first things first.
my friend told me about this amazing play called The Last Five Years and i am so blown away by the brilliance and authenticity of the music that i can't stop thinking about it.
every time i get in the car i start the same song called "See, I'm Smiling".
it's so well thought out in every way possible.
in the song she has an argument with her husband but you only hear her side and it's so brilliantly written that you can imagine exactly what he's saying to her.
it's just awe inspiring and i would LOVE to be able to actually see the show.
now for the nitty gritty.
so yesterday i auditioned for Cabrillo Music Theatre's production of Little Shop of Horrors.
i didn't really know what to expect because i had never auditioned there before and mostly because I'm still pretty new to the performing aspect of theatre.
anyway, i get to the audition, sign in, fill out the forms and do all the biznaz that i have to do.
no big deal.
then all of a sudden , like 5 beautiful, older, black women come in and start filling out their stuff and i realize that all of them have agents, nice head shots and extremely lengthy resumes.
already I'm intimidated.
(oh and i knew this was kind of a long shot before i even got to the audition because they were offering two admittances into AEA and it was for pay so...yeah)
finally I'm on deck waiting as the girl before me auditions.
i hear her start to sing and i just start cracking up.
not because she was bad...no.
but rather because as soon as she started singing i realized i was in WAY over my head and i knew there was NO WAY they would even have me back for callbacks.
so it was cool...because i knew that this was now just practice.
anyway-i go in there the accompanist starts playing (which i almost just didn't even sing because he was SO good and kinda hot too)
i forgot some of the words and they had to help me and at one point i felt like they almost felt sorry for me like those people on american idol who think they're good when in reality they're horrible.
so it was over. he said thanks and that they'd be making their decision within the next two days which is theatre code for "we don't wanna hurt your feelings so nice try but yeah right".
i walked out feeling a little disappointed that i had chosen a song so out of my range but knowing that it wouldn't have mattered.
on my drive home i pretended like cameras were following me and that i had just been denied on american idol and i did a little speech and that was fun (because i like to pretend even when I'm by myself-which i think makes me a better actress but whatevs.)
then all of a sudden a MILLION doubts started flooding my mind.
doubts like: i really CAN'T sing and I'll never make it. i started thinking that i wasn't good at ANYTHING. I'm a mediocre singer and dancer and maybe i think I'm a good actress simply because i haven't tried it professionally and have therefore not been rejected.
so many things came to mind some true some straight from the pit of hell.
that's when i realized something that i think is actually extremely helpful.
the feeling of disappointment will never go away as long as i live.
i will get rejected from things FOREVER and i can't keep the hurt from coming.
i also know that the doubts will always come after rejection.
it was so interesting how quickly they came.
after months of my director telling me that i would be great in another show she's doing and my dance teacher giving me more difficult tasks because she thinks i can dance and all the building of an ego that can happen, as soon as i got one rejection, i felt like i sucked at EVERYTHING.
i mean everything.
i started attacking my intelligence and things that are completely irrelevant to the acting profession, you know what i mean.
i know it's cheesy but
michael jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
walt disney was fired from a newspaper because he lacked imagination and good ideas.
lucille ball was told to try any other profession EXCEPT for acting.
anyway, i realized that after those doubts come, as long as I'm able to jump from the pain and hurt and realize that only growth can happen from there, I'm golden.
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