WRITE IT OUT

I wrote a letter yesterday to myself as if I were to have written in 10 years ago. Some names have been censored to protect the innocent. Enjoy.

February 21, 2003

Dear Future Sabrina,

Teehee. It’s so weird to think that you’re going to be reading this! All I have to say is: you’re so lucky! You’re going to be 25 which means you probably live in your own really cool house and have a really hot husband. Hopefully. I don’t know about the boy department now because I’m more of the friend-girl. I mean, I don’t really care all that much, because I like hanging out with my friends but it would be kind of fun to have a boyfriend. Oh my gosh, it’s freaky to even think about! Whatever, I hope you’re enjoying your life.

Let’s see, what am I up to these days? Well, I’m a freshman in high school, but I’m almost done. I only have one more quarter after this and I’ll finally be out of the bottom. Ugh, oh my gosh, I just thought about the fact that you can DRIVE! How is it? I bet it’s the best. Sometimes I hate having to be dropped off places or even worse, having to take the bus! I hate it! There are NO cute boys to talk to and none of my friends take the bus I take! Stupid R*** and J*** are moving away soon so I won’t even have them to talk to or pretend to talk to. I’ll have to listen to all the crazy kids who, like drink and party, talk about their weekends where all they did was do bad stuff. I don’t do any of that stuff. I really want a “true love waits” purity ring because I’m going to stay a virgin until I’m married, I’m never going to drink or do drugs or smoke or do any of that bad stuff because I love God and I want to be obedient to him.

So what’s your life like? Well obviously you can’t answer me back so I’ll write what I imagine your life to be. I definitely think you, well I, have a really cool life. I’m sure I’m married, maybe pregnant, you have your master’s degree and I am working on becoming the boss for wherever I work. Do I end up marrying S****? I kind of hope so, and I actually feel like we would be perfect for each other. He’s nice and cute and well, he isn’t very nice but he’s nice enough and even though I haven’t seen him in awhile, I think we would work. I’m going to imagine that’s what happened. Sabrina A*****. I always used to write that name in my notebooks so it’s funny (though it makes sense) that that’s the name you (I) end up with. I’m sure I’ve seen Justin Timberlake a million times in concert and he probably fell in love with me because evil Britney Spears broke his heart. Yeah, that probably happened, teehee.

Is Jordan still really annoying? He probably is because I’m pretty sure it’s the purpose of brothers to be annoying to their sisters. I guess I kind of lucked out with my brother though. He’s not as annoying as he could be. He never tries to read my diary or fart on me nor does any gross brother stuff. I am pretty lucky (he’s still annoying though). He’s way better than B*** or S**; maybe not better than L*** or N***. Oh man, N***is so cute, but he’s always at his mom’s house. Dumb.

Anyway, I hope your life, well my life, has turned out exactly the way we’ve always wanted. I know God is in control and whatever I do, as long as I’m obedient, I’ll be doing his will and as long as I do his will, my life will be perfect. Thanks for being you/me. I’ll do my best to make it easier to have a good life when I’m older by doing good stuff now. Love us! Teehee.

Yours (and mine) truly,

Sabrina (well DUH)



...his grace is sufficient for me.

This is a little diddy I just wrote and posted on tumblr. Enjoy.

___________________________

I'm a screw up; a royal mess maker.

I am selfish, prideful, and have a bad attitude.

I do dumb things, i make rude comments and i think hateful thoughts.

I let my flesh take over, i ignore what is right and i indulge in negativity.

I am unlovable, intolerable and despicable.

I am imperfect beyond belief. I am CRAP.

⁸ "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Selah.

No seriously, think about it.

I am of NO USE to God. I could not be more flawed, yet Christ chose to die to save my insignificant, imperfect, unnecessary life.

WEEPING. literally every time i read that verse.

There is something I'm really good at. I am amazing at beating myself up for all the things i do wrong. I can honestly say, at the end of the day, I am my biggest critic. I can flaunt and act arrogant as if i could give two flying sh*ts about what mistakes I make or what people think about me but the truth is, i die inside. I carry ridiculous weights of guilt, doubt, insecurity and shame with me. Now, this is not to minimize the struggle of anyone else or to say that I am the only one who "deals with" whatever, but I am saying I am flawed and know it.

Do not misread this as a pity party or feel worried about my state of mind. For there is something in me that is stronger than any load I may carry.

⁹But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12

My skills and abilities are not enough. My faith and belief are not enough. My good deeds are not enough.

NOTHING I DO IS ENOUGH.

The only thing that is ENOUGH is God's grace. By God's grace I am free, forgiven and made flawless, that is, perfect. Only in Him can I boast.

Paul wrote 2 Corinthians. Yes, Paul who preached the gospel to millions. Paul who raised up influential leaders. (And yes, Paul, who pre-salvation dedicated his life to the demise of Christians). PAUL, said his WEAKNESS was his strength. Not his encounters with God, not all the time he spent preaching the word, and not his power or influence. He had no reason to brag on how great he was because he would literally be nothing without God's grace.

