Christmas List

it's lame but i like to make it. i'll keep adding.
so what. who cares.

1. Wii
2. Eat. Pray. Love. (movie)
3. This is It (movie)
4. Disneyland Annual Pass
5. tickets to see Next to Normal (play)
6. Inception (movie)
7. Glee Season 1 (the whole season)
8. Workout gear (shoes, pants, sports bras, shirts)
9. Snuggie
10. Macbook Pro
11. Dresser (the kind you put clothes in)
12. a cute thing to put my jewelry on (for necklaces, earrings and rings)
13. gym membership
14. Five-finger half gloves (in red, black or sparkly gold leather) just like the ones in the picture

emptiness.

loneliness.
senselessness.
worthlessness.
meaninglessness.

"something's missing. but i don't how to fix it. something's missing. and i don't know what is."
--john mayer

closing.

i love/hate that my last two posts were about Little Shop of Horrors.
the show's over now, though, so i suppose this will be the last one.

re-reading my initial thoughts on the show and participation in it is weird.
although i now feel as though i was in my element, i definitely felt out of place for the majority of the show.
Up until the last 6 shows, my whole body would shake before i went on stage.
i was never sure if what i was doing was correct and i really felt like i was so ridiculously bad.
fortunately, i don't feel that way anymore.
not in the slightest.

honestly, i was good.
i was really good.

im so extremely proud of what i did and feel even more lucky that i get to do something that i love so much.
as actors, we get the special privilege of being able to do something we love as entertainment for others.
that's a feeling that really can't be put into words.

the overwhelming joy that i feel when someone comes up to me with tears in their eyes, telling me that the show was their late husband's favorite musical cannot be described.

im so incredibly grateful that i got to participate in the show and am even more thankful for all the amazing things i learned from doing it.
my cast was phenomenal, the crew was outstanding and the feeling was indescribable.

i can't wait until i do another show!

Mic tape is a b*tch to remove

never read the reviews before you perform.
lesson learned.
although maybe a lesson learned a little too late.

i walked into the dressing room feeling nervous as i always do before a show but excited to get to do something i love; when i hear some of the cast talking about a review written about the show.
We had gotten two great reviews already so i was surprised when everyone seemed to be up in arms and attacking the writer of the review.
Come to find out, the review was a little harsh, to say the least.
The writer attacked the direction, the set and the lack of talent (mine included).
He said that I had a poor voice and lack of attitude (which seems just ridiculous because what i lack in EVERYTHING ELSE i make up for in attitude)

My initial reading of the review made me feel like I had just gotten sucker punched in the stomach while everyone watched.
My feelings were hurt. Extremely hurt.

(Later i would find out that the writer has some sort of personal vendetta against the theatre and in reading other reviews he's done for other plays; he's just as unforgiving)

I gave myself 5 seconds in the bathroom to cry out my feelings and then returned to the dressing room.

What bothered me even more about the situation was that none of my cast mates would let me feel. They were all so quick to tell me not to take anything personal. They kept telling me not to think about it but the damage had already been done, and quite frankly, i wanted to feel upset.
I wanted to be allowed to have hurt feelings. He said i couldn't sing! Why couldn't i be a little upset?

SIDE NOTE: There are times, though, when i feel like i experience emotions in a deeper more aggressive way than most. (I attribute it to having acting in my blood but who knows). By having those overwhelming feelings, I sometimes seem like im schizophrenic or bipolar because my emotions will go from really happy to extremely depressed in a matter of seconds where a "normal person" (and i use that term loosely) would only move from mildly happy to sorta upset.

WHATEVER.
I know its not a complete thought but it's all i got for now.

In other news: I am getting extremely tired of living in Ventura.
All my friends are in the Los Angeles area and I feel like im missing out on it all simply because i hate that stupid hour and a half drive (2 hours with traffic).

if you talk to God everyday there's no way your life won't change.

nope da doo

WARNING: i apologize for the horrible writing/formatting/style of this post.
it's kinda just an unorganized rant of how im feeling at the moment and i don't want to ruin the raw-ness of it by editing.

It's been a long while since I've seen the likes of a post with words that isn't from 3 months ago.
I've come to blog a few times recently but when the time comes to begin writing, my words fail me.
but i've begun a new theatre expedition and i think that is what has gotten my creative juices flowing.
so here are some words...FINALLY.

As previously stated, i have a begun a theatre venture.
I am Chiffon in Little Shop of Horrors at the Canyon Theatre Guild.
Although I'm working with the same director at the same place with a few people from the old cast EVERYTHING is different.
In High School Musical i felt like my talent was being lost in a crowd of mediocrity.
High School students who were further along than i was at that age at realizing their love for theatre but who still hadn't completely grown into their potential. (no offense to anyone from that show i love you all!)
but in this show i feel so completely lost.
i feel like the weak link because everyone is so INCREDIBLY talented.
it will no doubt take me a while to be able to accept the fact that i was CHOSEN for this role.
i didn't luck out. the directors liked me and believed that i would help in the show's success.

although every time i have to sing a solo in front of the group i feel like im going to pass out (not to mention every body part shakes, my hands sweat, my face gets hot and i want to throw up) i understand that this is going to be a HUGE learning experience for me and i think the cast has already adopted me as the little sister because i not only look like a child but this is only my 3rd show in LIFE.

i did feel slightly redeemed after i sang the skid row solo and one of the girls came up to me afterwards to tell me that i had a beautiful, soulful voice and she loved listening to me sing.
it felt good but i still feel like a total dud.
im working on it.

God is Good and so is the New Drake CD

...well good in a different kind of way.

crap.
i had this really great idea for a blog based on this book i read. i just finished it a couple of days ago.
it's called Imaginary Jesus by Matt Mikalatos.
it was crazy good.
like literally, life altering good.

i don't think I've ever felt that way about a book before. let alone a Christian book!
(not that Christian books are bad or anything but i have a hard time relating to cheesy books that tell me to "court" rather than date and other things of the sort)
but this book wasn't about dating (or not dating).
it was written like a novel in order to help me "find Jesus" so to speak.
anyway...i borrowed it from my job and then returned it without getting all the little quotes i wanted (all i have are page numbers).
whatever. just read the book yourself.
it's kind of amazing.

as for Father's day.
i didn't get to do anything super special because i had to work all day but i did get to spend time with my family.
they're pretty great.
i was sitting in Joe's Crab Shack with them arguing, laughing, making fun of each other and making bets.
i honestly couldn't ask for a better set.

my mother...although I'll deny it until I'm dead, she seriously gave me ALL of her personality.
we're exactly the same person. i understand her and i like to make her mad just to watch her get angry but it's cuz i love her so much. I'm EXTREMELY lucky that i have a mom who i can tell anything to. she's my friend and i know it's not that way for a lot of people and I'm super thankful for her.

my brother...he's freaking hilarious. i don't know when he all of a sudden became someone i actually like being around but I'm so glad it happened. he still bugs me (in true little brother fashion) but he knows how to make me laugh and i couldn't have been blessed with a better sibling to get in trouble with.

my father...homeboy should be getting a BUTTload of jewels in his crown when he gets to heaven for being able to put up with me. I'm loud, and sarcastic, and messy but he loves me like no other. he's dorky and i love it. he treats me like the daddy's girl that i am and knows how to calm me down when i get all crazy and i love him more than words can express. i am so so so BLESSED to have him as my daddy and am so glad i could celebrate him today.I've had a few epiphanies/Jesus smacking me over the head with things i should have realized a long time ago.
But those are for another time.