This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need
What you need, what you need...
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...
--One Republic
Monday, December 13, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Christmas List
it's lame but i like to make it. i'll keep adding.
so what. who cares.
1. Wii
2. Eat. Pray. Love. (movie)
3. This is It (movie)
4. Disneyland Annual Pass
5. tickets to see Next to Normal (play)
6. Inception (movie)
7. Glee Season 1 (the whole season)
8. Workout gear (shoes, pants, sports bras, shirts)
9. Snuggie
10. Macbook Pro
11. Dresser (the kind you put clothes in)
12. a cute thing to put my jewelry on (for necklaces, earrings and rings)
13. gym membership
14. Five-finger half gloves (in red, black or sparkly gold leather) just like the ones in the picture
so what. who cares.
1. Wii
2. Eat. Pray. Love. (movie)
3. This is It (movie)
4. Disneyland Annual Pass
5. tickets to see Next to Normal (play)
6. Inception (movie)
7. Glee Season 1 (the whole season)
8. Workout gear (shoes, pants, sports bras, shirts)
9. Snuggie
10. Macbook Pro
11. Dresser (the kind you put clothes in)
12. a cute thing to put my jewelry on (for necklaces, earrings and rings)
13. gym membership
14. Five-finger half gloves (in red, black or sparkly gold leather) just like the ones in the picture
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
emptiness.
loneliness.
senselessness.
worthlessness.
meaninglessness.
"something's missing. but i don't how to fix it. something's missing. and i don't know what is."
--john mayer
senselessness.
worthlessness.
meaninglessness.
"something's missing. but i don't how to fix it. something's missing. and i don't know what is."
--john mayer
Sunday, October 31, 2010
closing.
i love/hate that my last two posts were about Little Shop of Horrors.
the show's over now, though, so i suppose this will be the last one.
re-reading my initial thoughts on the show and participation in it is weird.
although i now feel as though i was in my element, i definitely felt out of place for the majority of the show.
Up until the last 6 shows, my whole body would shake before i went on stage.
i was never sure if what i was doing was correct and i really felt like i was so ridiculously bad.
fortunately, i don't feel that way anymore.
not in the slightest.
honestly, i was good.
i was really good.
im so extremely proud of what i did and feel even more lucky that i get to do something that i love so much.
as actors, we get the special privilege of being able to do something we love as entertainment for others.
that's a feeling that really can't be put into words.
the overwhelming joy that i feel when someone comes up to me with tears in their eyes, telling me that the show was their late husband's favorite musical cannot be described.
im so incredibly grateful that i got to participate in the show and am even more thankful for all the amazing things i learned from doing it.
my cast was phenomenal, the crew was outstanding and the feeling was indescribable.
i can't wait until i do another show!
the show's over now, though, so i suppose this will be the last one.
re-reading my initial thoughts on the show and participation in it is weird.
although i now feel as though i was in my element, i definitely felt out of place for the majority of the show.
Up until the last 6 shows, my whole body would shake before i went on stage.
i was never sure if what i was doing was correct and i really felt like i was so ridiculously bad.
fortunately, i don't feel that way anymore.
not in the slightest.
honestly, i was good.
i was really good.
im so extremely proud of what i did and feel even more lucky that i get to do something that i love so much.
as actors, we get the special privilege of being able to do something we love as entertainment for others.
that's a feeling that really can't be put into words.
the overwhelming joy that i feel when someone comes up to me with tears in their eyes, telling me that the show was their late husband's favorite musical cannot be described.
im so incredibly grateful that i got to participate in the show and am even more thankful for all the amazing things i learned from doing it.
my cast was phenomenal, the crew was outstanding and the feeling was indescribable.
i can't wait until i do another show!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Mic tape is a b*tch to remove
never read the reviews before you perform.
lesson learned.
although maybe a lesson learned a little too late.
i walked into the dressing room feeling nervous as i always do before a show but excited to get to do something i love; when i hear some of the cast talking about a review written about the show.
We had gotten two great reviews already so i was surprised when everyone seemed to be up in arms and attacking the writer of the review.
Come to find out, the review was a little harsh, to say the least.
The writer attacked the direction, the set and the lack of talent (mine included).
He said that I had a poor voice and lack of attitude (which seems just ridiculous because what i lack in EVERYTHING ELSE i make up for in attitude)
My initial reading of the review made me feel like I had just gotten sucker punched in the stomach while everyone watched.
My feelings were hurt. Extremely hurt.
(Later i would find out that the writer has some sort of personal vendetta against the theatre and in reading other reviews he's done for other plays; he's just as unforgiving)
I gave myself 5 seconds in the bathroom to cry out my feelings and then returned to the dressing room.
What bothered me even more about the situation was that none of my cast mates would let me feel. They were all so quick to tell me not to take anything personal. They kept telling me not to think about it but the damage had already been done, and quite frankly, i wanted to feel upset.
I wanted to be allowed to have hurt feelings. He said i couldn't sing! Why couldn't i be a little upset?
SIDE NOTE: There are times, though, when i feel like i experience emotions in a deeper more aggressive way than most. (I attribute it to having acting in my blood but who knows). By having those overwhelming feelings, I sometimes seem like im schizophrenic or bipolar because my emotions will go from really happy to extremely depressed in a matter of seconds where a "normal person" (and i use that term loosely) would only move from mildly happy to sorta upset.
WHATEVER.
