closing.

i love/hate that my last two posts were about Little Shop of Horrors.
the show's over now, though, so i suppose this will be the last one.

re-reading my initial thoughts on the show and participation in it is weird.
although i now feel as though i was in my element, i definitely felt out of place for the majority of the show.
Up until the last 6 shows, my whole body would shake before i went on stage.
i was never sure if what i was doing was correct and i really felt like i was so ridiculously bad.
fortunately, i don't feel that way anymore.
not in the slightest.

honestly, i was good.
i was really good.

im so extremely proud of what i did and feel even more lucky that i get to do something that i love so much.
as actors, we get the special privilege of being able to do something we love as entertainment for others.
that's a feeling that really can't be put into words.

the overwhelming joy that i feel when someone comes up to me with tears in their eyes, telling me that the show was their late husband's favorite musical cannot be described.

im so incredibly grateful that i got to participate in the show and am even more thankful for all the amazing things i learned from doing it.
my cast was phenomenal, the crew was outstanding and the feeling was indescribable.

i can't wait until i do another show!

Mic tape is a b*tch to remove

never read the reviews before you perform.
lesson learned.
although maybe a lesson learned a little too late.

i walked into the dressing room feeling nervous as i always do before a show but excited to get to do something i love; when i hear some of the cast talking about a review written about the show.
We had gotten two great reviews already so i was surprised when everyone seemed to be up in arms and attacking the writer of the review.
Come to find out, the review was a little harsh, to say the least.
The writer attacked the direction, the set and the lack of talent (mine included).
He said that I had a poor voice and lack of attitude (which seems just ridiculous because what i lack in EVERYTHING ELSE i make up for in attitude)

My initial reading of the review made me feel like I had just gotten sucker punched in the stomach while everyone watched.
My feelings were hurt. Extremely hurt.

(Later i would find out that the writer has some sort of personal vendetta against the theatre and in reading other reviews he's done for other plays; he's just as unforgiving)

I gave myself 5 seconds in the bathroom to cry out my feelings and then returned to the dressing room.

What bothered me even more about the situation was that none of my cast mates would let me feel. They were all so quick to tell me not to take anything personal. They kept telling me not to think about it but the damage had already been done, and quite frankly, i wanted to feel upset.
I wanted to be allowed to have hurt feelings. He said i couldn't sing! Why couldn't i be a little upset?

SIDE NOTE: There are times, though, when i feel like i experience emotions in a deeper more aggressive way than most. (I attribute it to having acting in my blood but who knows). By having those overwhelming feelings, I sometimes seem like im schizophrenic or bipolar because my emotions will go from really happy to extremely depressed in a matter of seconds where a "normal person" (and i use that term loosely) would only move from mildly happy to sorta upset.

WHATEVER.
I know its not a complete thought but it's all i got for now.

In other news: I am getting extremely tired of living in Ventura.
All my friends are in the Los Angeles area and I feel like im missing out on it all simply because i hate that stupid hour and a half drive (2 hours with traffic).

if you talk to God everyday there's no way your life won't change.