more than 5 hours of sleep for the past few weeks and i have a really long day ahead of me.- Samuel Johnston
but really, since when do i choose responsibility over blogging?
i've tried so hard to get into the Christmas spirit lately but i can't seem to feel it.
maybe it's because i didn't do any early black friday shopping. or maybe it's because by the time Christmas comes around, i'll have no more school to do and will most likely be stressing about where to work, live and all those other stresses that come with being an adult.
i just gotta say that Beyonce is soo extremely talented.
everyday i've been driving to santa clarita for play rehearsals and while the drive is long, it gives me time to listen to so much music and entertain people that are stuck in traffic along with me.
i get so crazy when a good song comes on and today "get me bodied" by beyonce came on and i went crazy. i started thinking about when she performs that song and how incredible it is.
she's just REALLY good.
tonight we had a house meeting. just to talk about the plan for courts tomorrow but it ended up being a discussion about so many different experiences we've gone through. some reminiscing about the summer and how ridiculous it was. it was cool though because through this discussion i realized how much things have changed. reading my previous posts shows me all the provision God has shown me and makes me really see the progress im making in trying to be a better me. it's just so crazy.
anyway...i need sleep. i'm visiting a buddhist temple tomorrow. should be interesting.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
keep runnin' runnin' and runnin' runnin'
don't be fooled by the title.
I'm not in peak physical condition
I'm talking about my mind.
I've just been thinking A LOT.
my roommate and i have been discussing plans on moving to new york.
it's seems so crazy but i just feel so ready to do it.
I'm ready to go somewhere and be someone and do something i love.
it's so weird because my roommate and i were talking about if either of us were to get into a serious relationship would it stop us from moving?
and right now i can't see it but what if now is the time?woo...weird to think about-moving on.
i don't know.
i can definitely say that the feelings i have right now are feelings that i haven't felt in a really long time. (could i be any more vague?)
it's just that things are moving and if i don't start moving, I'm going to get left behind.
i know that i was made for bigger and better things and I'm so excited to see how God uses me.
I'm loving the changes I'm making and am so ready to be a grown up Sabrina.
this definitely didn't come out as eloquently as it was in my head but who gives?
all this mess to say that I'M HAPPY.
and i really like being happy.
I'm not in peak physical condition
I'm talking about my mind.
I've just been thinking A LOT.
my roommate and i have been discussing plans on moving to new york.
it's seems so crazy but i just feel so ready to do it.
I'm ready to go somewhere and be someone and do something i love.
it's so weird because my roommate and i were talking about if either of us were to get into a serious relationship would it stop us from moving?
and right now i can't see it but what if now is the time?woo...weird to think about-moving on.
i don't know.
i can definitely say that the feelings i have right now are feelings that i haven't felt in a really long time. (could i be any more vague?)
it's just that things are moving and if i don't start moving, I'm going to get left behind.
i know that i was made for bigger and better things and I'm so excited to see how God uses me.
I'm loving the changes I'm making and am so ready to be a grown up Sabrina.
this definitely didn't come out as eloquently as it was in my head but who gives?
all this mess to say that I'M HAPPY.
and i really like being happy.
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