"When you stand on the stage you must have a sense that you are addressing the whole world, and that what you say is so important the whole world must listen."

--Stella Adler

:i realize the reason that love musical theatre is it's mixture of music with life.
...theatre is so necessary.

everything is alright.

these days i like what i see.
these days i'm okay with being me.
i love the way i feel.
i like who i'm becoming.
i love the changes God is making in my life.
everyday a little ounce of confidence is added to my life.
i like it.
i'm ready for the next day to come.
i love the way God has provided for me for the past 21 years.
i know that no matter what, everything happens for a reason.
im okay with being a little afraid.
im glad to have a LIVING God who knows what he's doing.
i absolutely LOVE my family.

i'm going to say it until it happens:
as many things come up in my life to keep me from doing what i love, i think deep down i know that acting is my thing.
it's gonna happen for me.
it's what i was made to do.

i don't want to spend my life jaded

oh dear.
i know, i know.
it's valentine's day and everyone is going to be blogging about love.
(or hopefully they aren't blogging and rather they're out showing love but whatever).
sooo yesterday i saw Valentine's Day and today I saw Dear John.
two of the worst movies to see if you're single around V-Day.
but for me it really wasn't that bad.
this year i'm so not worried about my singleness or anything.
dear john definitely left me feeling kind of jaded and Valentine's Day reminded me of how Hollywood is what screwed me over in the first place.
Gosh, i remember in the beginning of Dear John thinking about how i wanted a love that was simple. I just want it to be. (and somewhere inside of me sort of wants a guy that has that sort of tortured soul that only I can understand and we really "get" each other but ew...that's so hollywood).
everything about it was just another reminder of the love that we want.
the thing is this time, i recognized the falsehood and fluffery of the movie.
i was able to pick out so many things that i've grown up thinking but now know aren't real.

which made me think, have i become so jaded towards love that i've given up on fairytale romance?
part of me is glad that's happened but the other part of me still wants that hope.
still wants the possibility of having a love that "beats the odds".

i don't know a lot of things and i sure as heck don't know much about love.
all i can go off of is the unconditional love of my savior.
and that exists.
and it's everlasting.
and it's kinda fairytale in it's own way.

maybe there's still hope for me.

learning to breathe

as i was driving home from an insane practice tonight, i was reminded of God's immense faithfulness.
he's done some serious provision for me and I'm so thankful.

we had a pickup rehearsal tonight for the show and it was crazy.
it was nice though to see everyone after a week of nothing.
i love being around them because it reminds me of how i was in high school.
i love how all of the kids talk about what's going on in their lives and i can relate and reassure them that things always get better.
it's weird because high school seriously seems like the biggest deal when you're in it but I've come to realize (as most everyone does) that it's just a phase.
everything in high school fades and none of it matters after. absolutely none of it.

i lost 9 pounds! I'm ecstatic because I'm really working for this and I've been really good.
my dad brought home a whole cheesecake tonight though. a freakin Kahlua cheesecake.
but I'm resisting. i just want him to finish it so i don't have to see it anymore. HA!

I'm auditioning for Little Shop of Horrors on Wednesday and I'm really nervous.
it's a paid show so already there's a LOT of pressure on it as well as the fact that they had to add another audition date because so many people signed up.
it seems like a long shot because i don't have that great of a voice so I'm not sure about it.
but if i did get the part, i know i would work extremely hard and soak up every minute of it.

i visited my friends this weekend and stayed the night at my old house.
it was so great just being able to hang out and laugh like we used to and be crazy like we used to.
i miss just being around them without having to plan it.
there are a lot of things that i definitely do NOT miss though and at this point, i really think that living at home outweighs being there. as much as i love my friends, there are certain people that i very obviously learned to "put up with" for the sake of a living situation but when it really comes down to friendship, i wouldn't be devastated if it were over.
i know that's sad to say but it's true and i think recognizing it is stronger than leaving it be.
but that's another blog for another time.
all in all it was a really needed, fun time.

anyway...things are going really well for me right now and I'm praising God for every last bit of it.

so irrelevant

gosh. i don't want these kinds of things to clog up my blog and i am in no way an entertainment blogger but i feel like i need to get this out.

today there has been so much criticism of my beloved John Mayer.
while i am a huge fan of his music and think he's hilariously funny, i do not doubt nor deny that he may in fact be a douche bag.
BUT...i feel the same way about John Mayer that i do about Kanye West (aside from his voice giving me the chills when he sings).
i feel bad for both of them.
i don't think that they think before they say things.
they're honest people that have the platform to say what's on their mind.
unfortunately, if they were just normal people, they wouldn't have any friends. (except for maybe each other).
i am in no way condoning John Mayer or Kanye West's actions but what i think they really need is help.
not like rehab help, more like love help.
it doesn't seem like they have real people in their lives loving them for who they really are (aside from famous douche bags).

it just hurts me when i see people like that. people that are trying so hard to rise above criticism and be who they are regardless usually end up in total fallout.

one guy who i think is purposefully hurtful...PEREZ HILTON.
i'm grossed out just by seeing his name on my blog.
but for real-he writes things about people that are completely insensitive for the purpose of making that person look like a complete idiot. he breaks people and i think he's the real problem.
Kanye West, John Mayer-they're harmless because the things THEY say mostly make themselves look ridiculous.
but Perez-ugh.
i guess he needs some love too...

questionable.

hello february 9, 2010.
wow.
i can't believe i'm putting this on my blog.
but i really want to do this.
i'm going to lose weight.
i'm gonna try to keep up with the peeps on celebrity fit club and lose 3 pounds by next week and ultimately 35 pounds in 8 weeks.
this is gonna be hard because food has had some serious control over me.
but not anymore.
i'm relinquishing control and giving it up to God and making this decision.
things are getting real right now. my life needs to change starting now.
starting today.
JESUS, HELP ME.

i've gotta do this

im sitting with two my best friends talking about life.
bad news about ex-boyfriends have come into play and some severe boy bashing has begun.
i've been here before.
it feels like i've been broken up with a thousand times. (not literally, but every time one of my friends gets dumped, i feel the pain of their breakup too).
every part of this makes me feel like there is no necessity of ever being with someone.
the hurt i watch my friends go through is enough to make me never believe in love.
to never want anything of the sort because all it does is lead to hurt.

i'm not cynical though.

i swear im not.

okay, so maybe i am a little cynical but you have to understand that by being constantly reminded of how hurtful love is, i kind of have a right to be cynical.
it's logical. it just MAKES SENSE.

anyway...that needed to be said.
i'm sure things will change soon.
it's just the moment...