1. PINTEREST JACKERS
Pinterest is amazing! I didn't realize how creative I am not until I joined this site. That being said, I think it's super cool that people are able to learn how to make things and pretend to be creative (a la me) because of this site. What I CAN'T STAND are people who take funny sayings/realizations off pinterest and post them as their facebook status. There's not much I dislike more than a joke jacker and Pinterest joke jacking may be the worst!
**AH! I'm just realizing now that I never posted my "joke jacking" blog because it was so pretentious sounding (sort of like this post). Anyway, I need to explain that joke jacking isn't just stealing someone's joke. It's stealing someone's joke and taking credit for it, and when people think it's funny, you don't offer the information that you didn't come up with it**
2. JAYRUNNERS
They're just like jaywalkers only they're running and they give you judgmental eyes because they're outside exercising and you are riding in a car. Congratulations Jayrunner, you're healthy and have great endurance. But also, congratulations to me; I just got 500 points for hitting a pedestrian.
use the crosswalk.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
So You Want to Date My Brother?
I'm considering becoming an advice columnist because of the success of my Rulebook post and things of the like. What I'm trying to say is basically that people listen to me and I'm awesome. The two may have a bearing on each other's success but that's not what we're here to talk about.
You're here because at some point in time you've seen my younger brother and are now infatuated, or you've met me and just KNEW that if I had a younger brother he'd be awesome and fascinating as well. Well, congratulations because today is your lucky day. This is my brother Jordan.
It's become very apparent that my brother is a hot ticket item as of late and many girls have been vying for his affection and trying to win his heart. Since this is (unfortunately but insanely) true, I have decided to share the secrets of winning his undying love, or at least coming close to maybe getting him to take you seriously.
2. On bikini pictures posted on facebook. Ladies, here's the deal, if you went to the beach and you took a bunch of pictures with your friends while having fun, I'm all for it. Pictures of fun times might be my favorite thing in the world, next to the sound of babies laughing but if you're posed in front of a mirror wearing nothing but a bikini and a camera flash reflection on your face more than, let's say, three times (I want to say once but I don't want to be too demanding), you're just not right for my brother, says me.
3. On spelling. I'm not asking you to know the spellings of every winning word from the national spelling bee over the last 10 years (would it kill you to look them up though?) I just want to know that you know there are 3 ways to spell there/their/they're and it would be fantastic if you knew when to use them. I'm not asking much, just that you know the basic skills that you would need to graduate from the 5th grade. If you have to type it out in Microsoft Word before you write it out, by all means, DO THAT.
4. On being friends with me: I have to know who you are, like you, and be close enough to you that being friends on facebook wouldn't be weird. But I don't want to know TOO much. So it's likely that if we're already good friends, it won't work out. When you're friends, you know about the bad stuff too. I can be friends with your bad stuff, I just don't want your bad stuff dating my brother.
5. On Halloween costumes: I'm not sure if you know this, but there are levels of slutty, and I, a girl, understand the desire and enjoyment of getting my seductress on for a fun Halloween (at least I used to, I'm reformed now). Still, there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. There are three main areas that are exposed during Halloween, the chest, the middle and the legs. If all 3 are bare, she's too slutty for you bro.
6. On aggression: My brother doesn't (and by that I mean I don't) like girls that are too forward. Plain and simple, being overly aggressive comes off as desperate. You don't have to comment on all his facebook pictures or like all of his statuses. Please. There's nothing I, I mean my brother, hates more than seeing the same little blue name all over, blowing up his facebook.
WARNING: Although none of the accuracy of the advice in this blog has been DIRECTLY given to me by, or even discussed with, my brother, I believe that if used in its entirety, your chances of dating will go from 0 to about 3%.<---That's probably not true either.
GOOD LUCK!
You're here because at some point in time you've seen my younger brother and are now infatuated, or you've met me and just KNEW that if I had a younger brother he'd be awesome and fascinating as well. Well, congratulations because today is your lucky day. This is my brother Jordan.
My brother and I are pretty close, so I have all the inside scoop and trust me, you'll want to take notes. So now, it gives me great pleasure (and by pleasure i mean complete disdain) to give you:
SO YOU WANT TO DATE MY BROTHER?
(6 quick articles on dating my brother)
1. On Jesus: This one is first because it is a NON-NEGOTIABLE. Therefore, if you don't love Jesus, you needn't apply.SO YOU WANT TO DATE MY BROTHER?
(6 quick articles on dating my brother)
2. On bikini pictures posted on facebook. Ladies, here's the deal, if you went to the beach and you took a bunch of pictures with your friends while having fun, I'm all for it. Pictures of fun times might be my favorite thing in the world, next to the sound of babies laughing but if you're posed in front of a mirror wearing nothing but a bikini and a camera flash reflection on your face more than, let's say, three times (I want to say once but I don't want to be too demanding), you're just not right for my brother, says me.
