i really need some church.
like big time.
i mean i have the church i've gone to for most of my life, but it doesn't have a college/young adult's group and that's kinda where im at right now.
i need some hard hitting Jesus fellowship.
the church i was going to when i was away at school was amazing and just what i needed and now i have to look again.
ugh.
church finding is just about as fun of a process as jeans shopping.
boo...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
a talent that is not my own.
i have an extremely talented friend named kelsi.
i haven't talked to her in a billion years but since i've known her she's always been really into poetry.
recently i read this poem and i was like my daaaaang!
so i for sure need to share it with y'all.
it's called:
You Bring Out the Black in Me by Kelsi Sarno
--good right? she's freaking amazing.
i haven't talked to her in a billion years but since i've known her she's always been really into poetry.
recently i read this poem and i was like my daaaaang!
so i for sure need to share it with y'all.
it's called:
You Bring Out the Black in Me by Kelsi Sarno
You bring out the black in me.
The soft mocha skin.
The mahogany eyes.
The strong back.
The mystery.
The faith.
The history.
You are the one I’d take a
lashing for.
The one I’d lead through my
underground railroad.
And the one
I’d wade in the water with.
You see the Kool-Aid in me.
The grits and greens in me.
The breaking a comb, nappy hair in me.
The Popeyes in me.
The hourglass curves in me.
The black eyed peas and sweet potatoes in me.
The junk.. in the trunk in me.
The emancipation in me.
The civil war in me.
The drive to overcome in me.
The belief in me.
The are you a basketball player in me?
The hip-hop in me.
The blues in me.
The trumpets, saxophones and pianos in me.
The Ray Charles in me.
The soul in me.
You paint the passion in me.
Only you, only you.
You respect the Raisin In The Sun in me.
The black panther in me.
The “I Have A Dream” in me.
The Rosa Parks, trying to get home from work in me.
The Truth, like Sojourner in me.
The revolution in me.
The rivers Mr. Hughes followed in me.
The Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner in me.
The Glory,
And the To Sir, With Love in me.
You bring out the cracker-nigger in me.
Because you know I don’t care..
The title makes me stronger.
The “politically correct,” African-American in me.
The white-washed, stereotypical, agitator in me.
You love the dreamer in me.
The motivation to succeed in me.
The hope in me.
You believe in the vitality in me.
The work ethic in me.
The hustle in me.
The Color Purple in me.
The urban, rugged, street in me.
The ghetto in me.
The rhythm and flow in me.
The culture in me.
The game of Kobe Bryant in me.
The dancing of Michael Jackson in me.
The fist in the air, black power in me.
But once,
You forced the pride out of me.
The struggle in me.
The ebonics speaking,
Laboring, slave in me.
The voyage of the Amistad in me.
The inferno summers.
The sweet sweat in me.
The bare back.
The scars.
The battered cow-hide flesh in me.
The misery.
The pity in me.
The disgust.
The inferiority in me.
The riots.
The slave-trade of talent in me.
The fear, that soon turned to courage in me.
Finally, you met the real me.
The fight in me,
The Muhammad Ali in me.
The humor in me.
The cool, calm, and collected,
Denzel Washington in me.
The writer and the poet in me.
The Nikki Giovanni in me.
The intelligence.
The communicator.
The Oprah in me.
The desire in me.
The sexy, Beyonce in me.
The strength in me.
The actress in me.
The Rosario Dawson in me.
The speed of Jesse Owens in me.
The fire of Malcolm X in me.
The Harlem Renaissance romantic in me.
The innovation of Sidney Poitier in me.
The compassion of Martin Luther King Jr. in me.
You are what makes me,
Me.
I’ll follow you to safety,
If you end my hardship.
I’ll follow you to the future.
If you remember my past.
If you let me,
I’ll follow you to freedom.
Freedom at last,
Freedom at last.
--good right? she's freaking amazing.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
"Only those who dare to fail greatly can achieve greatly." -Robert F. Kennedy
first things first.
my friend told me about this amazing play called The Last Five Years and i am so blown away by the brilliance and authenticity of the music that i can't stop thinking about it.
every time i get in the car i start the same song called "See, I'm Smiling".
it's so well thought out in every way possible.
in the song she has an argument with her husband but you only hear her side and it's so brilliantly written that you can imagine exactly what he's saying to her.
it's just awe inspiring and i would LOVE to be able to actually see the show.
now for the nitty gritty.
so yesterday i auditioned for Cabrillo Music Theatre's production of Little Shop of Horrors.
i didn't really know what to expect because i had never auditioned there before and mostly because I'm still pretty new to the performing aspect of theatre.
anyway, i get to the audition, sign in, fill out the forms and do all the biznaz that i have to do.
no big deal.
then all of a sudden , like 5 beautiful, older, black women come in and start filling out their stuff and i realize that all of them have agents, nice head shots and extremely lengthy resumes.
already I'm intimidated.