Holy crap. That's what I am.

Crap made holy by the grace of God himself.

I am weak and praise God I am because his power may rest on me and make me whole.

Jesus told me, his grace is sufficient for me.

gotta get back.

Where are my original thoughts?
Why are my posts lists of things i love or hate?
Where's the honesty and realness this blog used to posess?
So what if my writing sucked; this blog is for feelings, creativity and openness.
Where are my feelings?
Where is my creativity?
Where is the openness?

I'm gonna try to get back to that.
I'm better when I'm vulnerable.

OBSESSIONS.

The ukulele.

There's a huge part of me that just feels like leaving my old life behind, moving to Hawaii and starting over as an island girl. Until I'm able to do that, Hawaiian music will have to tide me over which is why I've been listening to a lot of Hawaiian music lately. There's just something so soothing about the ukulele. It makes me think of better days (which I'm assuming is still to come) and I feel like if I learn it, I'll be more successful at my island girl ways.

 

Local musicians.

You guys, I am totally serious about this right now. I've always wanted to be that girl that like, lives in a tiny little apartment downtown above a small boutique or coffee shop and spends all her time writing and playing music with random neighbors who live in the tiny apartment next door. Unfortunately, I chose the stupid route of college and now have to work an 8-5 job to pay off my student loans. Local musicians though, and especially the ones in Ventura actually are living out this fantasy of mine. I've been spending a lot of time watching Ventura musicians on youtube and have been going to the local coffeehouse that has live local music (Zoey's-my serious new favorite spot). I feel so cool being there and so inspired (and slightly jealous) of these people that get to spend their time doing what I love. 

Here's a local musician that I'm totally vibing with right now.

Jade Hendrix.

 

 

the double standard (that no one cares about)

This is a list of things a guy can do and still be hot; and things that if a girl did, there would be judgmental and disgusted eyes directed at her.

Pour a bag of chips(or anything from a bag for that matter) into his mouth. The amount of times I've seen this done is a little bit disappointing. Is it so difficult to put your hand inside the bag as opposed to tipping the bottom and pouring CRUMBS down your gluttonous gullet? Honestly, if you can't pick the pieces up using your hands, are they really worth the effort to eat? I'm sorry, I'm being dramatic. But take a walk with me down imagination lane, and picture Reese Witherspoon (freakin' "girl next door") gobbling a bag of family sized, French Onion flavored Fritos (I LOVE ALLITERATION!) with the bottom up with only 3/4 of the crumbs actually making it into her mouth? You think it's sexy? You're gross! Oh...you think it's gross? Oh okay, you're normal. Well, one of the male DA's at work did this and we made eye contact after he did it. I lost ZERO respect for him and I still think he's hot.

Scratch inappropriate areas. By inappropriate, I mean anywhere a modest bikini would cover (except for, like, the shoulders and back...I'm not a communist-idk.) I hope I don't have to explain this one too in depth. Men, on NATIONAL TELEVISION, itch, scratch, pick and tug inappropriately all the time! They know they're being watched and they simply don't care. Not only that, BUT WE WATCH THEM! Why is there no ridicule for these shameless actions? Because they're men. God forbid Ana Kournikova scratch or itch somewhere and get caught on camera! That business would be all up on TMZ with some witty slash rude headline that creatively combines her name with the word nasty ( Kourniko-nasty? Nope. Whatever. Shut up! I'm not TMZ!).

Spit. This might be the most disgusting thing in the entire world. I don't know many women who don't think the same thing, therefore, making me so confused as to why guys still do it! Athletes are always hawking loogies (I literally just gagged even typing out that phrase) and today on y lunch break, some guy just spit on the sidewalk mid-stride and just kept walking! NO! Absolutely not. I dare Beyonce to spit and strut, although, she is Queen B and she can do most anything and still be amazing, spitting is where I draw the line. Not only is Beyonce too classy for spit, (she probably doesn't have salivary glands; is that a thing?) but if anyone were to ever witness such a horrible act, she would be Beyonc-EW (that one was better, yeah?).

Anyway, its a double standard. I'm still deciding if it's a double standard that I care to change or not because let's face it, I'm not all that interested in spitting or adjusting or anything else boys do that's so gross. Nevertheless it needed to be brought to someone's attention.

I know it's weird but...

I'm the 4th weirdest person I know (the other 3 are some of my old college roommates). I do A LOT of weird things, particularly when I'm alone (you know, to keep other people from knowing how weird I ACTUALLY am). In speaking to a coworker, I've found out that I'm not as weird as I think I am. Well okay, actually I'm still weird but I found out she's just as weird because she's done some of the same things. Anyway, I've decided, against my better judgment, to share some of the weird things I do. Try to relate, if you can't, at least try not to judge.
I know it's weird but...

