comeback kid

i've come to realize that one of the weirdest feelings for me is coming home from college. it's just crazy when you're away for a few months because when you return, everything seems to be completely different.
you're family seems different because they've continued life without you but in a different way because the situation has now changed..no you.

i've tried to pinpoint the feeling but i honestly can't.

someone told me that it's like trying to join a game of musical chairs once a few rounds have already been played. there really isn't room for you and if you do find a chair, you're changing things (the amount of people that get out in a round).
idk.

it's just weird.

on a completely different note, i've been trying to focus my frustrations into writing songs. and while my efforts have been successful in the music area, lyrics are lacking.
my guitar is probably worn out by all the frustrated strumming i've been doing.
bleh.

whitney houston for the soul

i know there's a place i have to go.
but no one told me just how to get there.
but when i get there i'll know.
--whitney houston [the cure for a bad day/week]

there's not much i can say except that the past two weeks have been extremely hard.
i haven't had a breakdown...yet. but it's only friday.
i just feel like i need a good thing to happen for me.
you know...good comes after the storm? or whatever the saying is.
man, it just feels like i've been going through the storm long enough...i'm ready for the good stuff.
in all honesty, i think that i'm a pretty strong individual for all the things that i'm going through, yet somehow i'm able to keep a smile on my face.
which brings me to the fact that the only reason i can keep a smile on my face is that the joy of the LORD is my strength.
it's seriously insane. i know i couldn't do it without him and i'm so glad that he loves me unconditionally.

that's all for now.

and so it begins.

i don't even know why i have a blog but i figure i'll want it someday and i kinda need to vent right now anyway.

for so long i've been praying that God break me and then mold me to be like him and fortunately it's happening. It's something i need but it's hurting so much. My problem is that i keep wanting to pretend that everything is going fine-that i'm strong enough to handle whatever comes my way, but truthfully, i feel overwhelmed and i just want to quit.

i have major senioritis right now and my heart just IS NOT in school right now. at this point all i want to do is know that i'm going to make it out of college alive. if i could do anything in the world, it would be acting. that's all i think i've ever wanted. i truly believe that i can impact the world doing that but i'm not sure if that's what God truly wants from me.

all this confusion has brought me to this breaking point. i know God is using it for his glory and that i will come out of it eventually, but for now it just looks as if there ain't no light at the end of the tunnel. but i will stay positive because the joy of the Lord is my strength.

phew.