3. On spelling. I'm not asking you to know the spellings of every winning word from the national spelling bee over the last 10 years (would it kill you to look them up though?) I just want to know that you know there are 3 ways to spell there/their/they're and it would be fantastic if you knew when to use them. I'm not asking much, just that you know the basic skills that you would need to graduate from the 5th grade. If you have to type it out in Microsoft Word before you write it out, by all means, DO THAT.
4. On being friends with me: I have to know who you are, like you, and be close enough to you that being friends on facebook wouldn't be weird. But I don't want to know TOO much. So it's likely that if we're already good friends, it won't work out. When you're friends, you know about the bad stuff too. I can be friends with your bad stuff, I just don't want your bad stuff dating my brother.
5. On Halloween costumes: I'm not sure if you know this, but there are levels of slutty, and I, a girl, understand the desire and enjoyment of getting my seductress on for a fun Halloween (at least I used to, I'm reformed now). Still, there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. There are three main areas that are exposed during Halloween, the chest, the middle and the legs. If all 3 are bare, she's too slutty for you bro.
6. On aggression: My brother doesn't (and by that I mean I don't) like girls that are too forward. Plain and simple, being overly aggressive comes off as desperate. You don't have to comment on all his facebook pictures or like all of his statuses. Please. There's nothing I, I mean my brother, hates more than seeing the same little blue name all over, blowing up his facebook.
WARNING: Although none of the accuracy of the advice in this blog has been DIRECTLY given to me by, or even discussed with, my brother, I believe that if used in its entirety, your chances of dating will go from 0 to about 3%.<---That's probably not true either.
GOOD LUCK!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Declarations for a New Year
I was feeling really down today. Defeated and overwhelmed, disqualified and unworthy. So I took a break from work, went outside with a pen and a piece of paper and started writing. Honestly, I have no idea where these thoughts were coming from but it helped so much. I upchucked a whole bunch of thoughts onto a page and began affirming myself without even trying (or really even knowing it). Needless to say, I am proud of those words written. So now I shall allow them to enter an eternal digital existence.
I'm jealous of all those making their dreams come true. I don't want to force anything to happen but I guess sometimes you do just have to grab the bull by the horns (Thanks Jacob Amaro for reminding me of this last night). I don't want to live a passive life only to find out that everything's passed me by when I have the ability to do something. What I want is to live life largely (Edna: "Be careful what you wish for." -Gosh, I love Hairspray). But really, I just want to do the things I love because I love them, and I don't want to take no for an answer (Unless of course it's a "no" from God).
There's a feeling I have that tells me I was made for so much more than this (the DA's office, Ventura, 23 year old slump). I will not be brought down. I vow that on today, January 13, 2012 (Friday the 13th, no less) that all my decisions will be made out of confidence. Confidence in Jesus, confidence in myself and confidence in the fact that I can do whatever is put before me.
All I am is a girl created by an all powerful God that only wants what's best for me. I cannot put myself down because I have no right to do so. I have no right to put down something that I did not create. I may not put down the work of Christ. If someone puts me down, that's a problem they'll have to take up with my maker.
I choose not to believe anything said about me, except for those words declared by my God. I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. He sings life over me. He has created me for SUCH a time as this and I will not let any of this time be wasted. I'm chosen. He wants me. He chose me. He gifted me to sing. He gave me a passion for people, a passion for the hurting, a passion to worship, a passion to love and be loved. He gave me the knowledge to know that my life will not be average. I will live a victorious, large, insanely beautiful, Jesus filled life.
and I'm thankful for that.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. --Mae West
I'm jealous of all those making their dreams come true. I don't want to force anything to happen but I guess sometimes you do just have to grab the bull by the horns (Thanks Jacob Amaro for reminding me of this last night). I don't want to live a passive life only to find out that everything's passed me by when I have the ability to do something. What I want is to live life largely (Edna: "Be careful what you wish for." -Gosh, I love Hairspray). But really, I just want to do the things I love because I love them, and I don't want to take no for an answer (Unless of course it's a "no" from God).
There's a feeling I have that tells me I was made for so much more than this (the DA's office, Ventura, 23 year old slump). I will not be brought down. I vow that on today, January 13, 2012 (Friday the 13th, no less) that all my decisions will be made out of confidence. Confidence in Jesus, confidence in myself and confidence in the fact that I can do whatever is put before me.
All I am is a girl created by an all powerful God that only wants what's best for me. I cannot put myself down because I have no right to do so. I have no right to put down something that I did not create. I may not put down the work of Christ. If someone puts me down, that's a problem they'll have to take up with my maker.
I choose not to believe anything said about me, except for those words declared by my God. I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. He sings life over me. He has created me for SUCH a time as this and I will not let any of this time be wasted. I'm chosen. He wants me. He chose me. He gifted me to sing. He gave me a passion for people, a passion for the hurting, a passion to worship, a passion to love and be loved. He gave me the knowledge to know that my life will not be average. I will live a victorious, large, insanely beautiful, Jesus filled life.
and I'm thankful for that.
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