...I pretend I'm blind to see how well my other senses work. This is actually kind of practical, really. What happens if I, in some freak accident, lost my sight. Guess who would know how to get from the front door of my apartment to the bathroom in my apartment...THIS GIRL! Honestly, the only reason I consider this weird is because of the look my supervisor gave me when she caught me twice in one day trying to blindly navigate my way from the hallway to the restroom.

...When I'm driving and a sad song comes on, I pretend to be in a music video. There's a lot of pondering looks out the window and plenty of "fighting back tears" looks; I've gotten really good at it.

...I like to talk in a British accent to strangers. This comes as no surprise if you know me AT ALL. I kind of do it all the time, even to people who aren't strangers. Like maybe too much. Okay I probably should cut back on the accent. Sorry guys.

...I haven't done this in awhile but when I have a jam session at home by myself, I'll act as though I'm putting on a concert (yes, to a non-existent audience). They love me.

...If i come home to an empty house, I act like I'm in a scary movie. I don't always let this one go too far because sometimes i actually get scared. I guess I'm just that good, so...

...Often times I have like 5 minutes to pack or get ready for something, so as I stuff things into a bag, I constantly look over my shoulder as if waiting for my violent husband to put his hand on my shoulder and ask "where do you think you're going?" i.e. ENOUGH, SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY.

...Pretty much anytime I have to type, I pretend to be entering some secret code to hack into some secret database. Yes, I'm doing this right now, as I type this blog.

...Sometimes in the bathroom (only at my house) I'll pretend to be a guest on a talk show. Of course when I enter the bathroom there's a room full of people clapping and screaming for me and I'm waving and blowing kisses to the audience (I'm contemplating not putting this in here because it's so embarrassing). And obviously in this "pretending" I have a new movie coming out that of course already has Oscar buzz but I remain humble and am just " so happy to be apart of such an inspiring and amazing movie and work with such an incredible director with an incomparable vision". Or something like that...

You guys, I'm weird, I know. But at least I'm putting it out there in the open for all to see. Love me or only kind of like me. Your choice.

Let Me Explain

I thought about naming this post "allow me to explain myself" and then i wished that my very first blog were titled "Allow me to introduce myself" all Jay-Z status. Ugh, blog world problems.

FACT: I'm a horrible texter.
I have been told this hundreds of times. I KNOW! I honestly suck at it. Unfortunately, this makes me seem like a bad friend, stupid with technology and an all around terrible person (which I may in fact be without even realizing it). BUT, let me explain.
I feel like it comes down to a few reasons.
For one, when I first got a cellphone (at the ripe old age of 16), I was one of the last of my friends to get one. I only was allowed 30 texts a month and every text after that cost 10 cents. This meant that when my mom got my cellphone bill, if I went over my texts, it was my "12 hours a week at Macy's" money that paid for it. Although, I doubt she ever would have taken the money, it was the threat of knowing that my hard earned $68.50 would be compromised (which would keep me from buying my weekly 3 pairs of 1928 earrings. So it's like a psychological thing. I never wanted to get in trouble.
The one time I DID go over my text limit (and phone minute limit) it was kind of serious. If you know anything about high school students these days, it's that they hate using their mouths for something that can be done with their thumbs (cue immature laughter here. Yes, it's me laughing). But really, high schoolers today, LOVE the art of texting, and it all started when I was in high school. Which brings me to my second belief. One time I did get all crazeballs with texting. As soon as someone text me, I IMMEDIATELY responded. I talked on the phone for hours (to my best friend in Canada, no less -which is NOT covered in free long distance, nights and weekends) and didn't have a care in the world. Then the bill came. My mother took my phone away until I was able to pay for it (I never was, but I eventually got it back-don't tell her) which meant that my first year in college I was cellphone-less. I can not tell you how ridiculous I felt. (I also blame my lack of friendships on that; I had friends, don't trip, I just would have had a million more, let's be real, it's me). It's engrained in me that if I ever over-text, I will lose custody of m phone.
Last but not least, I'm an overthinker. This is the main reason I don't text back. When I get a text, it is placed into one of two categories: answerable and requires thought. If the text is answerable, (i.e. what is your last name, what time are you off work, do you have so and so's phone number?) I will immediately send an answer. These kinds of questions require no thought and do not make me anxious. Texts that require thought, on the other hand, (i.e. questions about my plans, statements that don't always require an answer, anything referring to more than 3 days from the date of the text) make me anxious and put me under pressure to craft the perfect text. I will often find that 2 weeks later, I still have half of a text written that has not been sent. I try to step away from the situation to get away from my "texter's block" and then end up forgetting about it. Usually I text back within the next 2 days but apparently that's not really acceptable.

It all comes down to this. I realize it. I'm working on it. But also it's your fault for making your texts so difficult.
I'M OUT!