So You Want to Date My Brother?

I'm considering becoming an advice columnist because of the success of my Rulebook post and things of the like. What I'm trying to say is basically that people listen to me and I'm awesome. The two may have a bearing on each other's success but that's not what we're here to talk about.
You're here because at some point in time you've seen my younger brother and are now infatuated, or you've met me and just KNEW that if I had a younger brother he'd be awesome and fascinating as well. Well, congratulations because today is your lucky day. This is my brother Jordan.

It's become very apparent that my brother is a hot ticket item as of late and many girls have been vying for his affection and trying to win his heart. Since this is (unfortunately but insanely) true, I have decided to share the secrets of winning his undying love, or at least coming close to maybe getting him to take you seriously.

My brother and I are pretty close, so I have all the inside scoop and trust me, you'll want to take notes. So now, it gives me great pleasure (and by pleasure i mean complete disdain) to give you:

SO YOU WANT TO DATE MY BROTHER?
(6 quick articles on dating my brother)

1. On Jesus: This one is first because it is a NON-NEGOTIABLE. Therefore, if you don't love Jesus, you needn't apply.
2. On bikini pictures posted on facebook. Ladies, here's the deal, if you went to the beach and you took a bunch of pictures with your friends while having fun, I'm all for it. Pictures of fun times might be my favorite thing in the world, next to the sound of babies laughing but if you're posed in front of a mirror wearing nothing but a bikini and a camera flash reflection on your face more than, let's say, three times (I want to say once but I don't want to be too demanding), you're just not right for my brother, says me.
3. On spelling. I'm not asking you to know the spellings of every winning word from the national spelling bee over the last 10 years (would it kill you to look them up though?) I just want to know that you know there are 3 ways to spell there/their/they're and it would be fantastic if you knew when to use them. I'm not asking much, just that you know the basic skills that you would need to graduate from the 5th grade. If you have to type it out in Microsoft Word before you write it out, by all means, DO THAT.
4. On being friends with me: I have to know who you are, like you, and be close enough to you that being friends on facebook wouldn't be weird. But I don't want to know TOO much. So it's likely that if we're already good friends, it won't work out. When you're friends, you know about the bad stuff too. I can be friends with your bad stuff, I just don't want your bad stuff dating my brother.
5. On Halloween costumes: I'm not sure if you know this, but there are levels of slutty, and I, a girl, understand the desire and enjoyment of getting my seductress on for a fun Halloween (at least I used to, I'm reformed now). Still, there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. There are three main areas that are exposed during Halloween, the chest, the middle and the legs. If all 3 are bare, she's too slutty for you bro.
6. On aggression: My brother doesn't (and by that I mean I don't) like girls that are too forward. Plain and simple, being overly aggressive comes off as desperate. You don't have to comment on all his facebook pictures or like all of his statuses. Please. There's nothing I, I mean my brother, hates more than seeing the same little blue name all over, blowing up his facebook.

WARNING: Although none of the accuracy of the advice in this blog has been DIRECTLY given to me by, or even discussed with, my brother, I believe that if used in its entirety, your chances of dating will go from 0 to about 3%.<---That's probably not true either.
GOOD LUCK!