THIS IS IT

I love this song.
and I miss Michael Jackson.
and I'm mad that I won't get to ever see him perform live.
and I'm sad that he never got to actually COME BACK.
but this is it. and i guess i have to be okay with that.

Thank You For The Morning

I should be getting ready for my presentation for class right now but i just have a few things to say.
I think the majority of the time I or anyone blogs, it's the negative things that I feel simply because that's the kinda stuff you need to get off your chest but today i'm feeling really good. so i have some things to be thankful for (and kinda in lieu of November being so close...)

1. I am so so so thankful for my family and friends. they really love me (most of the time) and i know i can count on them regardless of the situation and they will be there for me.

2. The weather, although ridiculously unpredictable, has been exactly what i need every time. I love the heat with a little breeze. and i like the cold. and i love the rain. and oddly enough, i've seen all three during the past 3 weeks.

3. I am so thankful that I'm about to graduate. I'm super scared, yes. But i am getting so tired of doing homework all the time. It's lame and i'm ready to finish.

4. I love my haircut. Vain as it is--i really like it. My hairdresser did an outstanding job and i've missed my bob so much and it's good to have it back.

5. Mostly, I'm just thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. I'm so thankful that i get to wake up fresh and am allowed another day to praise God (even if I don't always take advantage of that allowance )

middle of the ocean

Trust: Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

This morning in the shower I was thinking, as I often do, about my future. Many thoughts about careers and living situations flooded my mind, but before I could let the stress of not having a plan take over, I simply thought...I'll just trust God with it.
"What a good plan!", I thought. Then I don't have to worry about anything. God's got it and I'll just follow right on down his path and everything will be easy as pie. I'll do everything he asks and I'll end up right where he wants me to be.
and then she lived happily ever after.
NOT!
If only I really could think and act that way.
Soon as I thought of trusting God, thoughts of neglect and huge sacrifice came to mind. Do I really trust God? Or is it simply a cop out for me to not stress and fool myself into thinking that God's gonna believe that I truly trust him.

So my thoughts led me to Peter in Matthew 14:22-33; when Jesus was walking on water and had Peter come out to meet him, ya know, in the middle of the ocean...without a boat!
I was thinking how, so often, I look at Peter and I'm like "Dude, why didn't you trust Jesus? He was right there!" then ohmygosh, I have my own AHA! moment (as Oprah calls it...).
Peter trusts God when he takes that first step onto the water. He sees Jesus standing in the MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN and is like "Ya know, I got this. I'm good." and for awhile he is good, but then he gets distracted. The reality of the situation takes hold of what was once full reliance on Christ, and instead of staying focused on what was keeping him up in the first place, he looks to other things and starts freaking out.

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've been in Peter's situation (not walking on water, but you catch my drift)...

It's so easy to look at Peter and judge and say things like "Pssh, Christ already proved he was trustworthy when you stepped out of the boat, so why, when things got rough, did you doubt him, ya crazy!?!" (loose translation)
but how many times have we done that EXACT SAME THING?

We step out of our figurative boats and begin the "trusting journey" where we see that things are working out the way God promised it would happen. He's proven his faithfulness and we're chillin' on the water in the middle of the ocean fully relying on God.
Of course we are, because at this point, things are easy.

• You have enough money to pay the rent and eat out a couple times this week.

• The medicine, the doctor gave your mom, is working and the sickness seems to be going away.
• You have a job offer ready for you when you graduate.
• You're enjoying living the single life and going out with your single friends.
  

Then the waves come.

• Money is tight and your car needs to be fixed but you can't afford to do that and pay rent.
• Your mom has an allergic reaction to the pills and is in the hospital because the doctors don't know what's wrong.
• The job is overseas where you know no one.
• The guy you were interested in, suddenly starts avoiding you for no reason at all and you have no idea why.

Where does that firm reliance go? What happened to the worry-free, believing-is-my-specialty, follower of Christ who was trusting in God so effortlessly.

waves happened.

