closing.

i love/hate that my last two posts were about Little Shop of Horrors.
the show's over now, though, so i suppose this will be the last one.

re-reading my initial thoughts on the show and participation in it is weird.
although i now feel as though i was in my element, i definitely felt out of place for the majority of the show.
Up until the last 6 shows, my whole body would shake before i went on stage.
i was never sure if what i was doing was correct and i really felt like i was so ridiculously bad.
fortunately, i don't feel that way anymore.
not in the slightest.

honestly, i was good.
i was really good.

im so extremely proud of what i did and feel even more lucky that i get to do something that i love so much.
as actors, we get the special privilege of being able to do something we love as entertainment for others.
that's a feeling that really can't be put into words.

the overwhelming joy that i feel when someone comes up to me with tears in their eyes, telling me that the show was their late husband's favorite musical cannot be described.

im so incredibly grateful that i got to participate in the show and am even more thankful for all the amazing things i learned from doing it.
my cast was phenomenal, the crew was outstanding and the feeling was indescribable.

i can't wait until i do another show!

Mic tape is a b*tch to remove

never read the reviews before you perform.
lesson learned.
although maybe a lesson learned a little too late.

i walked into the dressing room feeling nervous as i always do before a show but excited to get to do something i love; when i hear some of the cast talking about a review written about the show.
We had gotten two great reviews already so i was surprised when everyone seemed to be up in arms and attacking the writer of the review.
Come to find out, the review was a little harsh, to say the least.
The writer attacked the direction, the set and the lack of talent (mine included).
He said that I had a poor voice and lack of attitude (which seems just ridiculous because what i lack in EVERYTHING ELSE i make up for in attitude)

My initial reading of the review made me feel like I had just gotten sucker punched in the stomach while everyone watched.
My feelings were hurt. Extremely hurt.

(Later i would find out that the writer has some sort of personal vendetta against the theatre and in reading other reviews he's done for other plays; he's just as unforgiving)

I gave myself 5 seconds in the bathroom to cry out my feelings and then returned to the dressing room.

What bothered me even more about the situation was that none of my cast mates would let me feel. They were all so quick to tell me not to take anything personal. They kept telling me not to think about it but the damage had already been done, and quite frankly, i wanted to feel upset.
I wanted to be allowed to have hurt feelings. He said i couldn't sing! Why couldn't i be a little upset?

SIDE NOTE: There are times, though, when i feel like i experience emotions in a deeper more aggressive way than most. (I attribute it to having acting in my blood but who knows). By having those overwhelming feelings, I sometimes seem like im schizophrenic or bipolar because my emotions will go from really happy to extremely depressed in a matter of seconds where a "normal person" (and i use that term loosely) would only move from mildly happy to sorta upset.

WHATEVER.
I know its not a complete thought but it's all i got for now.

In other news: I am getting extremely tired of living in Ventura.
All my friends are in the Los Angeles area and I feel like im missing out on it all simply because i hate that stupid hour and a half drive (2 hours with traffic).

if you talk to God everyday there's no way your life won't change.

nope da doo

WARNING: i apologize for the horrible writing/formatting/style of this post.
it's kinda just an unorganized rant of how im feeling at the moment and i don't want to ruin the raw-ness of it by editing.

It's been a long while since I've seen the likes of a post with words that isn't from 3 months ago.
I've come to blog a few times recently but when the time comes to begin writing, my words fail me.
but i've begun a new theatre expedition and i think that is what has gotten my creative juices flowing.
so here are some words...FINALLY.