(oh and i knew this was kind of a long shot before i even got to the audition because they were offering two admittances into AEA and it was for pay so...yeah)
finally I'm on deck waiting as the girl before me auditions.
i hear her start to sing and i just start cracking up.
not because she was bad...no.
but rather because as soon as she started singing i realized i was in WAY over my head and i knew there was NO WAY they would even have me back for callbacks.
so it was cool...because i knew that this was now just practice.
anyway-i go in there the accompanist starts playing (which i almost just didn't even sing because he was SO good and kinda hot too)
i forgot some of the words and they had to help me and at one point i felt like they almost felt sorry for me like those people on american idol who think they're good when in reality they're horrible.
so it was over. he said thanks and that they'd be making their decision within the next two days which is theatre code for "we don't wanna hurt your feelings so nice try but yeah right".
i walked out feeling a little disappointed that i had chosen a song so out of my range but knowing that it wouldn't have mattered.
on my drive home i pretended like cameras were following me and that i had just been denied on american idol and i did a little speech and that was fun (because i like to pretend even when I'm by myself-which i think makes me a better actress but whatevs.)
then all of a sudden a MILLION doubts started flooding my mind.
doubts like: i really CAN'T sing and I'll never make it. i started thinking that i wasn't good at ANYTHING. I'm a mediocre singer and dancer and maybe i think I'm a good actress simply because i haven't tried it professionally and have therefore not been rejected.
so many things came to mind some true some straight from the pit of hell.
that's when i realized something that i think is actually extremely helpful.
the feeling of disappointment will never go away as long as i live.
i will get rejected from things FOREVER and i can't keep the hurt from coming.
i also know that the doubts will always come after rejection.
it was so interesting how quickly they came.
after months of my director telling me that i would be great in another show she's doing and my dance teacher giving me more difficult tasks because she thinks i can dance and all the building of an ego that can happen, as soon as i got one rejection, i felt like i sucked at EVERYTHING.
i mean everything.
i started attacking my intelligence and things that are completely irrelevant to the acting profession, you know what i mean.
i know it's cheesy but
michael jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
walt disney was fired from a newspaper because he lacked imagination and good ideas.
lucille ball was told to try any other profession EXCEPT for acting.
anyway, i realized that after those doubts come, as long as I'm able to jump from the pain and hurt and realize that only growth can happen from there, I'm golden.
my friend told me about this amazing play called The Last Five Years and i am so blown away by the brilliance and authenticity of the music that i can't stop thinking about it.
every time i get in the car i start the same song called "See, I'm Smiling".
it's so well thought out in every way possible.
in the song she has an argument with her husband but you only hear her side and it's so brilliantly written that you can imagine exactly what he's saying to her.
it's just awe inspiring and i would LOVE to be able to actually see the show.
now for the nitty gritty.
so yesterday i auditioned for Cabrillo Music Theatre's production of Little Shop of Horrors.
i didn't really know what to expect because i had never auditioned there before and mostly because I'm still pretty new to the performing aspect of theatre.
anyway, i get to the audition, sign in, fill out the forms and do all the biznaz that i have to do.
no big deal.
then all of a sudden , like 5 beautiful, older, black women come in and start filling out their stuff and i realize that all of them have agents, nice head shots and extremely lengthy resumes.
already I'm intimidated.
(oh and i knew this was kind of a long shot before i even got to the audition because they were offering two admittances into AEA and it was for pay so...yeah)
finally I'm on deck waiting as the girl before me auditions.
i hear her start to sing and i just start cracking up.
not because she was bad...no.
but rather because as soon as she started singing i realized i was in WAY over my head and i knew there was NO WAY they would even have me back for callbacks.
so it was cool...because i knew that this was now just practice.
anyway-i go in there the accompanist starts playing (which i almost just didn't even sing because he was SO good and kinda hot too)
i forgot some of the words and they had to help me and at one point i felt like they almost felt sorry for me like those people on american idol who think they're good when in reality they're horrible.
so it was over. he said thanks and that they'd be making their decision within the next two days which is theatre code for "we don't wanna hurt your feelings so nice try but yeah right".