Why is it that I can so easily look to God in the times where everything is going right and say "i know you've got everything under control"? But as soon as a little storm comes along, that trust simply disappears and all that's left is our fear and doubt that distracts us from what was holding us up all along.
As soon as Peter took his eyes off Jesus he began to sink.
We stop focusing on Christ and become distracted by the "wind and waves" of our lives and eventually begin to sink. We all do this. I, most definitely, do it and it's an unfortunate path to take.
Fortunately, my friends, the story doesn't end there.
Just as Peter is sinking in the ocean, he cries out "Lord, save me!"

"Lord, save me!"
Verse 31 says: "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him." Immediately.

Jesus doesn't lecture Peter about how he could have stayed on the water longer, or tell him how bad of a disciple he is. Rather, Jesus saves Peter. He didn't ask Peter to wear a dunce cap until he admitted what he did wrong. No. Peter called and Jesus came to his rescue.

This isn't an excuse to lose your way and then call on Jesus. But it is a call to action.
A call to be firm relyers(is that a word) on Christ.
We can rest in knowing and be thankful that if our flesh takes over, we can call on our maker and he will come to our rescue.
But I want to live a life where I trust God in a firm reliant fashion.

amen.

Thinking on a Sunday

here i am on the sabbath...thinking.
is it wrong? is it work? i really don't know but imma do it anyway.

i keep having to remind myself that i am so worth it.
YOU are so worth it.
nobody should be able to validate or invalidate who you are as a person.
no guy, no girl, no friend, no enemy, NO ONE!

it's unfortunate how easily we can let someone make us mad.
or make us feel like we don't matter or that something is wrong with us.
well friends, i'm here to say that i've been down that road of insecurity and granted, every once in awhile i feel an itchin' to go back down it but it brings nothing but more insecurity.
and no one likes an insecure person.
people just feel uncomfortable around you cuz you're not comfortable with yourself.
and if you don't like something about yourself..CHANGE IT!

i was watching Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married, the other day. (which i do often because i think it's one of Tyler Perry's best) but anyway, i was watching it and towards the end, Sheila, one of the women, is feeling completely broken. Her husband was cheating on her with one of her friends, he treated her like dirt and called her names, he left her with no money, no nothing for the other woman. So Sheila is working with this guy who tells her that she is strong and should be proud of herself for getting through what many people can't get through. She continues to put herself down because that's all she knows and the man she works with tells her she is worth it.

I can't tell you how many times I've cried at that point.
well actually i can, EVERY TIME.

anyway, it feels so much easier to beat ourselves up for what we don't have enough of, or have way too much of, so that we beat others to it.
that is not the way to live, my loves.
it's not.

now hold your head up high and start acting like you were made in the image of God...cuz you ARE!
how's that for an ego boost?

fearless

i know my friends are getting so annoyed with me cuz i have colbie caillat on repeat ALL THE TIME. but the cd is just SO good.
she really did it up this time.

so lately i've been looking for some acting opportunities because i really miss doing it. i love going to rehearsals and i love coming home tired and i love knowing that i have to do it again the next day. call me crazy but i just think that acting as work is in muh blood. i really think it is.
whatevs.
but anyway, so i've been looking for some acting opportunites and it seems like all the open calls happened like 2 weeks ago until today. like i JUST missed 'em. *frustrated sigh*
(is there any other genre of 'sigh'? i think generally, they're all frustrated...so maybe i should take the word out. but then this italicized, parenthtical converstaion would have no purpose, so i think i'll keep it)
I JUST WANT TO ACT.
i keep seeing and hearing of all these people who are doing things with their acting career and i really think that's what my passion is but uh hello...where are all the opportunites?
ya know? i heard that if it's what God wants for your life then he'll open doors. sooo...does he want me to do nothing?
i'm just a li'l confused yafeelme?

yeah.
anyway...that's all for now.

ack.
it's raining outside. and i love it.
it's just a tiny bit inconvenient when i JUST straightened my hair a few days ago and everywhere i walk my jeans get soaking wet.
lame-o.

i can hear it really coming down right now.
it's so fascinating, the rain.
it's crazy how so much of something so tiny can affect someone's mood.
i personally don't think i'm affected by it but for some it can bring you down.

Stop This Train by John Mayer

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

this song puts all my thoughts about my life up to now into words.
thank you John for this little beauty.

here's a link to listen to the song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BTzNX5OMN4