As previously stated, i have a begun a theatre venture.
I am Chiffon in Little Shop of Horrors at the Canyon Theatre Guild.
Although I'm working with the same director at the same place with a few people from the old cast EVERYTHING is different.
In High School Musical i felt like my talent was being lost in a crowd of mediocrity.
High School students who were further along than i was at that age at realizing their love for theatre but who still hadn't completely grown into their potential. (no offense to anyone from that show i love you all!)
but in this show i feel so completely lost.
i feel like the weak link because everyone is so INCREDIBLY talented.
it will no doubt take me a while to be able to accept the fact that i was CHOSEN for this role.
i didn't luck out. the directors liked me and believed that i would help in the show's success.

although every time i have to sing a solo in front of the group i feel like im going to pass out (not to mention every body part shakes, my hands sweat, my face gets hot and i want to throw up) i understand that this is going to be a HUGE learning experience for me and i think the cast has already adopted me as the little sister because i not only look like a child but this is only my 3rd show in LIFE.

i did feel slightly redeemed after i sang the skid row solo and one of the girls came up to me afterwards to tell me that i had a beautiful, soulful voice and she loved listening to me sing.
it felt good but i still feel like a total dud.
im working on it.

God is Good and so is the New Drake CD

...well good in a different kind of way.

crap.
i had this really great idea for a blog based on this book i read. i just finished it a couple of days ago.
it's called Imaginary Jesus by Matt Mikalatos.
it was crazy good.
like literally, life altering good.

i don't think I've ever felt that way about a book before. let alone a Christian book!
(not that Christian books are bad or anything but i have a hard time relating to cheesy books that tell me to "court" rather than date and other things of the sort)
but this book wasn't about dating (or not dating).
it was written like a novel in order to help me "find Jesus" so to speak.
anyway...i borrowed it from my job and then returned it without getting all the little quotes i wanted (all i have are page numbers).
whatever. just read the book yourself.
it's kind of amazing.

as for Father's day.
i didn't get to do anything super special because i had to work all day but i did get to spend time with my family.
they're pretty great.
i was sitting in Joe's Crab Shack with them arguing, laughing, making fun of each other and making bets.
i honestly couldn't ask for a better set.

my mother...although I'll deny it until I'm dead, she seriously gave me ALL of her personality.
we're exactly the same person. i understand her and i like to make her mad just to watch her get angry but it's cuz i love her so much. I'm EXTREMELY lucky that i have a mom who i can tell anything to. she's my friend and i know it's not that way for a lot of people and I'm super thankful for her.

my brother...he's freaking hilarious. i don't know when he all of a sudden became someone i actually like being around but I'm so glad it happened. he still bugs me (in true little brother fashion) but he knows how to make me laugh and i couldn't have been blessed with a better sibling to get in trouble with.

my father...homeboy should be getting a BUTTload of jewels in his crown when he gets to heaven for being able to put up with me. I'm loud, and sarcastic, and messy but he loves me like no other. he's dorky and i love it. he treats me like the daddy's girl that i am and knows how to calm me down when i get all crazy and i love him more than words can express. i am so so so BLESSED to have him as my daddy and am so glad i could celebrate him today.I've had a few epiphanies/Jesus smacking me over the head with things i should have realized a long time ago.
But those are for another time.

Pomp and Circumstance

The time has come.
I officially graduate tomorrow.
Early in the morning I will walk in my cap and gown while my name is called out by my professor and my friends and family will cheer for me.I always knew this day would come and I always knew I would feel this way about it.
Nostalgic, excited, reminiscent, nervous, anxious but most of all ready.
I'm extremely ready to do this.
I've been getting sort of antsy about the whole thing lately because I knew that I would be hearing about all the jobs that everyone has lined up after graduation while I'll be going back to my part time retail job at the mall.
I expected a bit of disappointment and of course a tinge of jealousy (okay, more than a tinge).
but i don't think I ever expected the peace that would come to me after being back at the house with my old roommates.
A peace that actually passes ALL understanding.
Suddenly I realized the peace isn't an act of coincidence.
It's a true act of my Lord, my comforter, my ALL in freaking ALL.
God knew what I would be walking back into by coming to La Mirada.He knows my heart and all it's desires, impurities and insecurities.
Thus, he knows how to satisfy my heart. How to ease my troubled mind and calm my whirling soul.
This peace came not through a deep heart to heart with a mentor, or a passionate bible study, or even an influential speech.
My peace has come through the simple prayer before I stepped out of my car that God would bless my trip.A constant battle thrashes in my head almost every day.
I never know, never REALLY know what my purpose is.
I can't seem to figure out if I'm doing things right.

but somehow it hit me.
God whispered quietly that everything is going to be okay.
He has a plan.
He knows what's going to happen and he truly wants me to live my best life for him.