i walked out feeling a little disappointed that i had chosen a song so out of my range but knowing that it wouldn't have mattered.
on my drive home i pretended like cameras were following me and that i had just been denied on american idol and i did a little speech and that was fun (because i like to pretend even when I'm by myself-which i think makes me a better actress but whatevs.)
then all of a sudden a MILLION doubts started flooding my mind.
doubts like: i really CAN'T sing and I'll never make it. i started thinking that i wasn't good at ANYTHING. I'm a mediocre singer and dancer and maybe i think I'm a good actress simply because i haven't tried it professionally and have therefore not been rejected.
so many things came to mind some true some straight from the pit of hell.
that's when i realized something that i think is actually extremely helpful.
the feeling of disappointment will never go away as long as i live.
i will get rejected from things FOREVER and i can't keep the hurt from coming.
i also know that the doubts will always come after rejection.
it was so interesting how quickly they came.
after months of my director telling me that i would be great in another show she's doing and my dance teacher giving me more difficult tasks because she thinks i can dance and all the building of an ego that can happen, as soon as i got one rejection, i felt like i sucked at EVERYTHING.
i mean everything.
i started attacking my intelligence and things that are completely irrelevant to the acting profession, you know what i mean.
i know it's cheesy but
michael jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
walt disney was fired from a newspaper because he lacked imagination and good ideas.
lucille ball was told to try any other profession EXCEPT for acting.
anyway, i realized that after those doubts come, as long as I'm able to jump from the pain and hurt and realize that only growth can happen from there, I'm golden.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
everything is alright.
these days i like what i see.
these days i'm okay with being me.
i love the way i feel.
i like who i'm becoming.
i love the changes God is making in my life.
everyday a little ounce of confidence is added to my life.
i like it.
i'm ready for the next day to come.
i love the way God has provided for me for the past 21 years.
i know that no matter what, everything happens for a reason.
im okay with being a little afraid.
im glad to have a LIVING God who knows what he's doing.
i absolutely LOVE my family.
i'm going to say it until it happens:
as many things come up in my life to keep me from doing what i love, i think deep down i know that acting is my thing.
it's gonna happen for me.
it's what i was made to do.
these days i'm okay with being me.
i love the way i feel.
i like who i'm becoming.
i love the changes God is making in my life.
everyday a little ounce of confidence is added to my life.
i like it.
i'm ready for the next day to come.
i love the way God has provided for me for the past 21 years.
i know that no matter what, everything happens for a reason.
im okay with being a little afraid.
im glad to have a LIVING God who knows what he's doing.
i absolutely LOVE my family.
i'm going to say it until it happens:
as many things come up in my life to keep me from doing what i love, i think deep down i know that acting is my thing.
it's gonna happen for me.
it's what i was made to do.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
i don't want to spend my life jaded
oh dear.
i know, i know.
it's valentine's day and everyone is going to be blogging about love.
(or hopefully they aren't blogging and rather they're out showing love but whatever).
sooo yesterday i saw Valentine's Day and today I saw Dear John.
two of the worst movies to see if you're single around V-Day.
but for me it really wasn't that bad.
this year i'm so not worried about my singleness or anything.
dear john definitely left me feeling kind of jaded and Valentine's Day reminded me of how Hollywood is what screwed me over in the first place.
Gosh, i remember in the beginning of Dear John thinking about how i wanted a love that was simple. I just want it to be. (and somewhere inside of me sort of wants a guy that has that sort of tortured soul that only I can understand and we really "get" each other but ew...that's so hollywood).
everything about it was just another reminder of the love that we want.
the thing is this time, i recognized the falsehood and fluffery of the movie.
i was able to pick out so many things that i've grown up thinking but now know aren't real.
which made me think, have i become so jaded towards love that i've given up on fairytale romance?
part of me is glad that's happened but the other part of me still wants that hope.
still wants the possibility of having a love that "beats the odds".
i don't know a lot of things and i sure as heck don't know much about love.
all i can go off of is the unconditional love of my savior.
and that exists.
and it's everlasting.
and it's kinda fairytale in it's own way.
maybe there's still hope for me.
i know, i know.
it's valentine's day and everyone is going to be blogging about love.
(or hopefully they aren't blogging and rather they're out showing love but whatever).
sooo yesterday i saw Valentine's Day and today I saw Dear John.
two of the worst movies to see if you're single around V-Day.
but for me it really wasn't that bad.
this year i'm so not worried about my singleness or anything.
dear john definitely left me feeling kind of jaded and Valentine's Day reminded me of how Hollywood is what screwed me over in the first place.