I know its not a complete thought but it's all i got for now.
In other news: I am getting extremely tired of living in Ventura.
All my friends are in the Los Angeles area and I feel like im missing out on it all simply because i hate that stupid hour and a half drive (2 hours with traffic).
lesson learned.
although maybe a lesson learned a little too late.
i walked into the dressing room feeling nervous as i always do before a show but excited to get to do something i love; when i hear some of the cast talking about a review written about the show.
We had gotten two great reviews already so i was surprised when everyone seemed to be up in arms and attacking the writer of the review.
Come to find out, the review was a little harsh, to say the least.
The writer attacked the direction, the set and the lack of talent (mine included).
He said that I had a poor voice and lack of attitude (which seems just ridiculous because what i lack in EVERYTHING ELSE i make up for in attitude)
My initial reading of the review made me feel like I had just gotten sucker punched in the stomach while everyone watched.
My feelings were hurt. Extremely hurt.
(Later i would find out that the writer has some sort of personal vendetta against the theatre and in reading other reviews he's done for other plays; he's just as unforgiving)
I gave myself 5 seconds in the bathroom to cry out my feelings and then returned to the dressing room.
What bothered me even more about the situation was that none of my cast mates would let me feel. They were all so quick to tell me not to take anything personal. They kept telling me not to think about it but the damage had already been done, and quite frankly, i wanted to feel upset.
I wanted to be allowed to have hurt feelings. He said i couldn't sing! Why couldn't i be a little upset?
SIDE NOTE: There are times, though, when i feel like i experience emotions in a deeper more aggressive way than most. (I attribute it to having acting in my blood but who knows). By having those overwhelming feelings, I sometimes seem like im schizophrenic or bipolar because my emotions will go from really happy to extremely depressed in a matter of seconds where a "normal person" (and i use that term loosely) would only move from mildly happy to sorta upset.
WHATEVER.
I know its not a complete thought but it's all i got for now.
In other news: I am getting extremely tired of living in Ventura.
All my friends are in the Los Angeles area and I feel like im missing out on it all simply because i hate that stupid hour and a half drive (2 hours with traffic).
Friday, October 1, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
nope da doo
WARNING: i apologize for the horrible writing/formatting/style of this post.
it's kinda just an unorganized rant of how im feeling at the moment and i don't want to ruin the raw-ness of it by editing.
It's been a long while since I've seen the likes of a post with words that isn't from 3 months ago.
I've come to blog a few times recently but when the time comes to begin writing, my words fail me.
but i've begun a new theatre expedition and i think that is what has gotten my creative juices flowing.
so here are some words...FINALLY.
As previously stated, i have a begun a theatre venture.
I am Chiffon in Little Shop of Horrors at the Canyon Theatre Guild.
Although I'm working with the same director at the same place with a few people from the old cast EVERYTHING is different.
In High School Musical i felt like my talent was being lost in a crowd of mediocrity.
High School students who were further along than i was at that age at realizing their love for theatre but who still hadn't completely grown into their potential. (no offense to anyone from that show i love you all!)
but in this show i feel so completely lost.
i feel like the weak link because everyone is so INCREDIBLY talented.
it will no doubt take me a while to be able to accept the fact that i was CHOSEN for this role.
i didn't luck out. the directors liked me and believed that i would help in the show's success.
although every time i have to sing a solo in front of the group i feel like im going to pass out (not to mention every body part shakes, my hands sweat, my face gets hot and i want to throw up) i understand that this is going to be a HUGE learning experience for me and i think the cast has already adopted me as the little sister because i not only look like a child but this is only my 3rd show in LIFE.
i did feel slightly redeemed after i sang the skid row solo and one of the girls came up to me afterwards to tell me that i had a beautiful, soulful voice and she loved listening to me sing.
it felt good but i still feel like a total dud.
im working on it.
it's kinda just an unorganized rant of how im feeling at the moment and i don't want to ruin the raw-ness of it by editing.
It's been a long while since I've seen the likes of a post with words that isn't from 3 months ago.
I've come to blog a few times recently but when the time comes to begin writing, my words fail me.
but i've begun a new theatre expedition and i think that is what has gotten my creative juices flowing.
so here are some words...FINALLY.
As previously stated, i have a begun a theatre venture.
I am Chiffon in Little Shop of Horrors at the Canyon Theatre Guild.
Although I'm working with the same director at the same place with a few people from the old cast EVERYTHING is different.
In High School Musical i felt like my talent was being lost in a crowd of mediocrity.
High School students who were further along than i was at that age at realizing their love for theatre but who still hadn't completely grown into their potential. (no offense to anyone from that show i love you all!)
but in this show i feel so completely lost.
i feel like the weak link because everyone is so INCREDIBLY talented.
it will no doubt take me a while to be able to accept the fact that i was CHOSEN for this role.
i didn't luck out. the directors liked me and believed that i would help in the show's success.
although every time i have to sing a solo in front of the group i feel like im going to pass out (not to mention every body part shakes, my hands sweat, my face gets hot and i want to throw up) i understand that this is going to be a HUGE learning experience for me and i think the cast has already adopted me as the little sister because i not only look like a child but this is only my 3rd show in LIFE.
i did feel slightly redeemed after i sang the skid row solo and one of the girls came up to me afterwards to tell me that i had a beautiful, soulful voice and she loved listening to me sing.
it felt good but i still feel like a total dud.
im working on it.
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