I complain a lot.I feel like I'm not really headed in any direction.
Like I'm not doing what I should be doing.
But the peace has hit me.
Where I am right now is where I'm supposed to be right now.
and where I am in 5 years is where I'm supposed to be in 5 years.
and as far as I can tell (which is about 1 second from now) I can't do anything more about the next 5 years other than be here right now.
I don't know how it happened and I think that's where the "passes all understanding" thing comes into play, but for now I am at peace.
It's undeniable that I got an amazing education at Biola.
but what's even greater is the spiritual growth I experienced in the 4 years I was there.
It's something I'll never regret and will always remember.

Stop tripping, homegirl

This is a subject I've written about many-a-time.
What is the will of God and how do i follow it?

well...if you're looking for the answer to that question, this isn't the blog to read.
it is simply the continuation of the question as well as a semi-realization to why the question is asked.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what i want to do with my life.
I'm 21, have a bachelor's degree and i have a vision in my head of what my "dream-life" would look like but i still struggle with how that life lines up with the life that God has planned for me.

I like to think of the "will of God" as a kind of river. (sort of like the lazy river at Hurricane Harbor).
The lazy river will of God (LRWG), if you will.

Now, God has made this LRWG perfect.
He has made a clear path, steady moving, with a destination in mind.
All I have to do is stay in this LRWG and i will get to where I need to go.
The river is moving, and without putting any effort into swimming, i would eventually arrive at my destination but with effort i can move along more quickly as well as ensure that I arrive where i need to go.
If i would simply continue in this LRWG, i would arrive exactly where God wants me.
There would be no complications, I wouldn't have to ask God "why is this going the way it's going?"
So often, i ask, "God, why can't you just tell me where you want me to go?"
But the thing is, God has already laid out a plan for me.
He has given me his lazy river: a clear path, steady moving with a destination in mind.
What i tend to do, though, is put my own ambitions, and selfishness into the will he has laid out.
I start adding my own little "inter tubes" or "rafts" to the lazy river.
I see other opportunities to get out of the LRWG and go on the water slides or do other things that keep me from staying in the will of God and keep me from following more easily the LRWG.

I start making excuses and telling God what I can and cannot do.
I'm reminded of Moses when God asks him to go tell Pharaoh to let his people go.
Exodus 4:10 says "Then Moses said to the LORD, Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue."
Moses tries to tell God his limitations.
God responds by telling him that he is the one that created the mouth and that he will give Moses the words to speak.

We often want to tell God the things we can't do and give him a list of the things we want to do.
I do it all the time.
God, I know you've given me a heart for Latin America, but I can't pray in Spanish, and let me say that I'm not that great of a public speaker, and let me say that I can't do improvisation, and let me say that I want to be famous, and let me say that I wanna be married at 27, have kids by 30 and a dog by 32.
I get so caught up in putting in my own two cents into God's will, that a once clear path that was made for me, is now clouded with all of my ambitions, and fleshliness, and selfishness.

Because of this, I now complain that God hasn't given me a clear path.
I tell him that I can't see his will to follow it.
Yet, he's sitting there telling me "Hey listen, I've given you a completely clear path. I've given you instructions on how to get there but YOU'RE the one who put her own ambitions and her own motivations into this will that I have for you. You are the one who made the LRWG look like this."

Fortunately, he doesn't just leave me stranded.
If i get rid of all those selfish ambitions and self-limitations, he will continue to lead me in his path.
He is not the God of complications. He is not the God of an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery.
My God is a God of simplicity. A God of straight-forwardness.
Granted, there are plenty of times when i feel like he is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery but i don't believe that's because he is trying to be complicated.
I think it's simply that my puny human brain is incapable of understanding the omniscience of God.

i complain about the difficulty of his will, the speed, the source and any other thing i can think of.
But if i simply follow his will, I will get to where i need to go.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

That's enough.
That's all i need to know.
He knows the plans he has for me.
I've just got to trust those plans and put my life in his hands.