Gosh, i remember in the beginning of Dear John thinking about how i wanted a love that was simple. I just want it to be. (and somewhere inside of me sort of wants a guy that has that sort of tortured soul that only I can understand and we really "get" each other but ew...that's so hollywood).
everything about it was just another reminder of the love that we want.
the thing is this time, i recognized the falsehood and fluffery of the movie.
i was able to pick out so many things that i've grown up thinking but now know aren't real.
which made me think, have i become so jaded towards love that i've given up on fairytale romance?
part of me is glad that's happened but the other part of me still wants that hope.
still wants the possibility of having a love that "beats the odds".
i don't know a lot of things and i sure as heck don't know much about love.
all i can go off of is the unconditional love of my savior.
and that exists.
and it's everlasting.
and it's kinda fairytale in it's own way.
maybe there's still hope for me.
Friday, February 12, 2010
learning to breathe
as i was driving home from an insane practice tonight, i was reminded of God's immense faithfulness.
he's done some serious provision for me and I'm so thankful.
we had a pickup rehearsal tonight for the show and it was crazy.
it was nice though to see everyone after a week of nothing.
i love being around them because it reminds me of how i was in high school.
i love how all of the kids talk about what's going on in their lives and i can relate and reassure them that things always get better.
it's weird because high school seriously seems like the biggest deal when you're in it but I've come to realize (as most everyone does) that it's just a phase.
everything in high school fades and none of it matters after. absolutely none of it.
i lost 9 pounds! I'm ecstatic because I'm really working for this and I've been really good.
my dad brought home a whole cheesecake tonight though. a freakin Kahlua cheesecake.
but I'm resisting. i just want him to finish it so i don't have to see it anymore. HA!
I'm auditioning for Little Shop of Horrors on Wednesday and I'm really nervous.
it's a paid show so already there's a LOT of pressure on it as well as the fact that they had to add another audition date because so many people signed up.
it seems like a long shot because i don't have that great of a voice so I'm not sure about it.
but if i did get the part, i know i would work extremely hard and soak up every minute of it.
i visited my friends this weekend and stayed the night at my old house.
it was so great just being able to hang out and laugh like we used to and be crazy like we used to.
i miss just being around them without having to plan it.
there are a lot of things that i definitely do NOT miss though and at this point, i really think that living at home outweighs being there. as much as i love my friends, there are certain people that i very obviously learned to "put up with" for the sake of a living situation but when it really comes down to friendship, i wouldn't be devastated if it were over.
i know that's sad to say but it's true and i think recognizing it is stronger than leaving it be.
but that's another blog for another time.
all in all it was a really needed, fun time.
anyway...things are going really well for me right now and I'm praising God for every last bit of it.
he's done some serious provision for me and I'm so thankful.
we had a pickup rehearsal tonight for the show and it was crazy.
it was nice though to see everyone after a week of nothing.
i love being around them because it reminds me of how i was in high school.
i love how all of the kids talk about what's going on in their lives and i can relate and reassure them that things always get better.
it's weird because high school seriously seems like the biggest deal when you're in it but I've come to realize (as most everyone does) that it's just a phase.
everything in high school fades and none of it matters after. absolutely none of it.
i lost 9 pounds! I'm ecstatic because I'm really working for this and I've been really good.
my dad brought home a whole cheesecake tonight though. a freakin Kahlua cheesecake.
but I'm resisting. i just want him to finish it so i don't have to see it anymore. HA!
I'm auditioning for Little Shop of Horrors on Wednesday and I'm really nervous.
it's a paid show so already there's a LOT of pressure on it as well as the fact that they had to add another audition date because so many people signed up.
it seems like a long shot because i don't have that great of a voice so I'm not sure about it.
but if i did get the part, i know i would work extremely hard and soak up every minute of it.
i visited my friends this weekend and stayed the night at my old house.
it was so great just being able to hang out and laugh like we used to and be crazy like we used to.
i miss just being around them without having to plan it.
there are a lot of things that i definitely do NOT miss though and at this point, i really think that living at home outweighs being there. as much as i love my friends, there are certain people that i very obviously learned to "put up with" for the sake of a living situation but when it really comes down to friendship, i wouldn't be devastated if it were over.
i know that's sad to say but it's true and i think recognizing it is stronger than leaving it be.
but that's another blog for another time.
all in all it was a really needed, fun time.
anyway...things are going really well for me right now and I'm praising God for every last bit of it.
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