in my head like a song on the radio.

everyday i try to remember that God has given me talents
and it's extremely hard to really understand what those talents are.
people tell me i have a good singing voice but all i can do is compare it to other people who are better than me.
my struggle really lies in using the gifts i have been given.
i know there is some special purpose God has for my gifts and talents and i know he doesn't want to see me letting them go to waste but I'm concerned that what I think are my talents are not necessarily my talents and that I'm overlooking a gift that God wants me to use.
it's really just a constant struggle i suppose.

I often think about how life would be different had one circumstance changed.
For instance, had I not gone to Biola.
or if I had a different roommate.
Or had I more aggressively pursued an acting career.
Sometimes i become engulfed in my potential life that I begin to either praise Jesus that I made the choice i did or become upset that I didn't choose something.
Obviously (if you've been paying attention) I'm more inclined to choose the latter.
I begin to regret decisions or try to make up for them in the "now" but rather than dwelling on the past, i need to look forward.
Only my future can be changed now, and if i walk in a manner worthy, I'm sure the things God has called me to will come to pass.

I'm a little discouraged about the future though.
For the longest, I've wanted to move to New York City after graduation and i had a rough outlined plan of making that happen.
It was exciting because i was hearing all these success stories of my friends moving there and loving being in the city and never really wanting to come back.
BUT lately-
of course, I keep hearing discouraging things about the whole situation.
I don't have a job there and a friend who just moved back to LA said she couldn't find a job so she HAD to come back.
now I'm having trouble seeing this as either a sign or a distraction by the devil to keep me from fulfilling my purpose.
I don't know.
too difficult to decide right now.

Anywho...Christmas was great!
I love seeing my extended family and being around all my cousins and aunts and uncles and random people that come to eat the BEST food that really ever has existed.
I'm also super excited for my new baby:
It's a Casio CDP-100. I have no idea what that means but it makes beautiful music and i LOVE it.
Anyway...I should probably sleep now. I haven't gotten much for the last few days. It's just hard for me to sleep when i feel like i have songs going through my head.
Goodnight my dearies.