In His Hands

I give this day over to Christ.
For probably the past 22 years I've not been doing that and I think that is the source of really all my issues.
By thinking that I have control of the day, I am fooling myself into thinking that this life belongs to me; when in fact it does not.

I read Job last night and admittedly I chose it because i need a job so I figured maybe it could be some kind of representation or something.
Not so.
BUT I needed to read it nonetheless.
After I finished the first chapter I began to cry.
I felt almost convicted by Job's faithfulness in spite of all the terrible things that happened to him.
That's one of the great things about the Bible, though, is that no matter how many times I read it, I can find a different meaning or significance in the same passage.
So here's to being a Job.
I want that unfailing faithfulness to define my life.
I want God to look at me as a servant of God that would never cease to praise him despite any trials that come my way.

P.S. I just experienced incredible healing. My stomach was hurting MAJORLY so I laid hands on it and spoke healing over it in the name of Jesus and the pain went away instantly. I am so impressed with the power of God, always.

auld lang syne

I cannot believe it's already 2011. 2010 was really a great year for me. I grew so much, I learned so much and I achieved so much.
I graduated from college, performed in 2 plays and even was a lead in one of those.
Needless to say (well not necessary needless but...) I'm THANKFUL. so extremely thankful.

Here's a list I came up with on Twitter.
Things I learned in 2010:
1. I'd be completely fine if the only 3 channels my tv got were: Bravo, E! and TLC.
2. Being famous on YouTube is a legitimate career.
3. I'm not as good at parallel parking as I thought I was.
4. I don't like it when the cashier at the grocery store calls me Ms. Anderson.
5. I can't dance.
6. I'm really indecisive when it comes to the big things.
7. I am a reality TV junkie.
8. I forever will have to, some way, be involved with theatre.
9. My room doesn't stay clean for more than 3 days.
10. Cerebral Palsy is the sexiest of the palsy's.
11. My biggest pet peeve is when people are extremely flaky.
12. Student loans suck.
13. Boots make any outfit look like you actually tried.
14. Leggings = BLISS.
15. I hate when pregnant people wear bikinis. Naked pregnant bellies gross me out.
16. You can't party with a boyfriend.
17. Lame is not a word in the iPhone's auto-dictionary.
18. Andy Bernard (from The Office) is my dream man.
19. A year goes by way too fast.
20. I like meat with my champagne.

Also, I don't like making resolutions but here are some things i would like to start doing/accomplishing this year. It's an unfinished list but...

1. I want to start calling people sweetie or honey
2. I want to ACTUALLY pursue my dreams.
3. I want to move out of California.

Jesus.

Starting 2011 the right way.

Don't have it your way

Over the last 3 months i've had multiple realizations; mini epiphanies if you will.
God has smacked me over the head quite a bit and sometimes i listened, often i did not.

my most recent encounter, taught me to be grateful for the gift of not receiving.
I often pray (sometimes beg and plead) that God will do or give or provide me with certain things in my life that I believe I NEED.
And for the most part, it's usually an earnest plea. I most always truly believe that I need those things.
BUT what God has been teaching me is that i don't need what he hasn't given me.
I frequently thank God for the blessings he has overwhelmed my life with but for some reason, my human flesh always wants more.
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think of myself as a spoiled, greedy Christian that's always asking God for things; I pride myself on my thankfulness. But i do find myself almost doubting that God is answering or even listening to what im asking for.
What i love about my God, though, is that he likes to send me little reminders that he's still there. Most of the time when i get these reminders, i end up feeling pretty silly for ever having doubted Him.

A number of times we think that God doesn't necessarily want us to be happy or that he isn't concerned with our happiness because he does not give us the things that we think will accomplish that.
But in reality, God wants our ULTIMATE happiness and therefore doesn't give into momentary "necessities".
Rather he looks at the big picture and plans according to an ultimate joy.

Here I am at 22 years of age, and im finally starting to mature.
Did i really pray: Thank you God for not letting me have my way?
i did.
and as far as i'm concerned I never want things to go my way, i want things to go His way.
ALWAYS.

Stop and Stare

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see...

--One Republic

Christmas List

it's lame but i like to make it. i'll keep adding.
so what. who cares.

1. Wii
2. Eat. Pray. Love. (movie)
3. This is It (movie)
4. Disneyland Annual Pass
5. tickets to see Next to Normal (play)
6. Inception (movie)
7. Glee Season 1 (the whole season)
8. Workout gear (shoes, pants, sports bras, shirts)
9. Snuggie
10. Macbook Pro
11. Dresser (the kind you put clothes in)
12. a cute thing to put my jewelry on (for necklaces, earrings and rings)
13. gym membership
14. Five-finger half gloves (in red, black or sparkly gold leather) just like the ones in the picture

emptiness.

loneliness.
senselessness.
worthlessness.
meaninglessness.

"something's missing. but i don't how to fix it. something's missing. and i don't know what is."
--john mayer